Lonnie Childs / Spot a Masturbator

New Test For Parents To Detect Masturbation

Faith Scientists, working in conjunction with Faith Healers and Faith Physicians, have succeeded in making an accurate, over the counter test for parents to detect masturbation activities in their children. The new test, called F.A.P. Certainty™, will be available by the end of 2014. The test, while being marketed towards responsible parents, will work with potential masturbators of any age. Before the release of the home test, concerned individuals can bring their suspected masturbator to any of the Lonnie Childs Approved® Faith Healing Centers and ask for the Fast Acting Probe test to be done.

“The test is quite simple,” said Faith Physician, Dr. Ryan Hamilton, “the potential masturbator is asked to stick their hand in a beaker of a proprietary solution. The solution is tuned to respond to either male seminal fluid or female vaginal fluid residue on the offenders hand. If the residue is detected, the hand instantly begins to swell, outing the masturbator and shaming them for weeks to come as they wait for the swelling to recede. The home version will be sold as a powder that can be activated by adding the amount of water indicated on the packaging. We expect this test to be a game changer in exposing masturbation. No longer will we have to catch the self-rapist in the act or speculate based on their reading habits or worldwide web browsing history.”

The F.A.P. Certainty Test

The “Fast Acting Probe” Certainty™ test in action. He failed.

Dr. Hamilton added, “We’d like to thank Lonnie Childs for his generous donations to help fund this important project. While the test will begin as a voluntary measure, we are working with conservative politicians in Washington. Our hope is that the Fast Acting Probe can become a mandatory part of the Affordable Care Act. I know several Senators are fighting to make this test become a mandatory part of all visits paid for by the ACA. If the individual fails the F.A.P. test, they will be subject to fines and penalties.”

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augustweisz
Admin
7 years ago

This is what tax dollars should be used for. Not liberal lies about carbon dating and plate tectonics.

WAT THE FUCKKK
WAT THE FUCKKK
6 years ago
Reply to  augustweisz

this is sick dude

Nazgûl
7 years ago

Ahahaha dude you cannot be serious.

Dark Mercenary
7 years ago

Faith Scientist? Are you people off your fucking meds? This is the most laughably idiotic thing I have ever had the displeasure of reading. Plate tectonic s are an important thing to study! When 2 tectonic plates colide your looking at a serious natural disaster that will anihalate millions of people! Im talking earthquakes, Tsunamis… real apocalyptic shit. Buy studying when and how the plates will move early warning systems can be detected to save the lives of so many! And you want the government the United States Government to invest billions of dollars to stop people from flogging their… Read more »

Surrender2Christ
Surrender2Christ
7 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

Maybe if you weren’t brainwashed by left-wing academia and allowed Christ inside your heart instead of other men inside your rectum, you would know that the earth cannot move. Plate tectonics isn’t real. The earth has very solid foundations. Read Psalm 104:5. God causes earthquakes in places where people don’t know Him in order to punish them, like in communist China and Haiti. Masturbation is the real danger because it is a man knowing another man (himself). Read Leviticus 18:22 and Genesis 38:9-10.

Dark Mercenary
7 years ago

You cacauses plates to slip and collide with tremendous force ndem someone to hell for not beleiving what you Do. If you where truley a person of faith you woulrelise that. True Christians dont carry so much hate. And moron tectonic plates are A very real thing.. their movement are caused buy convection currents in the mantle Which causes plates to slip and collide entire mountain ranges have been formed ie the Himalaya s the rockys…. god does not create earthquakes when the bible was written everyone thought the earth was flat… you sir need an education

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

For someone who claims to be smart, DarkMercury has yet say anything smart. Do You even bible?

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

I actually typed this as your son was jerking me off Liam.My sincerest apologies for the spelling the kid can tug. Never claimed to be smart just have more of an understanding of the world than you. Also can you unlock the door to your sons room I want to impregnate your wife.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Also I dont bible the only time I bible is to tear pages out and wipe the cum off the corners of your sons mouth. While your wife tongue punches my fart box.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Dennis, so you are now fanticising about my son? You truly are a pervert. Cleaver as you may be, your homogay ways will have no affect on him. I spank the gay out of him on a regular basis.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Who is Dennis? You claim to be a man of Christ yet you are so blind from your hateful ways preached to you from a false prophet… this site is full of censorship! You people do not accept others.. if you where truly a Christian you would know that only God can judge others… and the bible does teach acceptance. You are just some lunatic and nothing more or nothing less. Guess I will be seeing you in hell then hey… bring your son I need a toy.

trog69
7 years ago

This test ruint my life! I tooked the test and failed, because I had wandered off the path that Jesus Christ wanted for me. But when I got home, I accidently touched my lips with my now-huge fingers, and my lips swelled up so big I couldn’t fit food into my mouth! Of course, it was because a male succubus had invaded my sleep, knowing I was off the path, and now I’m a homogay, too!

Dark Mercenary
7 years ago
Reply to  trog69

Look at the bright side with giant fat fingers you can take pleasure in fingering your own ass as an alternative.

Dark Mercenary
7 years ago

Im going to do this test on my cock so I can have a longer fatter cock… chicks will always wanna see 😉 im looking at you Cathy Redmond ;0 o====8

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

I suppose that if I had a pee pee like yours, i might do the same thing.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

So what your saying is you want to pull yourself of now is that it? Praise Lonnie

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

No Dennis, it means that if my pee pee was as small as yours, I would be desperate enough to think of doing this also.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Whos Dennis?

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

“Dennis” is the name we assign to the average Masturbator. I learned this in Vietnam when we called all of the V.C. “Charley.”

Our term “Dennis” is based on a real life Masturbator named Dennis Hancock. Even his last name is a Masturbator name. We’ve contacted Dennis’s boss at Oz Emergency Services and are sending him the appropriate evidence that the boss needs so he can fire this man.

Anyway, it shouldn’t effect you.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
6 years ago

The more tools we have to combat masturbation, the better! Praise!

Dennis Hancock
6 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

I am going to take a dump on your chest lonnie

Riggertson
6 years ago

Please educate me this is a joke, I’m a believer, but wow, don’t you think this is a little overboard? That is a REDACTED of REDACTED made by REDACTED said REDACTED, when you mix REDACTED and REDACTED together. The other REDACTED are either REDACTED or REDACTED used in the process of making said REDACTED. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe like I said, but, is this not false advertisement?

King loony Child Toucher

Cathy you sexy thing show us your tits!

jesus christ
jesus christ
6 years ago

haha i just masturbate reading this article, ahhaha you are just a bad and stupid joke :*

Retard
Retard
6 years ago

You guys are fucking stupid. I’ll stick a hand up YOUR ASS if you don’t stop this. It’s a personal preference

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Retard

Spoken like a true Masturbator.

Who are you?
Who are you?
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

Dear Mr. Liam Mckey, after careful research of you and your Facebook page which is linked, you seem to be hateful, hypocritical, and extremely biased, here’s why. Hateful because of the lack of acceptance of ideas other than your own, which in turn breeds hate.

Who are you?
Who are you?
6 years ago
Reply to  Who are you?

Hypocritical because after a short analysis of your Facebook like page, it’s mostly pages of barely clothed women and hate groups, which makes me sad because you claim to be in christ’s light but have no basis in telling others that they are sinning because truly only God can judge you.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Who are you?

I have serious doubts about your ability to perform research on Facebook. I am a man of Christ, as well as a follower of Lonnie Childs, which makes me superior to the likes of you. Have a blessed day

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

The Sin of Pride.

Who are you?
Who are you?
6 years ago

Biased mainly because of you pushing your interpretation on the bible down everyone’s throat, I’m sure you are a respectable man, but there is a reason that there are so many sects of religion, mainly Christianity. Why is your interpretation right while mine is the way of a sinner? That doesn’t seem logical at all because if I’m loving christ and his teachings to the fullest in my eyes why should I change to a way where I feel like I’m constricted and not going on the right spiritual journey.

Who are you?
Who are you?
6 years ago
Reply to  Who are you?

So in closing, please try and be more open minded and christ like,because I don’t believe that this is exactly what he had envisioned… Also don’t hit your son, that’s somewhat illegal.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Who are you?

Christ died for your sins, on the original anti-masturbation restraint device any you have the nerve to tells to be more Christ like? You are a shameful person.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Liam McKey

So lets summarize… your saying that Jesus was a masterbator? And died on the Anti Masturbation Cross? What a Sinful thing to say im quite sure you will be condemed to hell for that…

Lonnie Childs
Admin
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

Christ’s hands being nailed to the cross symbolizes the anti-masturbation lifestyle that He demanded for us, His children. Isn’t that obvious? Praying at you now.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

Jesus couldn’t have masturbated, Dennis. His hands were tied to a cross. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Who is Dennis? But you said he died on an anti masturbation cross? Why was he on there in the first place cock breath

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Hahahaha you have got to be kidding??? You are pathetic Liam Mckey hahahaha

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Liam Mckey given the things this site Promotes its clear you are Radical Extremists. . Given given the state the world is in I am Now contacting the FBI.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

We know the Safford-based FBI well! Tell agents Weisz and Sean we said “hi”! We always look forward to their visits. They will leave disappointed once again, of course.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Disappointed because your a dud root fat body

Liam McKey
6 years ago

Feel free to contact the FBI and spread our holy message. Make sure you include the threats you made about my son.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Did I offend you? I hope so he is a screamer

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

While you are drinking the Koolade your son will be jerkin my gherkin

Liam McKey
6 years ago

Why have you become so defensive? Do you know Dennis? Do you talk with him at the Masturbator meetings?

If I didn’t know better, I would think that you are Dennis.

Liam McKey
6 years ago

Maybe after Denny’s gets fired from his job, you can take his place.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Not defensive just very hot and horny for an orgy with your son and wife. Your son is the chairman at our meetings ands your wife is secretary of doggy style. Lol you have know idea who I am.

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

If you are fantasizing about my son then you are a homogay and you have just proven everything I have stated. Thank you for proving me right.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Correction erection im Homohappy. I admit I love masturbating im masturbating over your hat as we speak.

Liam McKey
6 years ago

You are no where near my hat, Masturbator. You live in a delusional world.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

Well not now but I was my evil semen is going to infect your brain

Liam McKey
6 years ago

You are experiencing all the symptoms of masturbation addiction. We can help you, but you must want to change.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

You will be cursed by my devil fetus which is now growing inside your brain

Liam McKey
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

*yawn

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

*violently Masturbating

OneReason
OneReason
6 years ago

I’m against masturbation, but it’s hard to prohibit children from masturbating when their cartoons shows show semi nude girls which gives them presexual maturation, when girls in their schools wear shorts and when we think it’s all about being 18 and above.
Prevention is better than treatment.

Smith
Smith
6 years ago

That Gif is [REDACTED], and it has [REDACTED] with masturbating! Bing™ Lonnie Childs!

kelly
kelly
6 years ago

Hmmm. That [REDACTED] looks exactly like the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] which i just [REDACTED] about [REDACTED]: BANNED PORNOGRAPHICS LINK – please [REDACTED] at this [REDACTED]. I knew your [REDACTED] was a [REDACTED] but now [REDACTED] is [REDACTED] yall are [REDACTED]! What does [REDACTED] say about [REDACTED] again? You are clearly [REDACTED] a [REDACTED] falsely [REDACTED] up a [REDACTED] to [REDACTED] innocent [REDACTED]. What [REDACTED] you [REDACTED] next? [REDACTED] mutilation to stop masturbation? Its your [REDACTED] of people who [REDACTED] people [REDACTED] god and stop [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] you and [REDACTED] this website!

Dennis
6 years ago
Reply to  kelly

PORNOGRAPHICS DELETED – LONNIE

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

You guys should end masturbation… do the world a favour.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

hey Lonnie is fucking with my comments perhaps he need his ass to be fucked

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

so as I was saying before loony Lonnie child toucher censored my comment. you Lonnie lovers seem so damn miserable… always condemning people to hell, hating people who tease Lonnie,not masturbating….Lonnie squatting to take a piss because he is so scared of touching his sin chode… all you Lonnie lovers need some dick… I will lend mine and fuck you all till you forget how miserable your lives actually are… why? because I like fucking… and I will fuck all of lonnies followers for something to do… id fuck anything id even fuck a black snake with a fested ass….… Read more »

EmilieD
EmilieD
6 years ago
Reply to  Dark Mercenary

blah blah blah… You are the king of long winded masturbators. Remove your hands from your abused penis and use them to PRAY. You are a special case for sure.

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago
Reply to  EmilieD

Why hello emilyD you can sign me up to take the Golden Shower of Truth and Forgiveness from Lonnie! I think I am ready!

Dark Mercenary
6 years ago

PORNOGRAPHICS DELETED – LONNIE