Faith Fact Series / Science / Self-Rape Prevention

How to Take a Proper Shower

We’ve all heard the old saying, “Cleanliness is next to Lonnieliness.”. I am going to walk you through the simple steps that I take to properly wash my female form in the shower. It’s so simple that even the most dullest of sexes can comprehend (that means “understand”)!

First, I like to fully saturate my body in moderately warm water. Being 99.787% normal means that  .013% of me is still a filthy non normal from the continent India, a providence of  southern Masturbasia. I like to use an all natural soap, preferably of the castile variety.  Once I have worked up a thick lather, I like to perform a breast self exam. While mammograms can help you to detect canser before you can feel a lump, breast self-exams help you to be familiar with how your breasts look and feel so you can alert your healthcare professional if there are any changes. 

Christina McIerncock Rubright demonstrating proper shower technique. Photography by: The Reverend Leroy Jenkins

With my breasts soaking wet and covered in silky smooth bubbles, I rub the tips of my fingers all around my full brown breasts in a circular pattern from the outside of my breast slowly working my way towards my nipple. I repeat this process on my other breast, sometimes forgetting which breast I did last and doing that breast again. I use light, medium, and firm pressure. I squeeze my nipples; checking for discharge and lumps. This usually takes between 2 & 5 minutes.

Once I am certain that my breasts are canser free, it is important to check other parts of my body for canser as well. Next I move on to my sin cave. The digital cervical canser test is one of the most reliable effective screening methods available. Using 2 fingers, I journey deep into vaginal walls. If however I am trying to detect precanserous cells, I will opt to use 3 fingers. I must arch at the back to get deep enough inside to apply firm pressure to my cervix. Impacting my cervix and vaginal walls repeatedly, I search for abnormalities, measure my vaginal moisture levels, and try to find any spots withing my vagina which may cause a slightly sinful “sinsation”. The sinful sinsation is key, for that is when you know you have canser inside your vagina.

Lastly I check for the most elusive and deadly cancers of them all, Clitoral Canser! Clitoral canser is very difficult to detect as it only responds to prolonged contact. That contact could be friction, vibration, suckling, etc.. Here at BLUFF, we use a special device which, when used properly, can detect both cervical and clitoral canser. I rub my solar powered (because the sun is a Lonnie given light), waterproof Lonnie Canser Detector over and around my clitoris. Once again searching for the sensation of sin which is a dead giveaway to the presence of canser.

Sister Ruffle demonstrates how to effectively detect clitoral canser. Photography by: The Reverend Leroy Jenkins

Canser is a demonic force which seeks to sneak into your body fill you from the inside and kill you to death. Canser will cause you to shake and convulse with “sinsations” that you cannot control. While taking my shower I am very diligent and aggressive in  my search for canser and I am pray at my internet that you will do the same!

 

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Tags:
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
14 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Saved by Truth
Saved by Truth
6 years ago

Very informative and totally sin-free. Praise!

Truffle
6 years ago

Thanks to these thoroughly rigorous techniques, my clitoris has remained Canser free.

Quadruple Praise!

Howard Demarco
Howard Demarco
6 years ago

I don’ t even have a clitoris, yet my faith and showering habits were greatly improved.

Cassidy Pen
6 years ago

Christina uses a combination of time honored techniques along with her unceasing enthusiasm to create a nice guide for women. What better way is there to stay healthy?

Liam McKey
6 years ago

I was hoping for advice on how To wash my pee pee better. Until I find a better way, I’m going to stay with my: Lufa-on-a-stick, Lava soap, alcohol rinse and use that to keep my pee pee clean and sin free.

Nikita Shalavin
6 years ago

I can’t seem to find this “clitoris”. What am I doing wrong?

Cathy Redmond
6 years ago

Nikita, just try not to be distracted by Christina’s massive clevis that gets the commenters on this netsite all upset.

Praise.

Rev. Richard Tuggins
Rev. Richard Tuggins
6 years ago

Luckily for the females in my Coven I provide an after mass group shower and Canser screening. I have been blessed with the ability to use my highly receptive taste buds to detect the Clitoral Canser using a lost technique set of tongue movements. I also perform vaginal internal washings by utilizing a special technique toward the top of the canal using my hand that has been sanitized by holy water. This technique causes the Sin Pocket to expel copious amounts of clear fluid which acts like a pressure washer. This squirts away any Canser cells and thoroughly cleanses the… Read more »

Faithgasming
Faithgasming
6 years ago

I sure hope sister ruffle can come and give me and my family a few pointers.

Sister Connie Ling-Huis

While I appreciate the valuable information on cleansing one’s va-jay-jay, it is my sisterly impression that some of you are perverting the technique of canser detection into an unholy abomination of sinsploration. Therefore may I recommend that instead of lathering up and gently caressing one’s bulbous nether regions, thereby risking the approach to an ungodly pleasure level, one should obtain a fresh sample of Holy Water from the rectory and allow the priest, preferably a muscular and impressionable young chap who has recently been assigned to your local parish, to use it to absolve the clitoris, vagina, and breasts of… Read more »

holy-funny selfrapist
holy-funny selfrapist
6 years ago

Ok, Honestly, you guys had me going. I was actually convinced for a while that this site was for real. That you guys really were against masturbation and that your views were really faith based. I found that absolutely Hilarious. Now, I can see that it’s satire, which i think is awesome, though just a bit less funny. Still i gotta hand it to you, good job. Thanks for the laughs.

Darkblitzfrenzy
Darkblitzfrenzy
6 years ago

11/10 Would fap again

morris shrem
morris shrem
5 years ago

“kill you to death” redundant much redundant