The Real Holocaust Happened in Your Pants Last Night

But even if Hitler’s Holocaust had happened as described, it would pale in comparison to the Holocaust that happens every morning in the car on the way to work, every afternoon in the public unisex toilet, and every evening all over your comforter and pillow. It’s worse than Pearl Harbor. It’s worse than 9/11. It’s even worse than abortion, if that were possible. These poor little fellas didn’t live long enough to get aborted! They never had the chance for their heads to be dashed against the rocks, as per the Psalmist’s blessed instructions.  Jesus said, “Whatever you do to the least of these my brothers and sisters (but mostly brothers), you have done unto me” (Matthew 25:40, KLV). This means that every time you kill an unborn sperm, you’re killing little baby tadpole Jesus. Would you shoot the Son of God out your shaft? Would you jettison Jesus out your jizzhole? Spermicide is genocide is deicide!

Some say that in cases of rape and incest, masturbation should be allowed. “Like, dude, I totally want to gang rape that chick, but instead I’ll just go home and masturbate to her instead.” WRONG. Not only are you still raping her in your heart – which Jesus tells us is just as bad – but you are raping yourself. Two rapes don’t make a right. More appalling still, you are using this as a justification for the murder of millions of souls, possibly billions. Why should innocent seed be spilled simply because you want to rape and incest some woman? For all you know, that sperm could have contained the cure for cancer and you just wadded it up in a tissue and flushed it down the toilet (which you’re not supposed to do anyway). Do you really want the blood of all cancer victims for hundreds of years to come on your semen-covered hands?  Others simply say that they have the right to do what they want with their bodies. Uhh, newsflash: there are upward of 1.2 billion other fully human bodies inside of your body — in one splooge stain alone! Definitive FaithScientific research has shown that each individual spermatozoa possesses a soul, a brain, a heart, can giggle and smile, knows calculus, and enjoys a deep personal relationship with his Heavenly Father. Do their lives matter less than yours? You microblog on the Tumblers about Men’s Rights, but what about the rights of these miniature men? The freedom to swing your fist ends where your penis begins.I often hear well-meaning, but misguided folks advocating adoption as a [marginally] less sinful alternative to vain emission. Leaving aside the fact that only one pretus (pre-fetus) in each batch will survive, the unintended consequences of sperm adoption are conveniently ignored. You may inadvertently be setting your pretus on the path to eternal destruction in your attempt to preserve his life.  I personally have stood in front of no fewer than dozens of Sperm Banks and protested loudly and proudly, shouting at shame-filled men at their lowest point as they walk through the doors to sell their future children to whatever unwed floozy wants them. Would you auction off your toddler to the highest bidder? These women are so physically unattractive that they actually have to pay for sperm. Imagine that!  Do you really want your DNA tainted by these cows? God gave that 100% human person to YOU to steward and raise to a mature man (or, God forbid, woman) in Christ. It is your responsibility to ensure that your sperm will find salvation once they turn 4 and are old enough to go to hell if they die without accepting Jesus into their hearts. If you don’t force-feed them the faith, who will?