Breaking News: Masturbation Caused 6.8 Earthquake Strikes Fukushima Japan, Tsunami Warning Issued

(Stop Masturbation Now)— A 6.8-magnitude earthquake early Saturday struck offshore not far from Fukushima, Japan — the epicenter of a nuclear crisis following a massive 2011 earthquake and tsunami — the Japan Meteorological Agency reported.

Earthquakes are caused when semen from masturbation flows into the oceans and wiggles into cracks in the seafloor thus causing the earth’s crust to shift.

_51650619_japan_quake_sendai_464-v3bJapan Meteorological Agency agency also issued a tsunami warning for the Pacific coast in the region of Tohoku.

Tsunami advisories were issued for coastal regions in Iwate, Miyagi and Fukushima prefectures following the offshore earthquake.

Japan is one of the most awful places on the planet. Masturbation has for so long been part of the culture that they now need to produce terrible terrible things to interest them sexually. In addition women are often attacked by sea creatures.

“Marine threat is in place,” the meteorological agency warned for those in imperiled areas. “Get out of the water and leave the coast immediately.”

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, the quake was centered off Honshu island some 129 kilometers (79 miles) east-southeast of Namie and 284 kilometers east-northeast of Tokyo. It was 13 kilometers, or 8 miles, deep.

18 Comments on Breaking News: Masturbation Caused 6.8 Earthquake Strikes Fukushima Japan, Tsunami Warning Issued

  1. This is fucking hilarious. Where the hell do you get these facts? What next? BREAKING NEWS! THE MOON HAS BEGUN CRASHING INTO EARTH BECAUSE OF MASTURBATORS!!!!! If you must know, eathquakes happen when the tectonic plates rub against eachover casing friction. Then one goes above the other releasing energy which causes earthquakes (I think, I haven’t looked this up again for years now).

    • Plate tectonics is a liberal lie, just like the claim that the earth is more than 6000 years old.

      • Dear Mr Augustweisz I use lubricant now, but I used to use beans, and save it and feed it to my wife and Ernest. Ernest is my cousin, he moved in and they did it behind my back. I never caught them, but I’m sure they did. She swore she didn’t. She even went so far as to say Ernest was gay. That lying tramp. He’s not gay, I can tell. Besides, he’s a Republican and a minister! How can a minister be gay? They asked him to leave his parish because of politics. He said the were a very liberal bunch and they didn’t like his fire and brimstone sermons and his politics so they kicked him out. Liberals have taken over the government. He showed me a lot of pictures of him showing the young boys how to wrestle the real way the first olympians used to do it. Just a second.Sorry, I got some beans on my keyboard. I’m gonna have to get back to you, I have a mess to clean up.BTW Mr Augustweisz, would you like some home made canned beans? It’s real good. It’s my own special recipe.

      • As you type, your tongue rubs against the roof of your mouth, your esophagus rubs against each other.
        My god, you’ve been masturbating with your throat.

  2. Surely if such a relatively small amount of semen can cause such large reactions such as earthquakes, a drop or two, mixed with seawater, could cause some change when placed in a crack on a rock? Your theory could be tested with a pie pan full of saltwater, a rock with a small crack in it, and some cow semen or something, if you’re afraid of getting human semen. Also, I challenge you to find a video of Japanese women being raped by a sea creature. The only occurrences I could find were adult cartoons. Why don’t you look up the history of Japanese pornography? You’ll find they started using tentacles because they actually outlawed “normal” pornography because it was obscene. From Wikipedia (2014): “After the Meiji Restoration in the second half of the 19th century, the publication of pornographic materials declined under government pressure.”

  3. This is truly idiotic. You have no understanding of the concept of plate tectonics and how shifting masses of land in the Earth’s crust cause these seismic events. Maybe if you were smart enough to take a basic middle school science class, you might be able to grasp the oh so simple ideas expressed in a reasonable, scientific manner. You disgust me

  4. Yo pornhub is goun to dustroi the wuorld we all had to prei dat god allmighty omnipotent omnipresent and creator od the univers and all the living things un this beutifull nation called america kills this bastards and blasphemian atheist who only faps all day and dont accept our lord yisus crist

  5. I can’t rememeber where i saw the name of this website. I thought “surely it can’t be real,” and yet, here I am, reading these stories. I have to say thank you to the moderators of this website. I think I have found the basis for my stand-up comedy routine. This is all pure gold. Blatantly false, with 0 scientific credit, but hilarious. Thank you again.

Comments are closed.