Inanimate Object Rape Intesifies as EbolAIDS Becomes Airborne

SEATTLE WA/ WALPOLE MA- (SMNNN)

Faithscientists suspect EbolAIDS, the most dangerous masturbation-spread and homogayest of diseases, has possibly become airborne, as they predicted it would, following two cases of inanimate object rape, a sexual act so disgusting it would require one to be in the fatal stages of the Airborne EbolAIDS to even contemplate committing.

One such case involved a 33 year old woman in Seattle who was so far gone in her viral dementia, that she raped a perfectly innocent lawn chair. The (name withheld) family of Seattle, are devote Lonnvidians, and were quite offended to find a naked stranger raping the family’s lawn chairs. Says the male-authority of the family, ” We were going outside with a bunch of signs and megaphones to loudly preach against the ills of self-rape, and first things I sees is this harlot rapin’ muh chairs! I took out muh Lonniefone, and activated all 24 Prayer Apps, but she still kept degrading muh chair! So the youngin’s done shot her to death w’ our peaceguns. Her head ‘sploded. Sure it was messy, but The Lord’s work is always kinda messy. Later, we razed the house and salted the land it was built on. ”

Faithscientists suspect the woman was going to die soon anyway, as her behavior clearly showed signs of EbloAIDS dementia, making it obvious she was doomed.

A school teacher in Walpole MA, was also shot and killed for repeatedly raping his mailbox, in plain view of his Christian neighbors. Marc Mertz apparently routinely went outside clothed only in a flap-eared hat and some mittens, and repeatedly raped his mailbox many, many times, says one female neighbor who witnessed all 150+ incidents, and even videotaped some of them before ultimately shooting Mertz to death with a 12-gauge shotgun at pointblank range. Said the woman. ” It was disgusting! And after the 153rd time, I had had enough! Lonnie tells us ‘suffer not a self-rapist to live’, so I shot him. I shot him dead! I swear I saw the mailbox breath a sigh of relief. ” Later, authorities destroyed the mailbox as it was a suspected male, and thus was made homogay through rape.

Faithscientists are now pretty sure both incidents are the result of Airborne EbolAIDS, and recommend quarantine of both states.

Innanimate objects are not self-aware, and therefore, cannot consent to sexual activity, as such SMN has drafted a bill and presented it to Congress in hopes of giving inanimate object rapists the death penalty.