Science

Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow in association with B.L.U.F.F. has confirmed that a new super strain of Ebola is passed to hosts through masturbation. The virus clings to the outer skin palettes and is launched airborne at the moment of masturbatory climactic release, becoming airborne and susceptible to transmission to anyone breathing in the tainted air.

The virus is strengthened by the humid and grimy climates common to the maturbationist’s environment. The virus is transferred to the hands by coughing and in turn, to the genitalia when self rape occurs.

When the subject tenses his or her pelvis in anticipation of masturbatory release, the virus becomes active, as petri dish studies have shown. As the mind and body is overcome by hand-to-shaft, or finger-to-button genitalia strokes, the virus, in insidious fashion, becomes ionically charged by the rush of warmth and blood to the private area. When the climatic pulses of release are spewed airborne after vigiorous self rape, the virus concurrently expands and disburses in the air creating a highly contagious cloud of masturbatory particulate matter that is infected with ebola.

It is suspected that the last outbreak of ebola in Western Africa is the result of the new self-rape super strain.

The scientists at the FfaBT plead with citizens to remain calm and restrain from self rape, especially if experiencing flu-like symptoms. Never diddle your pathetic around small children or cuddly animals. Prayer services for normals infected with the newest ebola super strain can be issued or paticipated with by tuning to channel 4.561-18 of the S.M.N. Prayer App, available for iPhones or Android.

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Luis
Luis
5 years ago

Ebola is transmitted through any bodily fluids, this is how the virus has been since we discovered it, the virus isn’t strengthened through grimy areas a bacteria or fungi would be. Masturbation isn’t self rape it’s consensual pleasure, it is also a healthy activity for your body. The so called super strain is due to genetic mutations that happen as the virus divides, it is changing essentially becoming harder to combat. Why would you say that “the virus is strengthened by the moulds and grimy environment of the common masturbationalist” this makes no sense, most people do masturbate and are… Read more »

Shane
Shane
5 years ago
Reply to  Luis

The irony in this comment is incredible 😀 You obviously don’t have a brain because this entire article is deeply satirical. Anyone with only half a brain would have realised this after reading the first sentence. For F@#$ sakes he even mentions the word BLUFF in the first sentence…

Masterdebator
Masterdebator
5 years ago

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life. And I’ve read the bible.

Link
Link
5 years ago

HAHAHAHAHHAH

Damn internet.

Muhammad
Muhammad
5 years ago

SUBMIT TO ALLAH

What the actual fuck
What the actual fuck
5 years ago

Pray for satan you christian bastards and he might save you from ebola…
Or i might just kill you for the fun of it

Science2
Science2
5 years ago

I gonna kill you with my majestic tasty love stick!

John Fapper
5 years ago

This page sucks, just as the article.