By Nigel J. Covington III
Sex Expert
October 17, 2018
Dear Nigel,
I walked in on my daughter when she was masturbating the other day. I was shocked, but I said nothing — I simply left the room. I have not discussed this with her or with my wife since. I don’t want to overreact, but I feel it’s also wrong to pretend like nothing happened. What should I do?
By the way I’ve been a fan of your work for the last 10 years. I faithfully read your daily columns and have followed your work dating back to your days as editor-in-chief of the prestigious National Report. I generally agree with your views and know you’ll give me the straight scoop on how I should handle my daughter.
Rick J.
Miami, Fla.
Dear Dick in Miami,
I generally don’t reply to people who seek out my advice since I don’t write a fucking advice column! You’ll do well to keep that in mind. However on rare occasions I have published a few letters that I thought were so incredibly stupid that they merited being published just for laughs. Your email qualifies as one of the most stupidest I’ve read in awhile.
I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she’s spreading her legs for older men who have an abundance of cash.
Female masturbation promotes sexual promiscuity, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and dumpster babies no one wants. So let’s consider your inability as a father to do the right thing when you walked in on her.
PAID ADVERTISEMENT
You claim to have walked into your daughter’s bedroom during her hot, sizzling fisting session. You admit being “shocked” by the vile and vulgar display of Satan committing unspeakable acts on your once pure and innocent little girl’s sparsely covered love muffin!
As her father, you had the responsibility to immediately act to protect your little girl. But you were unprepared, and you walked out in shame. I’m shocked you did nothing with all the facts we know today about female masturbation.
And now you write me expecting me to tell you how to fix the problem. Dick, when you walked out you missed an opportunity to teach your little girl about the evils and dangers of female masturbation. You simply failed her as her father.
If it were my daughter; I’d kick her out of the family home to protect my family’s good Christian name. I might send her off to a distant nunnery and tell friends and neighbors that she was killed in some freak accident. Perhaps the good nuns might save her from a life on the street and keep her from blowing homeless guys just for a hit off their bottle on cold nights while she’s sleeping under a bridge somewhere.
Mother Explains The Evils of Masturbation to Her Daughter After She was Caught Masturbating!
I’m sure if you’re a fan that you already know I’m a big celebrity in the No Fap Movement. If I discovered my little girl touching herself inappropriately, I would take my belt to her behind and quote scripture to her from the King Lonald Bible while smacking the evil out of her.
Next I’d ship her butt out to Safford, Arizona and enroll her in the Stop Masturbation Now Program for Wayward Sluts located on the BLUFF University campus.
Stop Masturbation Now is a highly rated and very successful program that transforms young troubled girls into proper Christian women who no longer have any urge to violate themselves.
Good luck loser,
Respectfully,
Nigel Covington,
Publisher of The Covington Report
For more information visit the Stop Masturbation Now website at www.stopmasturbationnow.org
“Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst; every other species of tyranny is limited to the world we live in; but this attempts to stride beyond the grave, and seeks to pursue us into eternity.”
This website is so fake, My computer and phone both agree with me,It is a scam to make people stop masturbating and is annoying, people should have the right to freely touch themselves in any way they would like.
This whole shitshow of a website is satire dumbasses.. all you lames against masturbation are weird asf idk anyone who hasnt jacked off/fingered themselves. theres nothing scientifically wrong with fucking urself. and how tf does one self rape? when i beat my meat i give consent. or when me and my FWB fuck we give consent. christian “science” makes no fucking sense. lmaoo
Filthy masturbator! I pray that you see the error of your ways. It makes me terribly sad to read comments people like you post. Jesus loves all, but hates self-rapists! Praying at you.
Hey their, i am God and I like to thank you for all you do for me. Actually the only worthy punishment for female masturbation would be, to get raped by their own father. Go for it. I will be watching over you. And if I like what i see, I might allow you to suck my cock when we meet in heaven.
Sincerely
Your God
Lmao i caught my dog fucking my daughter, does that mean she’s bilingual?
Lolol
Unfortunately, this does mean that your daughter is bilingual and will no longer be able to eat vegetals.
None of this is true, to say that masturbation promotes promiscuity and unwanted pregnancy is wrong and potentially damaging to the human psyche. Masturbation is a normal part of life and promotes self understanding, sexual maturity, and curiousity. Not to mention to imply that having this man’s daughter have sex with older men is disgusting and unwarranted. This was someone who, as they said, has been reading your articles for awhile. I don’t understand your hostility to him, he did nothing wrong. Had he attempted to stop her he wouldvew caused an uncomfortable situation to become potentially scarring. I will… Read more »
Masturbation is the cheapest form of contraception to (hu)man ! Saves a fortune on condoms, Dutch caps on girls who have to have a doctor’s fingers up her vagina as far as her cervix to fit the cap. These are expensive and each girl’s vulva is different in effect bespoke Dutch Cap needs to be made. As she grows she will need a new cap each year. Condoms are known to slip off and leak the sperm and semen to make the girl have babies against her will; mutual masturbation will stop this risk of pregnancy so what’s the problem.… Read more »
Josef,
God people like you make me sick! Justifying masturbation is one thing but you crossed a line by trying to justify abnormal, deviant behavior in children who touch themselves in their dangerous sin zones expecting some kind of sick, twisted pleasure. You’re the reason this planet is a ‘cesspool’ and our children are growing up to be selfish little masturbators. Praying at you Josef.
I really, truly hope that the father didn’t follow any of your absurd advice. You say she is sick, and yet you claim you would beat your own child raw if you ever caught them masturbating. This is why Christianity is being rejected by youth; sick, twisted, violent pieces of shit such as yourself, Nigel. You are part of the reason all three Abrahamic beliefs are quickly being hated by Generation Z, and left quite a sour taste in the mouths of Millennials.
Should have bought the anti masturbation cross and a whip. Excellent discipline.
Keep working –and preaching– in God’s name. Our children need more people like you, Mr. Covington.
If we ever want to make America great again, we need to make it return to the Christian values of our Founding Fathers. Or we will become a nation of sodomites, soyboys, boipussies, ready to be sodomized by any infidel that walks in our beloved country.
Amen.
this bitch gay
Agreed
r/Woooosh
r/ihavereddit
What the fuck do you people actually believe this shit? Or is all of this just a meme?
I hope this is just a meme because this is horse shit
I seriously hope this is a joke
It better be
Au fond, à bien y réfléchir, et qu’on regarde les choses en face, on s’en branle complètement.
Ouais, putain bon ami!
Ouais, putain. Bon ami!
Hola hola espanol my pp is stiffy la lmao
praying against rick j real hard rn
I’ll fix it for her
Most sexual offences are committed by priests, BTFW (thats by the fucking way BTW) motherfuckerrrrs
This is some kind of sick joke right? This cant be real
Im laughing so much right now
I masturbated while reading this, thanks for getting me turned on for a sizzling fisting session, Nigel.
same
I know.. this was the most SEXY and HOT thing I’ve ever seen… I came so hard that my room’s wall became white for the rest of the day.. So good…
Is this legit… Like, is this website serious or is it all just satire?
its satire, no need to worry.
Like everything else on this site. This story is a LIE. I’ll bet Nigel Covington w***s himself off, 3 times daily
Actual MADLAD right there!
God send me some good bitches cuz ya boy aint been getting no pussy
damn its almost like masturbating is good for your health, yknow, not having prostate cancer is good for men, but I bet you people didn’t know that 🙂
Its like its my body and boomers are making me want to turn atheist more and more, crazy right
“I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she’s spreading her legs for older men who have an abundance of cash.” How the fuck did you reach that conclusion? That is something a mentally ill elementary student would say. “If your son is skateboarding i bet he’s already griding on cocks, and drag racing through orphanages” I can tell you right now that masturbation doesn’t promote sex, if that was the… Read more »
“I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex?”
yall i wiped after using the bathroom and now i like girls what do i do
i like ur username.
its fucking gold.
guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis
Guys, it’s a satire page, just a joke poking fun at Christians who think masturbation and premarital sex is a sin. Which is hilarious because back when I was a junkie prostitute, my main client was an older Catholic man who sang in the choir and worked with the youth in the church. He paid me $100 an hour plus a 2mg Dilaudid and a pack of smokes. Worth it at the time. Now I just do it myself. ? But seriously, no one is this fucking retarded to write these articles for anything but humor. But with everything going… Read more »
the israeli mossad destroyed the towers on 9/11
I masturbated to this.
This is the best joke I’ve ever seen. Keep it up guys! One day everyone will be jacking it daily thanks to your hilarious and satirical posts, and we will finally disregard the futility of religion! Thank you for your AMAZING work! Have a lovely day 🙂
Carmen Sandiego is the hottest shit I’ve ever seen smh. I fap all day and all night with my buds abt it so we have a fap fest over this bitch sksksksksksks ????
to whomever wrote this article- i wonder how it feels to be a violent, sexist man. u cant deny it because you literally talked about how u would beat ur daughter if u walked in on her touching herself! you’re probably a rapist or smtng lmao
if this is satire its rlly funny but maybe make jt a little more obvious
im a gay jew, does that make me a sinner?
How the hell is masturbation in and of itself a sin? Sure, pornography is, but masturbation without pornography? I don’t understand.
How the hell is masturbation in and of itself a sin? Sure, pornography is, but masturbation without pornography?
Masturbation is causing demise of the West. All Masturbators should be executed as a traitors of white race.
Amen brother
Ok, Boomer
This was a horrible act done by the father. I am praying for the child. I hope she overcomes such horrid upbringing.
Ok, Boomer
🙂
Wtf did I find…..
You are completly fool !!!
It’s dangerous for children to prohibided masturbation.
You make psychopath children
My friend recently walked in on his daughter and caught her masturbating with a carrot. He started yelling at her “What the hell are you doing? I was going to eat that! And now it’s going to taste like carrot!!!”
I have literally no idea how people could not know that this is satire
I sucked dick on accident