Masturbation Music

Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool.  Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had handed out to him and his sisters.

Chick Tracts are a wonderful comic book series!

Chick Tracts are a wonderful comic book series!

Instead of losing himself in the fine, moral storytelling of Jack Chick as his siblings were, Jimmy was distracted by something he was listening to on his Beats By Dre® earphones.  Always eager to understand what could be more interesting than Christian comic books, I casually rummaged through Jimmy’s luggage when he was taking a shower and discovered that he had been listening to a secular music band called Tool.

I was disgustipated by what I learned about Tool after a quick BING search engine search.  The cold and ugly truth is that this band is obsessed with masturbation.  Virtually every single song in their catalog is an ode to Onanism.

Is this really what you want shoved into your children's ears?

Is this really what you want shoved into your children’s ears?

After admonishing Jimmy with a love-filled Christian spanking, I informed him that any further attempt to listen to this band in my home would be met with nothing but intolerance.  I then had my security detail expel Jimmy into the surrounding swamplands for the remainder of the evening in the hopes that the alone time would allow for some serious reflection upon his life choices.

A typical Tool/masturbation fan.

A typical Tool/masturbation fan

The following is a select list of Tool masturbation songs.  Please send all women and children out of the room before scrolling further.

  • 10,000 Days – Referring to the consecutive number of days the lead singer, Maynard James, masturbated — 27 years.

Sample lyric – “It’s time now!  My time now!  Give me my, Give me my wings!

  • Ænima – About the repulsive masturbation act of inserting a water douche up the anus while self-raping.

Sample lyric – “I wanna see it go right in and down.  I wanna watch it go right in.”

  • Bottom – “Bottom” is the name of a submissive homosexual.  A homosexual is a person who masturbates.

Sample lyric – “Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive at the bottom.”

  • Faaip de Oiad – The title is a actually a German phrase referring to the internet trend known as “fapping”; code for masturbation.

Sample lyric – (spoken dialogue) “They want those major population centers wiped out so that the few that are left will be more easily controllable.”

  • Forty Six and Two –  The number of times the lead singer masturbated in one day, 42 (a personal record) and his wish to one day break that record by two.

Sample lyric – “Forty-six and two ahead of me.”

  • Jerk-Off – Not entirely sure that this song has anything to do with self rape, though the phrase “jerk off” sometimes means masturbation.

Sample lyric – “Consequences dictate our course of action and it doesn’t matter what’s right.  It’s only wrong if you get caught.”

  • Prison Sex – Another code word for masturbation, for when one is jailed, it is impossible to have procreational sexual relations with one’s same-race spouse.  Masturbation is literally the only option for sexual release.  Here, the singer dreams of the day when he will be thrown in jail, where masturbation and other homosexual acts are the norm.

Sample lyric – “Won’t you come just a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you.  I need you to feel this.  I need this to make me whole.  There’s release in this sodomy.”

  • Stinkfist – The sexual act of inserting a fist into one’s anus while masturbating.  Another homosexual act.

Sample lyric – “It’s not enough.  I need more.  Nothing seems to satisfy.  I said I don’t want it.  I just need it.  To breathe, To feel, to know I’m alive.”

  • Third Eye – The term “third eye” is an internet code word for “anus”.  Masturbators sure are obsessed with that part of the anatomy!  More proof that masturbation is a hardcore homosexual act.

Sample lyric – “Prying open my third eye.”

Lead singer, Maynard James on stage.

Lead singer, Maynard James, on stage.  How is this legal?

Unfortunately, Tool is currently in the studio working on a new masturbation album.  Luckily, however, history has shown that it will probably be another ten years or so before the album is actually finished, so we have a sizable intermission to work with before our ears and morals are assaulted again.

 

God bless some of you!

– Lonnie Childs

 

 

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Cassidy Pen
6 years ago

What sickening music. This band should be stopped.

trippyhippie
5 years ago
Reply to  Cassidy Pen

are you kidding me?? this is a psychedelic band. “third eye” refers do doing LSD and opening the pineal gland. this band cares about drugs, not jacking off. idiots.

Nigel Covington
6 years ago

Why haven’t the police thrown these Slaves of Seamen in prison? We pay our taxes, we contribute to society and as Christians have always done good works in the communities where we live. Its bands like Tool who spread the word of the devil and teach innocent young girls how to diddle themselves and young boys to grab their stiffened sin sticks and pound it for Satan. These rock & roll bands are all Satan worshippers and their mission is to corrupt our children through their unholy music. So why isn’t someone doing something?

augustweisz
Admin
6 years ago

How is this music even legal? I would only expect to find this kind of filth in one of those lawless Amsterdam type places where anything goes.

Bob
Bob
6 years ago

I hate all of you.

lucifer
lucifer
6 years ago

Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!Praise Satan!

Steven Fappington
Steven Fappington
6 years ago

None of these interpretations are true. Where did you find this bull shit? 10,000 days is about how long his mother was paralyzed after a brain aneurysm, you insensitive prick. Faaip de oiad isn’t German. It actually means “voice of God” in a language made in the 16th century by a man inspired by angels. 46 & 2 is about how humans have 46 chromosomes, and the theory that new ones are added in groups of 2. Ænima is about all the douche bags that live in LA. Did you even look at the lyrics? I hope you all burn… Read more »

Altered Boy
Altered Boy
6 years ago

I actually agree a little. Tool are wankers, but not in the way described here. It has more to do with the way they compose their music and play their instruments combined with Maynard’s over-inflated ego. Prog rock is called “masturbation music” for a reason! Their only decent album was Ænima, their fans are morons (see the comment above mine) and releasing one album every decade whilst not releasing anything since 2006 doesn’t help much either. This band is much better than Tool, yet not nearly as well known, sadly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BONcpuDcrc Simple song structure, yet a decent song with a… Read more »

Manny
Manny
6 years ago

Tool throws good concerts. Sober is my favorite of their songs.

stevenbedfordgriffithdevo

46 and 2 is about evolution. Homo sapiensapiens have 46 chromosomes, two more is another step

Tim
Tim
6 years ago

You are all fucking idiots. Go fuck yourselves. 10,000 days is about his mother being paralyzed you motherfucker. 46 and 2 is about evolving. Cuz you know, god isnt real. Third eye is about finding yourself, and becoming something greater, and finding things about yourself. That final picture isnt even Maynard fucwit. Thats Justin Chancellor. Who makes fun of ignorant people like yourselves. Prison sex, thats about a child being sexually assaulted, and how he recovers. Stinkfist is about drug abuse retard. Aenima is about pricks living in L.A. Jerk off is about self coherent assholes, or criminals, who think… Read more »

Tim
Tim
6 years ago
Reply to  Tim

I apologize for my saying of God isnt real. I was very angry. I am an atheist as well, so. You can believe what you wanna believe, just dont do things like this. Dont say this is bad satanic music. Its not. This is good music about spiritual things. Thank you.

Cliff Burton
Cliff Burton
6 years ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEEEp_J12tY This song is actually about child abuse. “Prison Sex” It took so long to remember just what happened. I was so young and vestal then, you know it hurt me, but I’m breathing so I guess I’m still alive even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. I’ve got my hands bound, my head down , my eyes closed, and my throat wide open. Do unto others what has been done to you I’m treading water, I need to sleep a while. My lamb and martyre, you look so precious. Won’t you come a bit closer, close enough so… Read more »

Strokey McShaft
Strokey McShaft
5 years ago

I’m not sure about the other’s but 10,000 Days is about the death of his mother, and how she died 27 years (roughly 10,000 days) after she suffered a cerebral anurism that left her paralysed… Get your facts straight hate preachers…

Dick Wanker
Dick Wanker
5 years ago

I’m masturbating to this satanic music right now.

Judith
Judith
5 years ago

You should check out one of his other bands (A Perfect Circle) and the song “Judith”. Religious people just LOVE that one.

Craig
Craig
5 years ago

What a load of hogwash. Sounds to me that this guy is obsessed with masterbation, not Tool. Hypocrite preaching the verse with a “healthy loved filled Christian spanking”

Deku
Deku
5 years ago

I highly doubt lonnies mother was lucky enough to give birth to another child. Since Lonnie is so ugly so must she

Tit Lick
Tit Lick
5 years ago

The fact that they got religious people to talk about masturbation is proof that magic exists.

Mark
Mark
5 years ago

The bible actually says its better to spill ur seed on the floor that into the belly of a whore. And I do both while listening to Tool. Oh yes. Good times. Even sometimes i watch my wife masturbate to Tool.