Family Values / Morals / Science / Self-Rape Prevention

Shameful Dad Walks in on His Daughter Masturbating and Does Nothing to Help Her!

By Nigel J. Covington III

Sex Expert

October 17, 2018

Dear Nigel,

I walked in on my daughter when she was masturbating the other day. I was shocked, but I said nothing — I simply left the room. I have not discussed this with her or with my wife since. I don’t want to overreact, but I feel it’s also wrong to pretend like nothing happened. What should I do?

By the way I’ve been a fan of your work for the last 10 years. I faithfully read your daily columns and have followed your work dating back to your days as editor-in-chief of the prestigious National Report. I generally agree with your views and know you’ll give me the straight scoop on how I should handle my daughter.

Rick J.

Miami, Fla.

Dear Dick in Miami,

I generally don’t reply to people who seek out my advice since I don’t write a fucking advice column!  You’ll do well to keep that in mind.  However on rare occasions I have published a few letters that I thought were so incredibly stupid that they merited being published just for laughs.  Your email qualifies as one of the most stupidest I’ve read in awhile.

I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex?  It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she’s spreading her legs for older men who have an abundance of cash.

Female masturbation promotes sexual promiscuity, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and dumpster babies no one wants.  So let’s consider your inability as a father to do the right thing when you walked in on her.

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

You claim to have walked into your daughter’s bedroom during her hot, sizzling fisting session.  You admit being “shocked” by the vile and vulgar display of Satan committing unspeakable acts on your once pure and innocent little girl’s sparsely covered love muffin!

As her father, you had the responsibility to immediately act to protect your little girl.  But you were unprepared, and you walked out in shame.  I’m shocked you did nothing with all the facts we know today about female masturbation.

And now you write me expecting me to tell you how to fix the problem.  Dick, when you walked out you missed an opportunity to teach your little girl about the evils and dangers of female masturbation.  You simply failed her as her father.

If it were my daughter; I’d kick her out of the family home to protect my family’s good Christian name.  I might send her off to a distant nunnery and tell friends and neighbors that she was killed in some freak accident.  Perhaps the good nuns might save her from a life on the street and keep her from blowing homeless guys just for a hit off their bottle on cold nights while she’s sleeping under a bridge somewhere.

Mother Explains The Evils of Masturbation to Her Daughter After She was Caught Masturbating!

I’m sure if you’re a fan that you already know I’m a big celebrity in the No Fap Movement.  If I discovered my little girl touching herself inappropriately, I would take my belt to her behind and quote scripture to her from the King Lonald Bible while smacking the evil out of her.

Next I’d ship her butt out to Safford, Arizona and enroll her in the Stop Masturbation Now Program for Wayward Sluts located on the BLUFF University campus.

Stop Masturbation Now is a highly rated and very successful program that transforms young troubled girls into proper Christian women who no longer have any urge to violate themselves.

Good luck loser,

Respectfully,

Nigel Covington,

Publisher of The Covington Report

For more information visit the Stop Masturbation Now website at www.stopmasturbationnow.org

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Thomas Paine
Thomas Paine
1 year ago

“Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst; every other species of tyranny is limited to the world we live in; but this attempts to stride beyond the grave, and seeks to pursue us into eternity.”

Angry Commenter
Angry Commenter
1 year ago
Reply to  Thomas Paine

This website is so fake, My computer and phone both agree with me,It is a scam to make people stop masturbating and is annoying, people should have the right to freely touch themselves in any way they would like.

Big Cock
1 year ago
Reply to  Thomas Paine

This whole shitshow of a website is satire dumbasses.. all you lames against masturbation are weird asf idk anyone who hasnt jacked off/fingered themselves. theres nothing scientifically wrong with fucking urself. and how tf does one self rape? when i beat my meat i give consent. or when me and my FWB fuck we give consent. christian “science” makes no fucking sense. lmaoo

Praise white Jesus!!!
Praise white Jesus!!!
9 months ago
Reply to  Big Cock

Filthy masturbator! I pray that you see the error of your ways. It makes me terribly sad to read comments people like you post. Jesus loves all, but hates self-rapists! Praying at you.

God
God
8 months ago

Hey their, i am God and I like to thank you for all you do for me. Actually the only worthy punishment for female masturbation would be, to get raped by their own father. Go for it. I will be watching over you. And if I like what i see, I might allow you to suck my cock when we meet in heaven.
Sincerely
Your God

Masterbaiter
Masterbaiter
1 year ago

Lmao i caught my dog fucking my daughter, does that mean she’s bilingual?

I did the Hawaiian False Missile Alarm
I did the Hawaiian False Missile Alarm
1 year ago
Reply to  Masterbaiter

Lolol

Millennial
Millennial
1 year ago
Reply to  Masterbaiter

Unfortunately, this does mean that your daughter is bilingual and will no longer be able to eat vegetals.

Josef
Josef
1 year ago

None of this is true, to say that masturbation promotes promiscuity and unwanted pregnancy is wrong and potentially damaging to the human psyche. Masturbation is a normal part of life and promotes self understanding, sexual maturity, and curiousity. Not to mention to imply that having this man’s daughter have sex with older men is disgusting and unwarranted. This was someone who, as they said, has been reading your articles for awhile. I don’t understand your hostility to him, he did nothing wrong. Had he attempted to stop her he wouldvew caused an uncomfortable situation to become potentially scarring. I will… Read more »

Chris R
Chris R
1 year ago
Reply to  Josef

Masturbation is the cheapest form of contraception to (hu)man ! Saves a fortune on condoms, Dutch caps on girls who have to have a doctor’s fingers up her vagina as far as her cervix to fit the cap. These are expensive and each girl’s vulva is different in effect bespoke Dutch Cap needs to be made. As she grows she will need a new cap each year. Condoms are known to slip off and leak the sperm and semen to make the girl have babies against her will; mutual masturbation will stop this risk of pregnancy so what’s the problem.… Read more »

Nigel.Covington
6 months ago
Reply to  Josef

Josef,
God people like you make me sick! Justifying masturbation is one thing but you crossed a line by trying to justify abnormal, deviant behavior in children who touch themselves in their dangerous sin zones expecting some kind of sick, twisted pleasure. You’re the reason this planet is a ‘cesspool’ and our children are growing up to be selfish little masturbators. Praying at you Josef.

I did the Hawaiian False Missile Alarm
I did the Hawaiian False Missile Alarm
1 year ago

I really, truly hope that the father didn’t follow any of your absurd advice. You say she is sick, and yet you claim you would beat your own child raw if you ever caught them masturbating. This is why Christianity is being rejected by youth; sick, twisted, violent pieces of shit such as yourself, Nigel. You are part of the reason all three Abrahamic beliefs are quickly being hated by Generation Z, and left quite a sour taste in the mouths of Millennials.

A god fearing man
A god fearing man
1 year ago

Should have bought the anti masturbation cross and a whip. Excellent discipline.

A God Fearing Woman
A God Fearing Woman
1 year ago

Keep working –and preaching– in God’s name. Our children need more people like you, Mr. Covington.
If we ever want to make America great again, we need to make it return to the Christian values of our Founding Fathers. Or we will become a nation of sodomites, soyboys, boipussies, ready to be sodomized by any infidel that walks in our beloved country.
Amen.

GayFaggotDickLover69
GayFaggotDickLover69
1 year ago

this bitch gay

ZombXGaming
ZombXGaming
11 months ago

Agreed

Get woosged
Get woosged
1 year ago

r/Woooosh

Literally just a pineapple
Literally just a pineapple
1 year ago
Reply to  Get woosged

r/ihavereddit

oof
oof
1 year ago

What the fuck do you people actually believe this shit? Or is all of this just a meme?

Thisshitisstupid
1 year ago
Reply to  oof

I hope this is just a meme because this is horse shit

howtolookstupid
1 year ago

I seriously hope this is a joke

ZombXGaming
ZombXGaming
11 months ago

It better be

louis XVI
louis XVI
1 year ago

Au fond, à bien y réfléchir, et qu’on regarde les choses en face, on s’en branle complètement.

Thomas Paine
Thomas Paine
1 year ago
Reply to  louis XVI

Ouais, putain bon ami!

Thomas Paine
Thomas Paine
1 year ago
Reply to  louis XVI

Ouais, putain. Bon ami!

Millennial
Millennial
1 year ago
Reply to  louis XVI

Hola hola espanol my pp is stiffy la lmao

yung landover mane
yung landover mane
1 year ago

praying against rick j real hard rn

Jimmy Saville
Jimmy Saville
1 year ago

I’ll fix it for her

Atheist, bisexual, masturbating english person who fucked all the mothers of the crazy christens from texas on this fucking website (fuck you)
Atheist, bisexual, masturbating english person who fucked all the mothers of the crazy christens from texas on this fucking website (fuck you)
1 year ago

Most sexual offences are committed by priests, BTFW (thats by the fucking way BTW) motherfuckerrrrs

Master of Bating
Master of Bating
1 year ago

This is some kind of sick joke right? This cant be real

Hahabson
Hahabson
1 year ago

Im laughing so much right now

Antoinette
1 year ago

I masturbated while reading this, thanks for getting me turned on for a sizzling fisting session, Nigel.

thefurryfromhell
1 year ago
Reply to  Antoinette

same

Little Whiny Bitch (fuck y'all) who masturbates to everything on this god forsaken sexy website and gets turned on by every single comment and is currently orgasming right now
Reply to  Antoinette

I know.. this was the most SEXY and HOT thing I’ve ever seen… I came so hard that my room’s wall became white for the rest of the day.. So good…

Ali-A
1 year ago

Is this legit… Like, is this website serious or is it all just satire?

thefurryfromhell
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali-A

its satire, no need to worry.

VengeanceIsMine
VengeanceIsMine
1 year ago

Like everything else on this site. This story is a LIE. I’ll bet Nigel Covington w***s himself off, 3 times daily

WillyBilly
WillyBilly
1 year ago

Actual MADLAD right there!

XD
XD
1 year ago

God send me some good bitches cuz ya boy aint been getting no pussy

GayFaggotDickLover69
GayFaggotDickLover69
1 year ago

damn its almost like masturbating is good for your health, yknow, not having prostate cancer is good for men, but I bet you people didn’t know that 🙂

ZombXGaming
ZombXGaming
11 months ago

Its like its my body and boomers are making me want to turn atheist more and more, crazy right

ChristiansAreRetarded.
ChristiansAreRetarded.
1 year ago

“I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn she’s spreading her legs for older men who have an abundance of cash.” How the fuck did you reach that conclusion? That is something a mentally ill elementary student would say. “If your son is skateboarding i bet he’s already griding on cocks, and drag racing through orphanages” I can tell you right now that masturbation doesn’t promote sex, if that was the… Read more »

??
??
1 year ago

“I don’t know the age of your precious little peach but if she’s masturbating you can bet she’s already having sex with lots of her school aged peers, perhaps even homo-sex?”
yall i wiped after using the bathroom and now i like girls what do i do

thefurryfromhell
1 year ago

i like ur username.
its fucking gold.

Magnus
Magnus
1 year ago

guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis guacamole nigga penis

BoringMom
BoringMom
1 year ago

Guys, it’s a satire page, just a joke poking fun at Christians who think masturbation and premarital sex is a sin. Which is hilarious because back when I was a junkie prostitute, my main client was an older Catholic man who sang in the choir and worked with the youth in the church. He paid me $100 an hour plus a 2mg Dilaudid and a pack of smokes. Worth it at the time. Now I just do it myself. ? But seriously, no one is this fucking retarded to write these articles for anything but humor. But with everything going… Read more »

zionists are SATAN WORSHIPPERS

the israeli mossad destroyed the towers on 9/11

thefurryfromhell
1 year ago

I masturbated to this.

Guy who jacksitdaily
Guy who jacksitdaily
1 year ago

This is the best joke I’ve ever seen. Keep it up guys! One day everyone will be jacking it daily thanks to your hilarious and satirical posts, and we will finally disregard the futility of religion! Thank you for your AMAZING work! Have a lovely day 🙂

hOe dOe
hOe dOe
1 year ago

Carmen Sandiego is the hottest shit I’ve ever seen smh. I fap all day and all night with my buds abt it so we have a fap fest over this bitch sksksksksksks ????

a sane person like mostly everyone else in the comments
a sane person like mostly everyone else in the comments
1 year ago

to whomever wrote this article- i wonder how it feels to be a violent, sexist man. u cant deny it because you literally talked about how u would beat ur daughter if u walked in on her touching herself! you’re probably a rapist or smtng lmao

if this is satire its rlly funny but maybe make jt a little more obvious

im a gay jew, does that make me a sinner?

what
what
1 year ago

How the hell is masturbation in and of itself a sin? Sure, pornography is, but masturbation without pornography? I don’t understand.

Breakingjob
1 year ago

How the hell is masturbation in and of itself a sin? Sure, pornography is, but masturbation without pornography?

david puke
david puke
1 year ago

Masturbation is causing demise of the West. All Masturbators should be executed as a traitors of white race.

boarbarney
boarbarney
1 year ago
Reply to  david puke

Amen brother

ZombXGaming
ZombXGaming
11 months ago
Reply to  david puke

Ok, Boomer

Bobby Franks
Bobby Franks
1 year ago

This was a horrible act done by the father. I am praying for the child. I hope she overcomes such horrid upbringing.

ZombXGaming
ZombXGaming
11 months ago
Reply to  Bobby Franks

Ok, Boomer

elojob
1 year ago

🙂

Titty lover
Titty lover
10 months ago

Wtf did I find…..

Maxfri
Maxfri
8 months ago

You are completly fool !!!
It’s dangerous for children to prohibided masturbation.
You make psychopath children

Mr Carpenter (@MrCarpenter29a)

My friend recently walked in on his daughter and caught her masturbating with a carrot. He started yelling at her “What the hell are you doing? I was going to eat that! And now it’s going to taste like carrot!!!”