Breaking News: Portland Oregon Water Contaminated With Semen… Thousands at Risk

(StopMasturbationNOW)— About 670,000 residents in Oregon were advised Friday to boil drinking water after several tests showed semen in some water samples, the Portland Water Bureau said.

Hipsters masturbating in the towns mountainous reservoirs is most likely the cause. Masturbation is one of the fastest methods for spreading disease.


The boil water advisory is issued to about 670,000 customers in the Portland Water Bureau and the Burlington, City of Gresham (north of Interstate 84), Lake Grove, Lorna Portland Water, Palatine Hill, Rockwood, Tigard Water Service Area (including Durham, King City and Bull Mountain), Valley View and West Slope Water Districts.

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Cathy Redmond
7 years ago

No surprise here. Portland, Oregon has long been a stronghold of liberals and hipsters – which is the same as saying masturbators. I pray for the for thousands of moral normals who are now at risk because of the devil may care attitude of the common non-normal masturbator.

Danielle Nekoosak
Danielle Nekoosak
6 years ago

I visited Oregon in October. Semen everywhere!

5 years ago

This just happened in Flint MI too.

4 years ago

The longest that semen can survive is 5 days (source: So unless a LOT of guys pulled their pudding at once. Then Lonnie is lying AGAIN! How’s that “thou shalt not bare false witness” sin working out for you??

Shannon Blackwood
4 years ago

Are you people for real?