Morals / Spot a Masturbator

How To Spot a Masturbator

Most people wash their hands as a way to stay clean and prevent the spread of harmful germs.  When using the restroom, a normal person will wash their hands upon entering the restroom so as to not spread bacteria and viruses to their genitals, and then relieve themselves afterwards.  This is why non-masturbators do not give themselves STDs.  On the other hand, masturbators will relieve themselves first (with soiled hands), then wash their hands AFTERWARDS, washing away the disgust of what lives on their genitals, as well as the subconscious shame they have from being a Masturbator.  Unfortunately, their lack of hygiene often times results in the spread of STDs such as: the Clap, the Gay, Herpes, and the bad AIDS.  The next time that you see someone washing their hands after using the restroom, make sure to let them know that they aren’t fooling anyone.  Praise!

– Lonnie

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masturbator
Guest
masturbator

so the is good AIDS?

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Yes. Magic Johnson has the good AIDS. As a professional football player he was coached to wash his hands before he took a dump.

Nick
Guest
Nick

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOOD AIDS. ALL AIDS IS BAD. LOOK IT UP ON ANY SCIENCE SITE.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

You are on a science site as we speak. Faith Science. And I’m telling you that Magic Johnson has the good AIDS. Tom Cruise in the documentary “Pennsylvania” had the bad AIDS. Because he was Homogay for Brad Pitt in the movie “Conversation with a Vampire”. Homogays always get the bad AIDS, because Homogays always masturbate.

sethke5
Guest

That is funny as fuck dude!

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous

This site is hilarious 😹

Julian Taylor
Member

When an individual abstains from masturbation God acts as a shield against the negative consequences of the bad AIDS, and only allows the positive side effects, such as weight loss. ^_^

donnie troomp
Guest

oh julian ur gonn Make me CUM 😳😥♋

Salome Fernandez
Guest
Salome Fernandez

You mean scLience.

Dani
Guest
Dani

looks like you could use some weight loss Julian Taylor, you must have bad AIDS.

mzmrizer
Guest
mzmrizer

oh my fcking god

Yousuck
Guest
Yousuck

You’re all literally insane, it’s all made up rubbish. God gave you a penis and a sensation when you move your hand up and down it for a reason. But you would fail to see the truth as you follow a book written thousands of years ago. With no proof as to what you are saying. Go be a fiction writer and do something useful with your time.

smdnsmb
Guest
smdnsmb

He played basketball you fucking idiot. Now ima how masturbate to a picture of your mom.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

The joke’s on you, my mother is very unattractive.

Lonnie Childs (Self-Raper)
Guest
Lonnie Childs (Self-Raper)

Wow, he just sunk his ship just to kill the captain. You’ve gotta give the lil’ shit props.

Bad Aids
Guest
Bad Aids

Which would mean that she has the BAD AIDs!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Jack
Guest

Magic johnson played basketball not football dumbass

Tom McBriarty
Guest
Tom McBriarty

If you can’t tell this is a satire site I feel sorry for you…

FappingForGood
Guest
FappingForGood

I lost it at you can catch “The Gay” lmfao these people

The Gay
Guest

Yo, gay is a serious disease don’t talk about it like that

Jesus fucking Christ
Guest
Jesus fucking Christ

Homosexuality is not a choice okay you motherfucker I hope you get “the gay” and “the bad aids” ??? and go fuck your god

LetsStartARaceWar
Guest
LetsStartARaceWar

its not fucking funny i had to kill my daughter after she caught the gay

gaydude
Guest
gaydude

gonna fuck my boyfriend right now….

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Knock yourself out. Good luck with the bad AIDS and everything.

butt lover
Guest
butt lover

so whats the verdict on anal?

yuki miyamoto
Guest
yuki miyamoto

Nice gaydude :3 Yesterday my boyfriend fucked me ^_^ and i loved :b gonna do it again today <3

Dan Rodrigues
Guest
Dan Rodrigues

Watch out for the ‘bad aids’…lol

uh huh hunny
Guest
uh huh hunny

who the fuck washes their hands before the use the toilet

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Any healthy non-masturbating adult Christian of normal ethnicity.

sethke5
Guest

What is a normal ethnicity, please do explain. I’m dying to hear your logic.

Ignorant genius
Guest
Ignorant genius

Normal ethnicity, as described by Webster, “what choo talk in’ bout’ Willis!!?”

iWankHard
Guest
iWankHard

So they can have their hands dirty and smelly afterwards.

Whore
Guest
Whore

He doesn’t need to masturbate when I give him blowjobs everyday

FUCKING LIT
Guest
FUCKING LIT

THIS COMMENT LIT UP THE ENTIRE POST ? OOHHHHHHHHHHH ?
FIRE
I
R
FIRE
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

jay blow me
Guest
jay blow me

totally gonna fuck my hand right now

LAZAR
Guest
LAZAR

*to the admins* You are just some crazy fanatics. Masturbation is NATURAL and healthy, and god have no problem with it, because he is as real as Santa. There is a “god” maybe , but if he exist he don’t give a f**k about fap. Now realy, imagine you are the ultimate force of the universe. All you think all day is that some tiny human faps??? Your knowledge is similar with the one of these guys, witch probably would burn in hell even after your standards :http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inquisition.

God is Lurve
Guest
God is Lurve

Spare us your lies, sorcerer.

Dan Rodrigues
Guest
Dan Rodrigues

I’ll pray for you so that you can get all of the jerking off time that you need because, we ‘sinners’ need it before we spread STDs amongst each other. Personally, I can’t stop laughing at the stuff that I’m reading…

Jesus
Guest
Jesus

You guys are crazy, masturbation is natural, I do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that, now excuse me as I masturbate.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

I recommend you get tested for bad AIDS in the morning. Then we’ll see who’s really crazy.

sethke5
Guest

It’s still going to be you, even if I do have AIDs. Which I do not.

Dan Rodrigues
Guest
Dan Rodrigues

@Nikita I suggest that you get tested for any tumors that may (and probably do) exist in your fucked up mind. Your warped idea that masturbation is evil is causing you to become nothing more than a fucking joke to a a shit load of people. I suggest a steady diet of some great fucking porn containing whatever subject it is that gets you off and if watching some chick getting ass rammed by a guy dressed in a clown suit then so be it(who am I to judge? The point is to spend some ‘quiet time’ with yourself, your… Read more »

Tman22099
Guest
Tman22099

you are completly right my friend.

The Admins are wack
Guest
The Admins are wack

AIDS is a virus that spreads through humans body fluid such as blood and semem… You can’t get it from your hands…

Touch_yourself_daily
Guest
Touch_yourself_daily

This website is a joke right? God has an entire universe to look after. He doesn’t give a shit if your kid is masturbating. He created the natural sexual urges that humans get to masturbate.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

So, did the God fill you in on his priority list? Preventing kids from masturbating, IS looking after the universe dummy.

Ce'ell Stryfe
Guest

How do I break this too you… since the dawn of time, human nature has been to eat, sleep, and fuck. If it wasn’t meant to happen. Then people wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. It is part of life. In a manner of speaking it can give you sexual confidence, depending on the person and what he or she learns from the experience. You dorks have been on some crusade to stop what has been natural from the beginning of human existence. Get over it. Literally the ONLY religions that go against sex is any one of… Read more »

EE
Guest
EE

?

That’s a lot of message for a SATIRIC site…

No
Guest
No

Yes bitchesssss

Cbrion
Guest
Cbrion

Because god isn’t real.

mattschwent
Guest

let there be peace, pleasure, ecstasy and love around the globe when all brothers and sister beyond all nationality, skincollors, religions and ages put there hand on there genitals and anus to give themself the best time they can have and moan i am free… amen

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

SELF RAPE!!

Berry McCockinim
Guest
Berry McCockinim

I literally stretch my cock and shove ot in my anus

chronic masturbator
Guest
chronic masturbator

Done deal. I’m in.

David Jones
Guest
David Jones
Lynx
Guest
Lynx

My mate once shoved a lynx can up some lasses ass.
Does that count as wanking her off? To be fair I’m pretty sure he washed his hands first.

non
Guest
non

This must be a joke, right?

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Bad AIDS is funny to you?

Bitchy
Guest
Bitchy

But your profile picture is Nikita.

Mary
Guest
Mary

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh burned!!!!!

Bob
Guest
Bob

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Dan Rodrigues
Guest
Dan Rodrigues

well said

Joe
Guest
Joe

This is a brilliant website

gay professor
Guest
gay professor

My boyfriend here’s me off regularly. I have no need to maturbate. Up yours religious fanatics!

Nikita Shalavin
Member

“here’s me off” doesn’t make any sense. Up yours masturbator!

ROFL
Guest
ROFL

Why do you want to stick something “up his”? That’s gross!

Normal 16 Year Old Female
Guest
Normal 16 Year Old Female

Ok, here’s the deal. I’m a fucking girl and I masturbate. I got tested for STD’s yesterday as per my moms request since I am sexually active and I am 16 years of age. My boyfriend ALSO masturbates and he as well got an STD test before and after we had sex. Guess what you fucking moron? ALL OF OUR TESTS CAME BACK CLEAN! Go fuck yourself, you uneducated swine.

skating gayly
Guest
skating gayly

I jerk off to just about everything. Especially when my partner fucks me up the ass. No need to maturbate

Nikita Shalavin
Member

You’ll never get pregnant with that attitude.

Michael Elmer
Guest

I am very familiar with man-to-hand combat. This website is a joke.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Your profile picture is a joke. Good luck with bad AIDS Karate Kid.

Natalie
Guest
Natalie

Wow, Nikita, You are a HUGE troll! You act like you’re some perfect little saint and then tell someone they’re a joke. Something smells very trollish here. I’ve encountered tons of trolls in my life, and I know how to spot one.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Wow, Natalie! Something smells very whorish here. And I’m afraid it may be your HUGE vagina. Praise.

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

Amen and Amen.

Tman22099
Guest
Tman22099

The one using a word like that is the whore

sethke5
Guest

No, her vagina is normal sized, you just have a ridiculously small penis. They have pills that can make it bigger bro, maybe then you can calm down. It must be awful being too small to rub out a few knuckle children every now and then.

Betty
Guest
Betty

God does not condone it when people insult others, Nakita. Even if they threw insults first. Pretty sure that’s a sin. You are no better than they are!

NoFapNoCry
Guest
NoFapNoCry

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PLS THIS WEBSITE IS THE BEST COMIC WEBSITE IN THE WORLD

Debunker
Guest
Debunker

Omg are you serious? Is this website even serious? Smh

Emo_Lesbian_Homosexual
Guest

Shut your god damn mouth you, sad, worthless, failed abortion. It must’ve been so sad when you crawled out of your mothers vagina and starting spatting out bullshit. I hope you parents are dissapointed.

Skunky Buttchin
Guest
Skunky Buttchin

Holy Troll shit can the idiots of the interwebs not spot a sarcastic joke website when its blatantly obvious? Every story has a picture that has nothing to do with the subjects of the story. Everything on here is over the top and ridiculous or sarcastic…douches

Nikita Shalavin
Member

I prayed for, as well as against this comment.

HailScience
Guest
HailScience

Drink the cool-aid you bible thumping trailor trash. Fuck you and your imaginary friend. I hope you join him asap

Nikita Shalavin
Member

I live in a 3 story condo in downtown San Francisco and drive the new Vette. So fuck you, and your imaginary girlfriend.

sethke5
Guest

Are you sure you’re not a self hating gay man, because your digs sound pretty homo.

Nikita Shalavin
Member

Sethke you seem like a big fan of my work, commenting on every one of my comments. Please follow this link to cure your Homogay disease: https://www.facebook.com/stopbuttsex

sethke5
Guest

I just enjoy how you have an answer backing even your most outrageously ignorant statements.

skitzo
Guest
skitzo

I don’t wash my hands after I relieve myself.. I wash my dick in the
morning

augustweisz
Admin

A lot of masturbators work in the food service industry.

Natalie
Guest
Natalie

So, lemme get this straight. If I wash my hands BEFORE I go the the bathroom, I don’t masturbate. But I wash my hands after, like most normal and hygienic people do, I’m a masturbating fool? This makes no sense.

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

Faith dear is believing without seeing. Stop self raping yourself. Praise.

Leia
Guest
Leia

You have to be SO ignorant to call mastrabating self rape. Do you know what rape is? It’s nonconsensual sex. Wait that’s a big word, let me break it down okay? It means when someone whom you DON’T WANT forces themselves onto you. People who mastrabate do so BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. Furthermore, mastrabating IS NOT SEX. Calling this Self-rape just proves how uneducated you are.

Big Boy John
Guest

I’m masturbating right now while reading these comments

Nick
Guest
Nick

This is such bs. There’s no such thing as bad aids and good aids. Aids is just the final and worst stage of HIV. Masturbation is healthy and natural. And no one washes there hands before they use the bathroom unless they have some type of OCD.

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

Do you say these things because you have AIDS good friend? I sympathize for you and hope through prayer and faith you can come to understand bad AIDS from good AIDS. It is very significant. Praise.

Nick
Guest
Nick

I do not have AIDS but I have studied AIDS in biology and aids is just the last stage in Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). There is no good type because it is a virus that will kill you if you don’t try and treat it. So please, research things before you talk about them and spread lies.

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

I am a practicing physician brother Nick. I know the signs.

Jeff
Guest
Jeff

Oh, alright Bishop Smith. You’re a practicing physician. So please explain what “good AIDS” and “bad AIDS” are, because I took a Genetics class in high school in which I learned quite a bit about the HIV herpesvirus, but a “good” disease was never mentioned in the curriculum. What are the signs of “good AIDS”?

Leia
Guest
Leia

HAHAHAAHAHAHA you are a practicing physician!! Oh that was a great joke dude, well done.

Burrito Eater
Guest
Burrito Eater

You can’t catch “The Gay” you stupid fucks! There is NO God… only fucktards like yourselves. Please go get an education before you kill off humanity with your treacherous words. I am a compulsive hand washer… before, during and after masturbating. I was also just recently checked by a healthcare physician for any STD’s and VD’s and guess what… I am squeaky clean. Still masturbating too. Bwahahaha

Liam McKey
Guest

The bad AIDS is real and anyone who says otherwise is some sort of anarchist. Whatever you can give yourself from food born illness, can be transmitted as well. Please wash your hands so you can stop the spread of: The bad AIDS, The Gay, Herpes, and the Clap, in that order. Lives are on the line here people!!!!

Leia
Guest
Leia

Please provide me with sufficient scientifically based proof of “bad” AIDS. Cause I’m pretty sure ALL AIDS are horrible. You want to know why? CAUSE AIDS KILL YOU. It doesn’t matter how a person ends up contracting the AIDS cause in the end YOU GOT AIDS NO MATTER WHAT. It’s a horrible disease that religious nuts like you need to leave alone. Educate yourself sir or madam. Because you just sound like an idiot

Feg
Guest
Feg

Site mod’s just mad he can’t get a rub :3

i love myself
Guest
i love myself

bad aids is love bad aids is life

Nikita Shalavin
Guest

said every child molester ever.

Derp Trollington
Guest
Derp Trollington

I pray for you brother that you one day will masturbate. You cannot know God’s love until you have masturbated. I pray that after you read this comment you go into a bathroom and know God’s love.

Nikita Shalavin
Guest

Derp Tryintotroll

I pray at you, so that you are one day cured of satirical blindness brought on by chronic masturbation. Please give my best to your mother, I hope she is in good health.

Derp Trollington
Guest
Derp Trollington

I see that Satan has a firm grasp upon your life Nikita. I recommend that immediately masturbate before it is too late. If you don’t masturbate now then you will never get to know God. If you don’t know God, Satan has won. We cannot allow Satan to win so please get to know God before it is too late.

Nikita Shalavin
Guest

Derp…. are you flirting with me?

Burrito Eater
Guest
Burrito Eater

He does masturbate, everyone does. He will just lie about it so Brother Smith and Bob don’t get mad and beat him with their sausages. Typical religious fanatic. Being a bigot and discriminating against people are illegal and I for one feel your anti-social behaviour and discriminating comments are a just cause to get your ass locked up so Bubba can have ya. Shall I send you some lube?

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

Playing the victim is common. Everyone is a victims. They band together in ignorance and try to stop those who speak truth about BIG MASTURBATION. You are probably lying on your stomach as I preach these words self-raping yourself. And then you’ll say your a victim of your right hand and your left.

Ashley
Guest
Ashley

I usually lie on my back when masturbating…

sethke5
Guest

Takes one to know one I suppose.

Bishop Smith
Guest
Bishop Smith

Lies that your right and left hand taught you. Pray AT this fellow that he may be ridden of his guilt.

compulsio liarum
Guest
compulsio liarum

BAD aids is bad for you! And for everyone but IF you to to shower afterwards it turns to normal aids then you can pray it off. God is great. Hail Freyja!

sethke5
Guest

For the record I do not believe that “the gay” is an STD. It would be nice if you evangelists would study the science of reality. Not the biased non fact based science you create within your religious chain of command. Strange how science all of a sudden fits when you guys explain it in relation to your own views and agendas.

sethke5
Guest

So if you guys who are anti-self pleasure had to choose, would you rather somebody masturbate or have premarital intercourse. Serious question too. I’m rather intrigued.

sethke5
Guest

I bet $5 you guys will pray against me.

sethke5
Guest

SHOW MEE THE MONEYYYY!

sethke5
Guest

Eve was the worlds first carpenter. She made Adam’s banana stand!

sethke5
Guest

So a floppy penis grows on the pope’s forehead, jesus comes down sucks the cock and receives a money shot in his left eye, while he whacks off a 7 year old boy with the nail hole, and fucks a goat in the ass, they all moved to San Francisco and opened a gay bar. Try and prove me wrong, this totally happened! The End.

Burrito Eater
Guest
Burrito Eater

One day, Jesus is taking a walk and comes upon a group of people who are about to stone a woman to death for adultery. Jesus says: “Let he among you who is without sin cast the first… ” BONK! Jesus is interrupted by a stone hitting him square in the head. He looks at the crowd trying to identify the culprit who threw the stone at him. Suddenly he gets a dissapointed look on his face, and says “Oh for fuck’s sake, mom!” Accept this as my official stone… may your cock fall off in your “Vette” that was… Read more »

yuki miyamoto
Guest
yuki miyamoto

loool i cant believe there’s still people saying that gay is even a disease, i’m gay, and i feel so proud of it xD oh and by the way, i like to masturbate, but i love when i’m masturbating and my boyfriend has his dick inside my ass <3

Robert Swireman
Guest
Robert Swireman

Hey bible bashers, Here’s a link to a poem about a Roman soldier butt fucking Jesus’ corpse and sucking his holy cock. Also, why don’t you fuck off and leave the face of this planet because no-one wants you idiotic scientifically crippled conservative cunts.

http://torturebyroses.gydja.com/tbrkirkup.html

Ignorance is Apparently Bliss
Guest

READ:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HIV/AIDS
Saying there is a Bad Aids is like Saying there is a Bad Black Death and a Good Black Death

matt
Guest
matt

you know what bad aids are don’t you? they’re the same as regular aids, just bad.

sethke5
Guest

Dude, be careful. these christians have proved they know all about reality bro. They are sooooo smart. They worship a zombie in the sky, they can’t not be stupid.

smdnsmb
Guest
smdnsmb

I’m masturbating as I read this.

Liam McKey
Guest

I remember a kid from school that we picked on, was caught masturbating in the boys room. We suspected that he had the gay. We decided that the best course of action was to bully the gay out of him, but it didn’t work. Years later we learned that he got the bad aids and he died. He didn’t die of the gay or the bad aids though. He died because of some skin-heads.

Ashley
Guest
Ashley

What if someone were to wash their hands before and after they use the restroom?

666inches Number of my penis
Guest
666inches Number of my penis

Best site ever. Bring the good Old Lord down and bring back Satan my saviour!
I’ll raise Hitler as my child before converting to God!

sethke5
Guest

Sooooo. I just got a handjob, does that count as indirectly masturbating for her, or premarital relations… Or did I induce indirect masturbation and indirect self rape, or did I just get raped…

sethke5
Guest

Ode to masturbation:
Oh, wifi connection be strong
KY Jelly be full,
Penis please be strong
Carpel Tunnel syndrome I pray I do not have
Choose a site and drop my pants
Spit or lube
I do not care
Erection, erection
Masturbation material selection
Inter-species Erotic midget scat porn
It will do
Up and down
Three to five minutes
I drop my goo.
Pants and belt up and secure
Leave the church office
I hope my pastor does not see
Go for a walk,
15 minutes and I go back to church
Going to hit on a nun and masturbate.
Ode to masturbation.

The masturbator
Guest
The masturbator

I’m masturbating right thinking about those conservative woman behind this site, I’ll cum all over your faces

El progenitor
Guest
El progenitor

No need to comment that “article” (if we can say) except by the simple word “nonsense”. Religious fanatics are so far in their ill-convictions that I wont try to tell anything in just five words.
But I am clearly glad to know now that there are “good” and “bad” AIDS ! Nikita machin truc, you cannot figure out how much I estimate…

raj
Guest
raj

hahaha its natural and healthy enough for a person. and i first time came to know that it causes aids ….. grow up kiddies..

just your average guy
Guest
just your average guy

Those who don’t wash their hands AFTER using the washroom spread disease! You can’t get an STP from masturbation….. You’re a very brainwashed & naive bunch.

The Rev-run
Guest
The Rev-run

I hear they make restraining jackets for 5 y/olds to keep them from touching themselves..cray cray

vote Thor 2016
Guest
vote Thor 2016

LOL wow thanks for the good laugh I specially love the thought that “the gay” is a disease. Also I thought everyone knew about the good AIDS you know the kind this is imaginary, then again that isn’t the only imaginary thing about religion.

Micheal Hayes
Guest

wtf is this website? this is a joke. masterbation is a healthy thing to do do and alot of people will do it. its a natural part of life. girls and boys do it! it is not a sin at all this website is a pile of untrue holy crap 🙂