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Eric Holder Resigns Ahead of Looming Masturbation Scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Disgraced U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, the nation’s so-called “top cop” and chief legal adviser to President Barack Obama, has announced his imminent resignation as new revelations about the Justice Department’s secretive Operation Fap and Furious come to light.


The Justice Department redacted key elements of documents related to the secretive Fap and Furious program

It has been learned that the covert program, in which the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) funneled weapons from the United States to Mexican narco-traffickers also provided assistance to a notorious but shadowy Mexican criminal ring known as the Fapatistas. The Fapatistas are rumored to commit auto-erotic homicide by “fapping furiously” while brutally dispatching their victims, often by garroting or beheading.

Fapatista leader gives Satanic salute to followers

Mexican ‘Fapatista’ boss gives Satanic salute to followers

Following leakage of case details, Attorney General Holder reportedly threatened whistleblowers with imprisonment and seized the emails and phone records of several journalists attempting to expose the coverup.  Holder, who referred to the American people as a “nation of cowards” in a recent controversial speech, is the first attorney general in U.S. history to be held in contempt by the House of Representatives for his refusal to answer questions about the Justice Department’s Operation Fap and Furious program.

Eric Holder gives Satanic salute to followers

Justice Department boss Eric Holder gives Satanic salute to followers

“Holder has abused the powers of his office, shredded the Bill of Rights and regularly aided and abetted unconstitutional and illegal activity, including masturbation,” said Pastor Lonnie Childs, founder of Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, Inc.

“He’s been almost as bad as Attorney General Reno, who was responsible for the death of 87 non-masturbating Christians twenty years ago at the Mt. Carmel campound in Waco, Texas. The faithful of this country will never be safe until we banish demonic jackals such as Mr. Reno and Mr. Holder from ever holding office again.”

“The ‘Fap and Furious’ scandal exposes the depths of depravity and treason at which our own government officials are involved,” said Childs.

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Nicholas Lee
7 years ago

This article like any bloody stupid article on this fucking website that is focusing on accusing every fucking person of masturbating, so Cult leader “Brother Lonnie Childs” can continually brainwash vulnerable bastards into joining his fricking cult

Lonnie Childs
7 years ago
Reply to  Nicholas Lee

Not EVERYone masturbates, Nicholas. Roughly 32% of the population masturbates and we’re trying to reach out and touch them with our message of love and fapstinence!

scooter mcshooter
scooter mcshooter
7 years ago

I hereby announce I’m fapping fast and furiously

Nicholas Lee
7 years ago

Oh? What proof do do you have, ” Brother” ?Did you do a survey for every American in United States? Or does apply to your state?

7 years ago

I have surveyed many many people who share the same beliefs as I do and the results were astounding.

Don Kiebals
Don Kiebals
7 years ago

I really wish i had another hand, or even two. Then i could put two hands on my enormous hog, squeeze my balls like a stress ball with another, and feverishly cram a horse size dong in my ass all at once. Then after my break, go back to serving your food.