WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Popular foodlike product producer “Kraft ‘Foods’” issued a recall of it’s ‘Velveeta Cheese’ product after incredibly high levels of semen were detected. The semen level issue was found after several customer complaints of an incredibly bitter taste began to emerge via the manufacturer’s Facebook […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Just days after the unjustified removal of the Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage, a mysterious karmic retribution occurred as millions of international users of the netsite were unable to login and harass Lonvidians. Users across the globe were met with an error message on […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Professional wrestling Hall of Famer, Pete Rose, is seeking a “second chance” 25 years after being the first man banned from professional baseball for excessive masturbation. Rose recently admitted to his wrong doings for the first time ever after a confirmed visit to the […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) The lamestream media has recently made much todo about an incident in January 1961 where two hydrogen bombs fell out of a B-52. As expected, the state controlled media is only giving you part of the story. The “official version” states that the B-52 […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) American War Machine Patriot and National Hero Lt. Col. Oliver North took a shot at the host of a variety show, liberal Jon Stewart, while on his book tour. North, promoting his new book of faith facts, ‘Big Masturbation’s Lies’, let loose condemning Stewart as […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) An unnamed source that claims to have infiltrated into the shady Big Masturbation organization has asserted that the group plans to use “crisis actors” to derail discussion on the newly christened Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage. For the uninitiated, ‘crisis actors’ are hired guns […]
As a devout Lonvidian, I take my religion seriously and regularly attend a Sunday afternoon prayer group. After the prayers are finished, the group either heads to the local cineplex or to the church auditorium to watch one of many documentary films to teach us new things about our faith. […]
FITZROY CROSSING, AUSTRALIA — (SMNNN) A group of children loyal to the growing “Stop Masturbation Now, Australia!” movement took over a radio station in Fitzroy Crossing last week. The gang of children, aged 6 to 11, who refer to themselves as “Childs Youth” in a nod to our savior, Lonnie […]
Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation […]
CANNES, FREEDOM — (SMNNN) Hollywood slave “Leonardo DiCaprio”, probably best known for his role as the titular Private Ryan in ‘Saving Private Ryan’, snubbed recently baptized and confirmed Lonvidian, Justin Bieber, over the weekend. Bieber, now operating on behalf of the Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, was on a conversion and […]
