U.S. Government ‘Accidentally’ Leaks Lonnie Childs Southwest Conquest Map

According to sources within Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, the United States has ‘accidentally’ leaked a map that B.L.U.F.F. was using for internal strategy purposes. The map in question featured the Southwest of the United States and labeled the areas that Brother Lonnie and His advisors had planned to focus their growth and outreach for the 2015 calendar year.

Brother Art Krebs with B.L.U.F.F. explains that, “We give our plans to the U.S. Government as a courtesy, so they are aware of what we are planning. Typically during more friendly administrations this can lead to us working with the Government agencies in tandem to help America. However, in some administrations, our plans are ignored.” Brother Krebs says that never before had an administration stolen B.L.U.F.F. strategy materials. “This just goes to show how lazy Obama is. He can’t even draw up his own maps, he has to steal Lonnie’s,” adds Brother Krebs. “I realize we produce advanced and high quality images here at B.L.U.F.F. but it seems pretty hackneyed to steal our ideas wholesale.”

"Jade Helm 15" in it's first form - Brother Lonnie's 2015 Conquest plans

“Jade Helm 15” in its first form – Brother Lonnie’s 2015 Conquest plans

Prior to the alleged theft by the U.S. Government, Brother Lonnie’s map showed plans for expansion into Southern California, Nevada, Colorado and special attention directed at New Mexico. “Obviously, we’re switching things up now that our first plans were leaked in such an egregious manner by the government,” explains Brother Krebs. “These areas are still marijuana, non-normal and masturbator hot zones so they will have to be dealt with at some point.”

Predictably, the U.S. Government has ignored all requests for comment on these developments from the media. Also, according to anonymous sources within Brother Lonnie’s organization, President Barack Obama is once again refusing to take phone calls from Brother Lonnie, like the useless President Clinton before him.

The U.S. Government is being tight-lipped about the alleged “training exercises” that now are using the exact same insertion and pressure points that B.L.U.F.F. labeled on their original map. The “official version” from the government is that the exercises, called Jade Helm 15, are routine and will not impact the civilians in the areas marked on the map. Conspiracy theorists on the internet are having a field day with ideas about what Obama is really up to. Some feel they are planning to “invade Texas” or institute “martial law” across the American Southwest.

While Brother Krebs has “no idea” what the U.S. Government is up to he laments the feared effects of this leak, “We were making really good progress acquiring land in Eastern Texas for the first ‘Masturbator Relocation Camps’, the hope is these “exercises” in the same area don’t disrupt Brother Lonnie’s plans for Texas. I suppose only time will tell.”

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Lonnie Childs
6 years ago

Yankee. Hotel. Foxtrot. Praise!

6 years ago

I am glad this is the only map that was leaked. (I’m looking at you Canada)

Terp Travis
Terp Travis
6 years ago

You fellers jes try to by up Texas land. We’ll be waitin fer ya with guns loaded. We dun wan yur types roun here. We dun wan nobuddy cumin heer.

Bruce Danus
6 years ago

When we take over the Communist state of China, we will own all Asian imports, like Infiniti Cars, Bukkake whores, and nuclear bombs. Nobody likes Asians.

6 years ago

Oh good god please I dare you, step into the New England area and your asses will freeze so fast we don’t even have to call the cops saying that some crazy redneck conservatives are in front of our houses with guns.

Howard Demarco
Howard Demarco
6 years ago

President Obama borrowed his health care ideas from Bill Clinton and he could not even print IRS booklets. Of course he is going to take Lonnie’s maps instead of getting his own. Praying he won’t sell Camp David and “requisition” Lonnie’s compound instead.