Celebrity / World

Holy Man Bieber snubbed in attempt to convert actor DiCaprio

CANNES, FREEDOM — (SMNNN) Hollywood slave “Leonardo DiCaprio”, probably best known for his role as the titular Private Ryan in ‘Saving Private Ryan’, snubbed recently baptized and confirmed Lonvidian, Justin Bieber, over the weekend. Bieber, now operating on behalf of the Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, was on a conversion and outreach mission at a nightclub during a small regional film festival in the country proud Americans refer to as “Freedom”.

“Mr. Bieber was making the rounds in the club, shirtless, and showing his many female admirers his official Lonvidian branding he received personally from Lonnie Childs. But, when he heard alleged Big Masturbation and Hollywood slave Leonardo DiCaprio was there, he had his SMN appointed bodyguards clear a path to where Mr. DiCaprio was seated.” a source speaking under condition of anonymity told this reporter.

Clearly Mr. Bieber saw a ripe opportunity to spread the word of Lonnie Childs as Mr. DiCaprio has long been suspected to be a puppet of Big Masturbation. In an attempt to initiate a conversion of both Mr. DiCaprio and the non-assigned, non-spousal women around him, a SMN handler approached Mr. DiCaprio on behalf of Mr. Bieber, but was waved off.

“Mr. Bieber kept shaking his head in a negatory fashion and pantomimed male masturbation in attempt to get a reaction of any sort from Mr. DiCaprio. However, as a long programmed zombie of Big Masturbation, Mr. DiCaprio just nodded affirmatively and began to unbutton his dress slacks.” added my source; which was also corroborated by several other witnesses to the incident.

The witness accounts then stated several of the SMN operatives surrounding Bieber clearly received direction from their earpieces and quickly whisked Bieber out of the nightclub and out of harm’s way.

It was speculated that while Bieber’s new found lot in life converting Hollywood masturbation slaves to the way of masturbational abstinence is admirable; perhaps he choose too high profile of a target for his first conversion. While it was unknown if Lonnie Childs himself called off the conversion, clearly someone high up the anti-masturbation food chain intervened that night to protect one the rising stars in the field of masturbation eradication.

Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.

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Lolfaggot Miso
7 years ago

It’s not Justin Bieber on the left picture, it’s Miley Cyrus. Also, in the right picture it’s a puppet representing Matt Damon in the movie “Team America”. Come on, if you are going to tell bullshit you better know witch bullshit it is.

6 years ago

CRock of shit article full of typographical errors