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Youth Pastor Announces that Masturbation is Healthy and Does Not Make You Gay, Church Burns to Ground

Cason, TX is a small community, barely on the map and tucked deep inside NE Texas among pine trees and red clay earth. Proud people live there – good people of God, quick to lend a hand when help is needed and slow to change as the world passes them by.

On May 29th, all of that changed. What happened that day to cause such a horrific act of nature? Was it a sign from God, as many residents now whisper to each other in closed circles – or was it simply an electrical fire caused by faulty wiring?

“No way that was anything else but a direct answer from God. Our God is a God of love, but he’s also a God of vengeance. I believe it was the homosexuals that caused this,” stated Joanna Bates, owner and manager of the only gas station in town. “If it were up to me, that youth minister would have been right in the middle of those flames. But I am a woman of God, so I let him do his own work.”

The Concord Baptist Church in Cason recently hired Steven Rutledge, a charismatic and jovial young man, to lead the youth of their church and train them to be the leaders of tomorrow in the fight for Jesus. But some question his message to the young crowd, and even go so far as to say that Mr. Rutledge himself is responsible for the raging fire that leveled that community church late that Sunday evening.

Steve Rutledge and his good friend Bill, who are definitely not gay, according to Steve.

A man known to dress in rather flamboyant clothing and speak with a noticeable lisp, Mr. Rutledge is no stranger to such negative comments. “I’ve always been referred to as a homosexual, which isn’t true at all. I just love sparkling water and I don’t mind telling people that I masturbate. Is that so wrong?”

According to several youth who attended his class earlier that evening, Mr. Rutledge announced to the children that masturbation was healthy for you, does not make you a homosexual, and could actually provide some health benefits to the Christian man or woman who took part in raping their own bodies in order to resist the temptation of sex out of wedlock. That was at 7:50 PM, according to class participants.

At 8:01, members of the congregation smelled smoke, and the fire alarm was sounded. All members managed to escape unharmed, although Mr. Rutledge received 3rd degree burns on his crotch and anal area attempting to escape out of a window in the social hall. “The doctor says I might not ever be able to father a child. I’m okay with that, I guess, but my really good friend Bill is taking this very hard. I’m going to cook him up something really special tonight to make him feel better.”

“It was as if the devil himself was in that church,” proclaimed John King, a lifelong resident of Cason and a blue collar steel worker three generations strong. “The firemen kept spraying the church, and the flames just licked into the sky, higher and higher, until the heat was so intense that we all just stood back and watched it go. Watched it burn to the ground.”
“I’m not sure if the devil or Jesus was involved in this,” said George Greenway, a longtime deacon of the church, “but I will say this – several of us saw the face of God in those flames, and we could hear him screaming, screaming something about homosexuals and rape, and sparkling water. Something like that.”

*update – at the time of printing, we have received the tragic news that Steven Rutledge was killed in a freak accident at home later that night involving a toaster oven and a Keurig coffee machine. Although the cause of death has not been released, traces of duct tape, some sort of oil based lubricant, PVC pipe and small animals of undetermined origin were also found at the scene.

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Dick TracerThe master-bation GOD FUCKTrevor GustavgreenBeth Richmondicrieverytime Recent comment authors
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Caption obvious
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Caption obvious

Were you using water. You don’t use water on an electrical fire

Rodrigo Lima (@RodrigoLima_SSL)
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Username checks out

MASTURBATION4LIFEXDDXDXDXDXD
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MASTURBATION4LIFEXDDXDXDXDXD

I masturbate every day. it’s fun. I like it. we should stop you from stopping masturbation. btw, christians copied from jews. GO JEWS!

Paul Wilson
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Paul Wilson

This rabid crud was also in DeviantArt. I don’t read arguments that start with intemperate language.(like the tracts & books by that damn African preacher !)

jerking off iscool
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jerking off iscool

lol this is fucking retarted its so obvious this is fake. “traces of duct tape, some sort of oil based lubricant, pvc pipe, and small animals of undetermined origin were found at the scene” ???? is this actually serious? u cant actually believe this shit. if it was an explosion, which i assume because of the use of the world “traces” of pvc pipe etc., the oil would have burned up and how are u gona say it involved a fucking coffee maker if ur obviouslh trying to hint that he was shoving pipes in animals asses or his ass… Read more »

loldonttakelifesoseriously
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loldonttakelifesoseriously

it’s obviously satire

MaStuRbatioN maKes YoU gAy
Guest
MaStuRbatioN maKes YoU gAy

How does it even burn your anus and dick but not your hips lmao. Sparkling water makes you gay i guess

Gary Winthorpe
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Gary Winthorpe

Sparkling water is the devils drink. And Donald Trump is the messenger from GOD!

Nick Gur
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woah since when did politics get in this.

top fucking kek

Knave of Dogs
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This entire site is bait, guys. I’m honestly surprised some of you fell for it. Though I’m an atheist, this was some funny shit to read.

gay hoe
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gay hoe

lol your sex must be so bad

VengeanceIsMine
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VengeanceIsMine

Lonnie Childs is a hypocrite. He wanks himself off to the most disgusting types of porn imaginable. Kiddie porn,gay porn,animals you name it. He’s also an ugly fat faced excuse for a human being who belongs in a pile of excrement. And so do all his “worshippers”

Vanane
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I’m sure the autors of all the shit in this website are just guys who want to troll the church and the religious ._.

logeneb
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logeneb

Very fucking funny.. al lot of bullshit hahahahaha

bobbynotbobby
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bobbynotbobby

Is this website stupid? Are you guys all like radicals or some other shit? All you thick-headed religious zealots can go f*uck yourself? You guys never provide any evidence that masturbation is bad, yet claim it is based on the “teachings” of god. In fact, research shows its a healthy normal part of life. To the creator of this website, the only thing that should be stopped is you motherf*ckers!

stop
Guest
stop

the fact that a man died and you label a fire bevausd of him is grotesque. this was never god’s intended word and clearly you have it confused.

icrieverytime
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icrieverytime

I hope this is a joke I’m dying this is the funniest thing I have seen all week I bet you god is laughing at this bullshit too lmao

Beth Richmond
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Beth Richmond

Hi Lonnie, Thank you for the interesting article. It’s nice to see that there are still some good people out there trying to spread the good christian word!! There are so many people these days turning into gays that I’m worried for my young grandson Matthew (his name is good and christian even!) hopefully my prayers will help scare the devil away from him and keep from succumbing to masturbation. I’ve done everything I can to stop him from drinking tap water (we have a water tank) because as I’m sure you know the government is putting chemicals into it… Read more »

Trevor Gustavgreen
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Trevor Gustavgreen

Why are you blaming homosexuals for a church burning? I am not gay myself, but this is illogical

The master-bation GOD FUCK
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Yes Lonnie, this was a very good artical. Go christians!! I have not yet maturbated since the time I Got raped in the anus and then self raped myself! oMg i feel god

Dick Tracer
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Dick Tracer

I came here to masturbate. Your site really helps me get myself off.