History

Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation: Vlad Țepeș

HISTORY- (SMNN)

Throughout the annuls of history, there have been great non-mastubators, such as Vlad Țepeș, prince of somewhere in Transylvania.

In the 14th century, young Vlad was assaulted by Turks, and was violently masturbated upon by his assailants. Much of his family was killed or simply ran the heck away, leaving young Vlad to fend for himself.

Vlad grew up in the wilds of the Transylvania woods, where he learned the ways of the violent animals that inhabit that wasteland. Some time later, Vlad would return to his besieged castle. When he arrived, he found the Turks busy having homosex and masturbating into hookas of hashish-bongs. Vlad used this opportunity to turn into a wolf-bat and ripped a giant spruce tree from the ground with his hands/claws and began to howl and impale the entire occupying army, liberating his ancestral castle, and the uninhabitable rocks upon which it sat.

Vlad’s evil brother, Zlomasturbuyesvynya, had treacherously joined the enemy Turks, and when he received word that his fellow masturbators had been decimated, he raised a huge army, and set to conquer the castle once and for all. He stood with his massive army of Turkish masturbators and called out to his brother Vlad, invasion was imminent.

Vlad prayed to God that he be granted even more cooler powers, and so, God did just that, and he became a giant spear of Jesus-Fire, and exploded violently from the castle, incinerating many heathens instantaneously. But it would be for naught, as the masturbators were legion, and they overcame Vlad in mere minutes.

Vlad would then be imprisoned in his own castle for eons, where he impaled rats and bugs he found in his cell, stating the impalings were his “window to peace”. He died in 1975.

The Turks continue to be masturbators of the Nth degree to this day.

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Julian Taylor
6 years ago

I’ve never known a vampire to turn down homosex…

A "French Idiot"
A "French Idiot"
6 years ago

Okay so I’m french and educated so I know the opinions presented here do not represent what christian american people think. But seriously!? Some people are at this level of fundamentalism and ignorance!? Please do study the Bible in an intelligent way; there is no such thing as “self rape”. And, you , uneducated fundamentalist who reads this comment, stop with the racist comments against anyone who isn’t a “good ol’ american from the bible belt” All men are created equal and if ever somebody has been told one must marry someone of “the same race”, don’t listen to what… Read more »

Julian Taylor
6 years ago

I’m sorry, but the French lost all credibility and relevance once we replaced their national cuisine with FREEDOM FRIES!

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA !!!

Milton Grits
6 years ago

My dear monsieur, your first line disqualifies any opinion you have to offer. The only Frenchmen whose work worth considering were exiled in their day (Voltaire, Celine) or were in fact not Frenchmen at all (Jean-Paul Belmondo and Lino Ventura were in fact Italians).

We are praying at you now, Frenchie, and your only hope of salvation is to try to stop masturbating, however difficult it might be for you. Fuis le plaisir qui amène repentir!

some "french idiot"
some "french idiot"
6 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

See this is the problem with you guys…
Your racism blinds you from underdtanding the world…
I feel sorry for you.

Please stop using google translate; “niggers” and other “aliens” work there; It would ve a sin for you to use a tool that was partly programmed by someone of a different race. Your last sentence does not mean anything…

Bien à vous,

Still the same “french idiot”

Milton Grits
6 years ago

You are either not a Frenchman or not educated; by no means are you an educated Frenchman. The reason you do not know the famous saying “Fuis le plaisir qui amène repentir” is because you refuse to heed its consequences. It means to avoid the pleasure that brings with it repentance. I recommend you ask the next older person you meet if they know that saying – that is if you don’t steal their seat on the bus first. Furthermore do not use such racialist terms on our holy netsite. The once racist persons here are the ones who are… Read more »

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Excusez moi mais vous êtes un peu mal placé pour me dire que je ne suis pas français, Oui je suis francais (et fier de l’etre) Non je ne vole pas les places d’autres individus dans le bus, Oui, vous etes un raciste et un fondamentaliste qui ne voit pas plus loin que le bout de sa bible. Et excusez moi si je ne connais pas toutes vos citations de fondamentaliste; je prefere étudier quelquechose de vrai, faire de nouvelles rencontres, m’ouvrir aux gens,voyager, échanger… Bref tout ce que vous refusez tant vous etes enfermés dans votre inexperience et votre… Read more »

Milton Grits
6 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Sacrebleu, I am the campus’ most cunning FaithLinguist, Frenchman. I do not need Google or Bing Translate to decipher your simple musings and insults. I spent a summer in Montreal, Quebec and on the first day, I was holding conversations in French with no formal training at all, but only the gift of the Holy Spirit and Pimsleur cassette tapes to guide me. We have an important mission and your petty ramblings do not distract us in the least. Il est vain de chercher à convaincre quelqu’un qui ne veut pas entendre raison !

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago

Vlad The Impaler? He was a very bad person

Milton Grits
6 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

We look for the good in everyone. Except masturbators, of course.

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

So basically if you belive Hitler did not masturbate, he is a better person than Ghandi if he masturbated when being a teenager?
Killing millions of people is okay if you don’t masturbate?If one becomes a hero, saves lots of people or does any other heroic acts BUT has, at least once, masturbated, he becomes worse than the one who killed millions of people?
Please enlight me on the subject

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago

Why does the number of people one kills makes them worse. Is it okay to say that Obama is okay because he only killed thousands, but millions and you are evil? Also if it wasn’t for Hitler the Jews wouldn’t have their own county.

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

No no no you can’t possibly be for real, I can’t belive it please tell me you are a troll or some individual of the sort

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

Want to talk about the deaths caused by the KKK?
Because, unlike your robes you are far from being all white

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

Please inform yourself on the crimes commited by nazi germany before daring to say anything on the subject. Stop reading conspiracy theories, read history books.Educate yourself

Julian Taylor
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

Hitler really doesn’t seem all that bad – he created the autobahn and Fanta!

Milton Grits
6 years ago

You are a fool who needs school! Read my article on the World War II and then you might get a better perspective than what you have been taught in the socialist Frenchie schools. http://stopmasturbationnow.org/foreigners/a-history-lesson-to-the-masturbators/

An educated Frenchman
An educated Frenchman
6 years ago

Did you just say that!?

Gay_Satan
Gay_Satan
6 years ago

This is legit the stupidest stie erver

me
me
6 years ago
Reply to  Gay_Satan

Did you mean site

Gay_Satan
Gay_Satan
6 years ago

Yes

Milton Grits
6 years ago
Reply to  Gay_Satan

Praying now – Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, may a host of your angelic guardians surround and protect our holy web suite against these vicious attacks. Demon, begone!

Anonym
6 years ago

What a lot of bullshit! Thomas Kelly you are dick!

Julian Taylor
6 years ago
Reply to  Anonym

Thomas may well be a dick, but that doesn’t make him wrong.