Big Masturbation

Big Masturbation Beer Removed From Shelves In Chicago

Anti-masturbation achieved a small victory recently when a pro-masturbation beer funded by Big Masturbation was removed from the shelves of a Chicago liquor store. The beer in question, “Happy Ending”, being marketed by SweetWater Brewing Company, features a label of man’s contorted face in the middle of an orgasm etched onto a box of tissues.  That alone would raise the red flags of any anti-masturbation warrior, however, the shop owner continued to dig deeper and found the outline of an Oriental woman also on the bottle. Putting two and two together, he quickly realized what was going on with this new beer. As he stated in several interviews, the stock manager in question objected to the label which displays “[a] sex worker manually masturbating a man to orgasm and cleaning up the ejaculate with tissues”.  He allegedly felt uncomfortable putting the beer on the shelves in his store.

Brother Lonnie himself viewed the promotional materials and label design of the beer in question. His thoughts on the matter were relayed by way of Brother Isiah Stack. “Brother Lonnie does not necessarily agree with the shopkeeper’s take on what is happening on the label,” recited Brother Stack. “However, Brother Lonnie does not like the implication of the masturbation act, nor the suggestion of paying an Oriental lesser-gendered to do masturbation on the man in question. Brother Lonnie fails to see how the beer label depicts ‘sexist’ or ‘racist’ acts as per the shopkeeper’s additional complaints. He does, however, agree that a beer label implying a masturbatory act is completely unacceptable and applauds the shopkeeper for taking action against a Big Masturbation funded project.”

Big Masturbation has tried to infest many of the so-called “vice industries”, but this is a bold, new move into the beer brewing market. Unfortunately, despite the manager of the Lincoln Park area store banning the “Happy Ending” beer from its shelves, the beer is still available in several other locations throughout the greater Chicago area.

We at Stop Masturbation Now agree that this beer is an outrage and should be pulled from production immediately. The mere implication that this beer endorses achieving orgasm by masturbating and ejaculating into tissue paper is unthinkable. Adding in the disgusting proposition of comparing their beer to being manually masturbated by a profit-seeking Oriental Geisha woman is completely terrifying. Only in Obama’s America would such horrid things be fantasized about and then produced into a product that innocent children could encounter in a store. If even one innocent normal child is lured into the tangled web of masturbation by this demon brew, then Big Masturbation has won yet another battle in the ongoing war.

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Cassidy Pen
6 years ago

Having sexual contact with a non-normal, such as a japasian, is masturbation.

6 years ago
Reply to  Cassidy Pen

Everyone here is racist. People of all skins and ethnicity are EQUAL.

Lonnie Childs
6 years ago
Reply to  Bob

Everyone who doesn’t rape themselves are equal in God’s eyes, whether they be black, oriental, indian OR normal. Praise!

6 years ago

Who looks at a label that closely after downing a twelve pack? If you have to sober to see the label, what’s the big deal? No one will look at the label until the beer is all gone, and then you can’t focus your eyes. This is a bunch of pooty, taking beer off the shelf. A disgrace it is.