Spot a Masturbator

Diaries of a Masturbator Hunter

As a member of the Anti-masturbation neighborhood watch in my community, it is my duty to watch all the houses in our neighborhood for potential self-rapists. I am in charge(Self-promoted) of making sure that people keep their yards well groomed, conduct themselves in a civil manner in public, keep blacks and other non-normals from roaming our streets, and going through the garbage of the neighborhood to find any type of masturbation aids like lotion, lubes, motor oil, Hot Pockets, screwdrivers, or Sawzalls.

A masturbator's favorite WMD.

A masturbator’s favorite WMD.

A new neighbor moved in this weekend, and I watched him with my eagle eyes, because he presented multiple signs of a masturbation neurosis. The first sign was he was a tribal fellow, possibly from Ebola or Liberia. Second, he was more muscular than our Great American Governor named Jesse Ventura. Third, he had an entire box with a label that said “Lotions” on it. I had this self-rapists dead to rights now. I documented all my photos and sent them to the Portland Police. The Portland PD told me they would be in contact, but I was not going to allow this predator to infiltrate my neighborhood. It is time we all take masturbation into our own hands!!! I will not allow my kids to fall to the deadly grasp of masturbation.

An obvious masturbating tribal.

An obvious masturbating tribal.

I waited until this self-fornicator went in his basement, then I ran over to his house and picked the lock on his door with my foot. (Helpful tip for entering a masturbator’s home: Place your foot on the door, about 6 inches below the lock, then pull your foot back and press your foot forward with extreme force, and the door will unlock and open due to God’s will) After entering, I heard the tribal fellow yelling that he was planning on murdering me, so I instantly shoved a chair under the door handle of the basement door, which locked him in until the police could arrive to arrest him. After I knew the masturbator was unable to infect me or the neighborhood with his Bad AIDS, The Gay or Ebola, I continued my investigation in his house, because you need as much evidence as possible to convict a masturbator.

I found his nasty collection of Digital Video Disc films, and put them in his microwave and melted them all, except one, Air Bud. Air Bud is about a Holy animal, a Golden Retriever, who plays basketball. It is a great movie, because it breaks racial stereotypes. If it had been an African-American Labrador, instead of a Golden Retriever, nobody would have watched it.

A true Basketball hero.

A true Basketball hero.

The next thing I found in this black’s house, will disgust anyone. I went through a box called “Family Albums”, and almost puked from the degeneracy involved. I saw the masturbator, who was locked away from society in his basement, having “fun” at a beach and many other places, with two females who looked exactly like him. A few photos later, I realized that my neighbor was one of those slave trade kids, because his “sisters” looked like him, but his parents were Asian. Anyway, I burned the photo albums in the fireplace, then I heard the sweet relief of the Police. I waited for Police to come, unlike non-normals.

Anti-Masturbation Task Force

Anti-Masturbation Task Force

Finally, the Police arrived to this Tribal nightmare. I stood my ground, and pointed them towards the filthy black in the basement. I was immediately escorted to a Police vehicle, and driven to the main station. Once I was dropped at the main station, I was given a piece of paper that showed all of my accomplishments during my arrest of the masturbator. I was given a piece of paper from the Police that cheered my achievements. The Police told me that I helped them with “Breaking and Entering”, “Destruction of private property”, Improper imprisonment”, and “Drunk in Public”. They even gave me a prize of $5750 or 3 years of preaching Lonnie’s will in jail.

Being a self-rapists will land you in jail. Being a Normal human will help you save the non-normals in jail. I will try to report from my prison cell still, but I have been attacked by too many Non-normal colored folks today.

God and Lonnie bless most of you.

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Ken Day
Ken Day
6 years ago

This country needs more men like Bruce Danus. Praise him for the good deeds he has done.

levijones
6 years ago

Amen, Bruce. This is glorious.

Science
Science
6 years ago
Reply to  levijones

I know you are fapping right now!

Science
Science
6 years ago
Reply to  levijones

Anus, Bruce. Your dick is small.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago

Ok this is wrong in these ways: A. He said that African Americans aren’t normal which is racist B. He said all African Americans are tribal Which is also racist C. You can’t have BadAIDs, you either have AIDs, or you don’t D. “The Gay” isn’t a disease, it is a sexuality E. The door didn’t open because of God’s will, it opened because kicking a door will open it if enough force is applied F. The “Anti-Masturbaution Task Force” is a SWAT team, sent to arrest you G. You were being arrested, not rewarded H. If you chose 3… Read more »

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Bruce Danus

A. That was a very racist comment, yet you say you’re not racist B. Same thing C. There is one type of AIDS D. Give me one science lab besides stupid BLUFF, that being gay is a disease E. Simple physics, you kick something, you apply force, and force causes it to move F. Then why is there a pic of a SWAT team G. That was an arrest report H. I think that was for the other guys safety I. I was saying that he was adopted Oh yes, not all Asians are communist, the countries that are communist… Read more »

Saved by Truth
Saved by Truth
6 years ago
Reply to  A Smart Guy

You think you know it all, smartass? There is not enough Jesus in this world to save you from fiery pits of Hell.

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Saved by Truth

I doubt that I will go to hell

Science
Science
6 years ago
Reply to  Bruce Danus

You look like the think that my cat just farted out. But this thing has more IQ than your whole dirty community. Just do us all a favour and just shoot yourself so your god can tell you just how stupid you all are.

daniellenekoosak
daniellenekoosak
6 years ago

All Godly people may now sleep more soundly knowing that brave menfolk like you are watching over our homes for any sign of non-normals. I am baking you a nice tater tot and cheese casserole just to say “God bless!”

Science
Science
6 years ago

I will stick my dick in your mouth while you are sleeping. and you will like it. MMMHHH!

Truffle
6 years ago

Praise Brother Bruce!

I hope you’re recovering from the gunshot wound, well and enjoyed the grapes I sent.

Science
Science
6 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I hope he dies.

Don wallace
Don wallace
6 years ago

I’m White but if you broke into my house you’d have a 12 gauge shell in your chest, and after seeing this your neighbor can charge you for racial profililing, hope you go to jail soon, people like you won’t last long in there:)

A Smart Guy
A Smart Guy
6 years ago
Reply to  Don wallace

Agreed

Don wallace
Don wallace
6 years ago

If you broke ino my house you’d be shot dead

Nigel Covington
6 years ago

Why are these liberals who hate the 2nd Amendment all talking about shooting another human being? These types of degenerates really need to be disposed of. I myself support anyone who is doing the Lord’s work. Mr. Danus is certainly one such man. Praise Lonnie.

Science
Science
6 years ago

Mr. Danus shurely loves your ANUS!

Brian
6 years ago

This site cant be for real

Science
Science
6 years ago
Reply to  Brian

I´m afraid it is. But it´s funny!

Jesus
Jesus
6 years ago
Reply to  Science

For the love of god I hope this site is fake, but it is indeed funny to read.

noname
noname
6 years ago
Reply to  Jesus

The name is Bruce Danus. Bruised Anus. Have you seen these articles? Self rape? Of course this is fake, but its pretty amusing.

masturbationbro
masturbationbro
6 years ago

If you broke into my house you would be killed then swiftly masturbated on

Science2
Science2
6 years ago

COME ON BRO! PUNISH THIS FUCKERS!

Sydney
Sydney
5 years ago

I’m a teen reading these post and it’s crazy,I obviously don’t masturbate I’m fourteen girl,and how I see it is you can’t control others actions,and we don’t live in the 1950s and tribal who says that,it’s so stereotypical,I’ve believed in God my whole life but a lot of the extremely religous people I know are the rudest which is sad God wants you to love everyone,and just because he was adopted by Asians does not mean they aren’t his parents.Family isn’t blood Family is who cares,I have a grandma who got angered by moms divorce and told her horrible things… Read more »

Colton Caven
5 years ago

i call troll on this shit! no way anyone is this fucking stupid….