TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

A two-year study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow found that the TSA Backscatter Anti-Terrorist Scanners not only kept America safe but also reduced the urge to masturbate in those travelers zapped by the machines.

Faith Researcher and spokesman Paul Nelson explains, “We followed travelers that went through the Backscatter X-Ray scanners and those that went through the standard metal detectors at several U.S. airports. After tracking their masturbatory habits over a two-year period, we found that travelers exposed to the Backscatter machines masturbated 86% less and the travelers not exposed to the machines actually masturbated 98% more.”

Nelson added, “We find it interesting that just around the time last summer when we started making our findings known, the TSA removed the scanners from airports. Considering the current administration and known Big Masturbation influences in the Federal Government, it’s likely the effectiveness of these machines was counter-productive to special interests in Washington.”

The TSA started phasing these highly effective machines out of the nation’s airports in May 2013. While masturbation rates have continued to rise, we can only speculate that prayer alone has kept filthy non-normal terrorists from killing Americans.