Declare your Independence from The Sin of Masturbation

By: TheRev Leroy Jenkins

Miami, FL. In 2004 most people had given up on Fanny Diddle, homeless, destitute, addicted to pot-weed injections, doing bong hits of ellis dee, listening to Nickelback, and self raping for Snow Mexican Tourist on South Beach. She was a lost cause and written off by society.

She was barely 3 years out of Spiro Agnew High School in Fort Wayne, Indiana and her life had become a living hell. In 2001 she was a wide eyed innocent freshman attending classes at Wellesley College and was out to leave her mark upon the world. That is until that fateful day that she took her first Women’s Studies Class, pretty soon she her young mind fell victim to the baseless rhetoric of women’s equality, the patriarchy society, and the myth of the female orgasm even if there are tons of examples of women having earth-shattering orgasms at websites similar to porn7.xxx.

Encouraged by her Birkenstock wearing, Melissa Etheridge listening, false rape culture screaming feminist sisters to try masturbation. At first she didn’t feel anything but shame, guilt, and fear. But her feminist sisters kept encouraging her and insisting that she needs to own her orgasm, but it was fruitless, she felt nothing. Her pursuit of the mythical female orgasm lead her to try injecting the pot weed to enhance the experience, but alas she felt nothing in her genitals and was tweaking for her next injection.

Soon her grades suffered, she was skipping classes to chase her next tweaking high, masturbating with rubber dinguses dozens of times a day, and listening to Nickelback on her Samsung iPod. Then it hit, she was speeding and in full tweak mode, her mind running a million miles an hour, she found herself protesting the local Kwikee Mart for promoting the rape culture by selling Biggie Size Slurpees. She was out of control, she had rubber dinguses in every orifice, quit shaving her legs, and hadn’t slept for days, one of her feminist sisters gave her a bong hit of ellis dee to bring her down. Finally she could relax, she felt fine and at peace with the world, and she believed that finally this new drug will help her masturbations lead to the female orgasms. She dropped out of school

Fanny now found herself homeless, she turned her back on her Normal Christian Family, she used up all of her friends in her pursuit of the female orgasm and was masturbating for truck drivers in exchange for a ride to South Beach Miami. By the time she arrived she was barely that same wide eyed freshman out to leave her mark upon the world. She quit shaving her armpits, she was addicted to tweaking on the pot weed and mellowing out on the ellis dee bong, she spent her days on the streets holding a hand made cardboard sign saying “Will jibber or food” It was an endless cycle of Snow Mexican Tourist taking their picture with the Masturbating American Feminist and chasing that next high. Her life was useless.

On July 4th, 2004 Fanny almost died from a pot weed overdose, Lonnie Childs found her limp lifeless body under a bush at Arby’s, he lady parts were bruised and swollen, the track marks on her arms were infect from sharing pot weed needles with homeless Mexicans, and she wished for death. It was a sight that Lonnie had seen hundreds of times in his life, he took her into his van, laid hands upon her, and forcefully injected his firm holy shaft of salvation into every empty void in her soul, he filled those voids with the warm sticky goodness of the truth, Masturbation is the root of all evil, and when Fanny awoke she was filled with his Holy Spirit oozing out of her. She new what she had to do.

Fanny now filled with new hope and her new found salvation went to the nearest Miami Metro Subway station and laid her arms across the track and waited. She knew that she must take this drastic step if she was going to declare this her independence day from Masturbation. The subway came and she screamed in holy ecstasy as she was released from her sins forever.

Today is her 10 year anniversary of her personal independence day. She is now happily married to a youth minister, she is raising 3 healthy normal white children, and finds true happiness in being a happy homemaker for her family. She realizes that feminism, the female orgasm, Nickelback, the pot-weed injections, and the ellis dee bong hits are just tools of Satan and the liberals to enslave women and to steal their souls. Her case is sad, the steps she took were drastic, but in the war against Masturbation, there must be casualties.

Let this 4th of July be your personal independence day from the sin of Self-Rape.

God Bless The USA,

TheRev Leroy Jenkins

TheRev Leory Jenkins is a Sr. Staff Writer for BLUFF Press, LLC.

785-274-0325 or TheRev@bluff.us.edu