Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross: Safely Train Your Children To Keep Their Hands Off Their Dangerous Sin-Zones

July 17, 2015 781

Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian […]

Happy Birthday, America!

July 4, 2014 10

Today marks the 2014th birthday of America, God’s favorite country.  Praise!  We here at STOP Masturbation NOW live the moral, masturbation free lives that the Founding Fathers intended!  Creating a sovereign nation free from the yoke of oppression was not without it’s complications and tribulations.  We must never forget that the nefarious forces of Big Masturbation are always present, ready to threaten our God-given Family Values.  Benedict Arnold, a British agent of Big Masturbation who went by the thinly-veiled pseudonym […]

How To Spot a Masturbator

July 3, 2014 217

Most normal people wash their hands as a way to stay clean and prevent the spread of harmful germs. When using the restroom, a normal person will wash their hands upon entering the restroom, so they do not spread bacteria and viruses to their genitals, while they relieve themselves afterwards. This is why non masturbators do not give themselves STDs. On the other hand, Masturbators will relieve themselves first (with soiled hands), then wash their hands afterwards. They do so, […]

Brother Nikita Shalavin on How Masturbation Leads to Rape

June 21, 2014 9

“Masturbation slowly eliminates the person’s own boundaries and constraints.  Most healthy people want to masturbate and also have sex, but don’t/cannot.  By indulging in masturbation, you are conditioning the body to always get what it wants.  Think of a spoiled child, for example.  Once masturbation is no longer enough, sex is the only thing that will do.  And when you can’t have sex anytime you want, you begin to take it.  That is when the raping begins.”

-Nikita Shalavan, homogay conversion […]

The Dangers of Inappropriate Office Boners (I.O.B.) and How to Stop Them!

May 30, 2014 2

Have you ever been afflicted by an Inappropriate Office Boner (I.O.B.) at work?  It’s an embarrassing condition that can be caused by one of the following three things:  too-tight slacks, the tawdry new intern and her suggestive clothing, or thoughts of carpet bombing a foreign nation such as Canada.

The most effective way to rid yourself of the I.O.B. is to discreetly slip off into the men’s room and place a cold spoon on the offending organ.  I know it sounds […]

“Spin the Bottle”: A Harmless Rite of Passage or Dangerous Masturbation Ritual?

May 17, 2014 3

Some say that the pre-teen game “spin the bottle” is harmless fun; a time where whimsical memories are created, a rite of passage for many a youth.  The people who believe this couldn’t be more wrong!



There’s nothing more important to a young person than appearing “cool” in the eyes of their peers.  The pressure to circle jerk-off with the “hip” kids at school is an issue […]

%d bloggers like this: