Autopsy Concludes that Dead Race Driver Self-Raped and Hemp Bonged Before Deadly Race

Twenty-year old Kevin Ward, Jr. self-raped and hemp bonged shortly before throwing himself in front of noted anti-masturbation, white Christian warrior and NASCAR racing sensation Tony Stewart according to the recently released autopsy.  Amateur footage suggests that the young driver was masturbating during the race when God fearing Christian white American hero Tony Stewart gently nudged his car into the wall as he had noticed erratic driving patterns suggesting self-rape was taking place inside Ward’s car placing the other drivers in mortal danger.  Heterosexual, white alpha male Tony Stewart’s heroic actions saved his fellow drivers and temporarily saved the young rock and roller from himself until caught in the throes of masturbation and the pots rage, exited his car and ran onto the track with his hand out demanding money from the law abiding Tony Stewart so he could buy more the pots.  As a Romney supporter, STOP Masturbation NOW high elder Tony Stewart refused to give a handout so in desperation the young hemp bonger jumped onto Stewart’s car in a vain attempt to wash the windows for the pots money.  Despite NASCAR superstar Tony Stewart’s heroic and gravity defying efforts to avoid the masturaged racer, the semen slicked track reduced his maneuverability and cost the young dead head his life before he could finish washing the windows.

The following day future hall of famer, and Congressional Medal of Honor winner Tony Stewart with Brother Lonnie by his side for support, released a statement: “I’m just thankful there is one less self-raping, jam band fan on the road endangering our lives.  Now if only we could get rid of women drivers as well.  Praise!”