B.L.U.F.F.

Top Five Most Masturbatory Vegetables

B.L.U.F.F (SMNNN)

The brave and dedicated monks and faithscientists at B.L.U.F.F. Campound have been working hundreds of man-hours to classify even the most mundane objects as potential masturbation aids, which naturally, can and will cause Masturbation Bad AIDS.

Here is a list of the most offensive vegetables our crack team could find.

1) CUCUMBERS
cucumbers

Cukes, as the heathens call them, before they shame themselves with these hideous growths, can also be used to make preserved pickles, for self-rape on-the-go. With the preservative properties caused by witchcraft and potion brew of a “broth”, one of our test masturbators, whom we keep chained in the hole, was able to continuously self-rape for 7 months before it was disposed of. The pickle remain unharmed and fresh, and edible, and was recorded to be tasty.

2) EGGPLANTS
eggplant

The engorged, bulbous, purple, eggplant is a favorite dingus used in European Mexico. Is it no wonder their masturbation ratio is 11 to 1?

3) SUMMER SQUASH
summer squash

A favorite food of Liberal Lying Filth, and micro-brewers, whose boutique lifestyles readily accept hybrid Japanese pick-up trucks, and these squash,by the bushel, into dark places during their Obama communist homosex orgies.

4) ZUCCHINI
zucchini

Oh here we go again, more European Mexican depravity. Is there no low these fiends will not sink to, and then masturbate on?

5) CARROTS
baby carrots

Carrots are said to be nutritious by “science”, but they also say all kinds of nonsense they claim to have “proven”. I mean, c’mon,just look at these carrots. Okay boy, that’s enough. Eyes down, pervert.

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Cassidy Pen
6 years ago

I was able to petition my local town to require sandpapered handles on all hand tools sold in the local hardware store to prevent self-rape. I’m not sure what can be done about edibles used for this sickening behavior. God help us all for the sins contrived and performed in the name of self gratification and allegiance to Satan.

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago
Reply to  Cassidy Pen

I wonder if we could get some fine American company like Monsanto to engineer these vegetables so that they cause pain when inserted, maybe some kind of porcupine carrot hybrid? Brother Thomas, do you have any ideas on who we might talk to about this?

Thomas Kelly
Thomas Kelly
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

I have contacted Monsanto’s head of Halibut and Tomato Hybridization Laboratory, Mr. Paul Horner, but he is disposed of in a month-long high-stakes game of Canasta in Milan.

lolmaster
lolmaster
6 years ago

Lol, your vision of things make me laugh, high definition Cancer jajajajajaja

Truffle
6 years ago
Reply to  lolmaster

You find self-raping with vegetables, funny? You ma’am, are a pervert!

Praying AT you!

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago

I am looking forward to your article on fruit Brother Thomas.

Retards
Retards
6 years ago

You are all so deluded hahahaha you’re a disgrace to humanity if you seriously think masturbation has negative impacts. And ‘Self Rape’ made me laugh, how can you not consent to yourself? Haha bless you small minded insane people

Willa Click
Willa Click
6 years ago

If there ain’t batteries, it’s jest too much work.