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TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

A two-year study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow found that the TSA Backscatter Anti-Terrorist Scanners not only kept America safe but also reduced the urge to masturbate in those travelers zapped by the machines.

Faith Researcher and spokesman Paul Nelson explains, “We followed travelers that went through the Backscatter X-Ray scanners and those that went through the standard metal detectors at several U.S. airports. After tracking their masturbatory habits over a two-year period, we found that travelers exposed to the Backscatter machines masturbated 86% less and the travelers not exposed to the machines actually masturbated 98% more.”graph

graph-2Nelson added, “We find it interesting that just around the time last summer when we started making our findings known, the TSA removed the scanners from airports. Considering the current administration and known Big Masturbation influences in the Federal Government, it’s likely the effectiveness of these machines was counter-productive to special interests in Washington.”

The TSA started phasing these highly effective machines out of the nation’s airports in May 2013. While masturbation rates have continued to rise, we can only speculate that prayer alone has kept filthy non-normal terrorists from killing Americans.

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Cassidy Pen
7 years ago

Have we found out what exactly is in the “zap?”

Claire
Claire
7 years ago

I hate this site. It’s alot like christwire.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago
Reply to  Claire

Praise!

Dave Mustaine
Dave Mustaine
7 years ago

The Bible clearly indicates that Big Masturbation is trying to turn everyone into
chronic masturbators and homosexuals. Also, where the Scripture says ‘the mouse in the grove will shy away / the lion’s roar is as dust’ it means that the Obama administration is spying on Christians while trying to brainwash them with chemtrails and fluoride. The lion is the moral crusaders who are trying to protect gun owners from Big Masturbation, the mouse is the globalists and bankers who want to make us slaves to the New World Order. *crappy guitar solo*

clara
clara
7 years ago

Oh man. Thank God for the lulz on this site. This is the best comedy website I’ve seen XD

Truffle
7 years ago

Good news, at last!

Praise!

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

These faith stats are rock solid. Thanks for the report, Cath!