Diaries of a Masturbator Hunter

As a member of the Anti-masturbation neighborhood watch in my community, it is my duty to watch all the houses in our neighborhood for potential self-rapists. I am in charge(Self-promoted) of making sure that people keep their yards well groomed, conduct themselves in a civil manner in public, keep blacks and other non-normals from roaming our streets, and going through the garbage of the neighborhood to find any type of masturbation aids like lotion, lubes, motor oil, Hot Pockets, screwdrivers, or Sawzalls.

A masturbator’s favorite WMD.

A new neighbor moved in this weekend, and I watched him with my eagle eyes, because he presented multiple signs of a masturbation neurosis. The first sign was he was a tribal fellow, possibly from Ebola or Liberia. Second, he was more muscular than our Great American Governor named Jesse Ventura. Third, he had an entire box with a label that said “Lotions” on it. I had this self-rapists dead to rights now. I documented all my photos and sent them to the Portland Police. The Portland PD told me they would be in contact, but I was not going to allow this predator to infiltrate my neighborhood. It is time we all take masturbation into our own hands!!! I will not allow my kids to fall to the deadly grasp of masturbation.

An obvious masturbating tribal.

I waited until this self-fornicator went in his basement, then I ran over to his house and picked the lock on his door with my foot. (Helpful tip for entering a masturbator’s home: Place your foot on the door, about 6 inches below the lock, then pull your foot back and press your foot forward with extreme force, and the door will unlock and open due to God’s will) After entering, I heard the tribal fellow yelling that he was planning on murdering me, so I instantly shoved a chair under the door handle of the basement door, which locked him in until the police could arrive to arrest him. After I knew the masturbator was unable to infect me or the neighborhood with his Bad AIDS, The Gay or Ebola, I continued my investigation in his house, because you need as much evidence as possible to convict a masturbator.

I found his nasty collection of Digital Video Disc films, and put them in his microwave and melted them all, except one, Air Bud. Air Bud is about a Holy animal, a Golden Retriever, who plays basketball. It is a great movie, because it breaks racial stereotypes. If it had been an African-American Labrador, instead of a Golden Retriever, nobody would have watched it.

A true Basketball hero.

The next thing I found in this black’s house, will disgust anyone. I went through a box called “Family Albums”, and almost puked from the degeneracy involved. I saw the masturbator, who was locked away from society in his basement, having “fun” at a beach and many other places, with two females who looked exactly like him. A few photos later, I realized that my neighbor was one of those slave trade kids, because his “sisters” looked like him, but his parents were Asian. Anyway, I burned the photo albums in the fireplace, then I heard the sweet relief of the Police. I waited for Police to come, unlike non-normals.

Anti-Masturbation Task Force

Finally, the Police arrived to this Tribal nightmare. I stood my ground, and pointed them towards the filthy black in the basement. I was immediately escorted to a Police vehicle, and driven to the main station. Once I was dropped at the main station, I was given a piece of paper that showed all of my accomplishments during my arrest of the masturbator. I was given a piece of paper from the Police that cheered my achievements. The Police told me that I helped them with “Breaking and Entering”, “Destruction of private property”, Improper imprisonment”, and “Drunk in Public”. They even gave me a prize of $5750 or 3 years of preaching Lonnie’s will in jail.

Being a self-rapists will land you in jail. Being a Normal human will help you save the non-normals in jail. I will try to report from my prison cell still, but I have been attacked by too many Non-normal colored folks today.

God and Lonnie bless most of you.