Pioneers of Self-Celibacy: Ty Cobb

<STOP MASTURBATION NOW!> Born December 18, 1886 in Rural Georgia only one generation after the war between the states, Tyrus Raymond “Ty” Cobb became one of baseball’s greatest players and a pioneer in the struggle against masturbation.

Cobb is credited with setting over 90 baseball records with a hard nosed playing style. Single-handedly compelled to rid baseball of masturbation, he became affectionately known by his nickname, the “Georgia Peach.”

Ty’s father was fatally shot by his mother. Court records indicate that Mr. Cobb has suspected his wife of masturbation and was sneaking past his own bedroom window to catch her in the self-rape act. The incident was ruled a tragic accident.

Ty actually wrote forged recommendations to major league clubs in order to achieve a tryout. When the Detroit Tigers granted a tryout in 1905, Ty made the most of it.

While rookie hazing was customary, it turned Cobb into a snarling beast on the field. His teammates, expecting young Ty to participate in clubhouse circle jerks, would endlessly harass a young Ty, who instead sat in the corner fuming and filing his spikes. Maturbating opponents were soon made keenly aware of Cobb’s spikes-up sliding style when trying to tag him out on the basepaths.

He hit .320 in his first season as a regular player and never again below that mark. His lifetime average of .367 is an astounding mark for a player of 25 seasons.

In 1907, Washington Pitcher Mel “Slick Fingers” Brown brushed back Cobb with semen-loaded greaseballs. Cobb bunted to the first baseman and collided elbows out with Brown who was running to cover first base. Three teeth later, Brown gave up the semen ball and soon retired from the game.

Cobb has acutely adept with handling the bat. He knocked eleven consecutive foul balls into the Cleveland dugout when he spotted the bat boy and three bench players fondling themselves.

On May 15, 1912, in a much maligned incident, Cobb attacked a masturbating heckler in the Polo Grounds stands. The league suspended Cobb. His teammates, although not keen of Cobb’s anti-self rape stance, went on strike to protest the suspension. The Tigers front office hustled a team of has-beens and sandlot players to take the field and lose 2-24 to the A’s. Cobb urged his teammates to return to the field.

Other instances of mastur-rage aimed at Cobb by players caused numerous shouting matches, fights, and retaliations from Cobb. When his popularity was usurped by power hitting masturbator Babe Ruth, Cobb announced that he would swing for the fences. On May 5, 1925, Cobb went 6 for 6 with three home runs and 16 total bases. The next day, he slammed two more home runs. At the end of the stretch, he happily announced his return to “hitting ’em where they ain’t.”

Ty Cobb was a player that irked a league where masturbators filled every team roster. His aggressiveness helped end the jizz ball era and become the wholesome self-celibate form of entertainment that it remains today.

Truly, Ty Cobb is a pioneer of Self-Celibacy.