Foreigners / Morals / Science / Weather

Masturbation-Feuled Flaming Gas Crater Intensifies

Turkmenistan- (SMNNN)

In the backward and primitive sand covered land of Turkmenistan, the Portal To Hell, a large super-natural fire filled hole in the ground, powered by the Earth’s release of natural gas, and God’s rage, has increased by 27% in intensity since last year. Faithscientists place the blame squarely on masturbation.

The Portal To Hell formed in 1971, at the height of the Communist Gayosexual Hippie Masturbation Revolution, wherein global Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFP) were at a historical high. The MRFP are believed to have both increased pressure in the lower layers of the Earth, known as “The Hells”, and angered Jesus, and therefore, God as well, creating a fiery hole in the ground.  Those same MRFP are believed to be agitating the Portal To Hell today. Many similar holes in the ground have been proven to be caused by the environmental damage of masturbation, but the Portal to Hell is believed to be the only one that is currently perpetually on fire.

B.L.U.F.F. Faithscientists warn that similar masturbation holes could burst into flames at any moment. Says Dr Skippy Enis, ” Sure, well, one is already on fire. It’s really only a matter of time before the rest are. Y’know, because of masturbators. ”

The Portal To Hell has increased in fire-intensity by 31% , and over 6% in concentrated guilty evil, in the last two years

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Michael O'Neil
7 years ago

Shame on the Non Normals !!

Tide
5 years ago
Reply to  Michael O'Neil

You people are literally insane. You believe in no science what so ever. I am religious but you people are absolutely insane. I feel bad for you. You are surrounded by stupidity

CreeperFino
CreeperFino
3 years ago
Reply to  Tide

This site is satirical btw

Truffle
7 years ago

Can’t we just round up the masturbators and throw them in?

Sister Connie Ling-Huis

Yet another example of how Communism and the Masturbation-Industrial Complex conspire to rob us of our Lonnie-fearing rights of gun ownership and celibacy. I pray hard that HeadSoviet Vladmir Pukin will sink into this vat of hellfire orgy and SinStick massaging.

Ian
Ian
4 years ago

There is a Masturbation-Industrial Complex??? Where? Asking for a friend.

me
me
7 years ago

omg :))) are you for real??????!!!! I haven’t laughed this much in ages :))))

Nikita Shalavin
7 years ago

I for one, believe in Mr. Putin ability to lead us through this crisis. It’s only a matter of time before he invades Turkmenistan to rid us off Muslamics and the Gays, once and for all.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he figures out a way to use the fires of Hell as a natural resource and have a sit down with Satan to negotiate the terms of his surrender.

augustweisz
Admin
7 years ago

Foreigners are the reason the earth is no longer a Garden of Eden.

Cathy Redmond
7 years ago

I think you are right and that is the most well known thing in Turkmenistan. That is until the American War Machine finally “officially” acknowledges their forward operating base there.

Praise.

fapfapfapfapfap
fapfapfapfapfap
7 years ago

Hahaha you people are impressively stupid if you believe this bullshit. This is caused by Soviets who went to the region in 1971 because of the promise of fruitful oil fields. When they built an oil rig over this site the ground collapsed and lots of methane gas was being released. Fearing the safety of nearby villages, they set the hole on fire in hopes of burning off the toxic gases and hoped it would burn out in a matter of weeks but to everyones surprise it has burned for over 40 years due to the sheer amount of gases… Read more »

Sister Connie Ling-Huis

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, my friend. Your masturbation-addled brain is most certainly leading you astray.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

You have masturbation rage! Praying now!

VengeanceIsMine
VengeanceIsMine
4 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

To the tune of “London Bridge”: Lonnie Childs he tosses off,tosses off,tosses off,Lonnie Childs he tosses off,ten times daily

fapfapfapfapfap
fapfapfapfapfap
7 years ago

No, your crazy ass source “Lonnie” is leading you astray with his bullshit, and I dont have to masturbate, my wife and I have amazing sex daily. Nice try though, that was a cute response.

Pastor Date
Pastor Date
7 years ago

This poor soul has been afflicted by the masterrbation epademic so feercly he feels anger towards his own blindnes and misinformation orcastrated by the masterrbation-industrial group I know I will pray for his poor soul

fapping is against our lord
fapping is against our lord
7 years ago

I accidentally masturbated while reading this article. I hope that didn’t make matters worse. I will go repent now.

fapfapfapfapfap
fapfapfapfapfap
7 years ago

Yes, I masturbate regularly and shoot a gushing load of cum all over the cover of the bible. I also like to rape my own asshole with crosses. It makes me feel at one with God.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

“Yawn”. No one is shocked by your porno talk, masturbator.

Satan
Satan
7 years ago

This is the funniest and scariest website I’ve ever encountered. Keep it up. You guys are hilarious.

Dicky mc jerkacock
Dicky mc jerkacock
7 years ago

You meen the methane mine that the KGB blew up in 1964?

really?
really?
5 years ago

(

john smith
7 years ago

“Faithscientist” lol…… what is a Faithscientist? a scientist that come ups with a hypothesis based on an observation and then believes to be true without any testing?

The Devil
The Devil
5 years ago

I pray that you keep posting on this website cause I really need more to laugh at. God has told the pope of San FranFapio that I need more laughter and that can come from here
Amen your stupid brains…

((?))
5 years ago

Don’t tell me people actually believe this fake ass article. This hole was not created by masturbators, but a methane mine which exploded somewhere around 1964.
Masturbation in no way can create a great, burning hole like this. And there’s no way that it can make it intensify! I wouldn’t put your trust in those “Faithscientists” if I were you.
I believe in God and have accepted him as my lord and savior. But this article is just a mockery of him tbh.

Have a good day ?

really?
really?
5 years ago

Did someone masturbate on something electric and short it out, causing the methane mine to explode? That would be the only exlpanation.

Child of Lonnie
Child of Lonnie
5 years ago

FapFap, I’ve lived a long time and seen many like you. Big talk but no real action. Probably a pencil dick that is married to a rubber blow-up doll. And Really( Capt. Obvious), that is exactly what happened.Do you see an oil rig there? This was once the site of a huge non-normal masturbatorium and a large “catch basin” of semen was up-ended in the climactic finale of an annual masturbation festival and spilled onto a large sex toy recharging unit and caused a short, in turn sparking the methane, which burns to this day. Many lives were lost. Praise.

callmedaddy
callmedaddy
5 years ago

The fire is made of the jizz of satan

Jake, A MAN OF GOD!
Jake, A MAN OF GOD!
4 years ago

Hi, I recently felt the forces of Satan Himself gravitating my hand and fingers towards my sinful and untrimmed genitals. The other night satan used my hand strangled the head of my own penis and my genitals became purple. What must i do? I know masturbation is a sin. Am I possessed?

Sincerely,

Help

Cain
Cain
4 years ago

Stop the hate, love your self!!!