Hulk Hogan, American, Tries To Break Masturbation Record; Fails

Witnesses noted Hogan's hand seemed to be "swollen, discolored and putrid looking"

Hogan World Record Fail

TAMPA, FLA — (SMNNN) Former B movie actor (Muppets from Space, Wrestlemania III)  and current belt merchant, Hulk Hogan, received a severe injury to his hand after trying in vain to beat Hugo Lopez’s recent World Record for Masturbation. Hogan, 60, sometimes forgets he’s not the character, Hulk Hogan, that he played in the fictional movie Wrestlemania and it’s various sequels. In the Wrestlemania series of films, Hogan’s character fights for America against evil foreigners.

Hulk Hogan - Fatherly Duties
Family man, Hulk Hogan, doing his fatherly duties to his daughter just hours before his injury.

Hogan recorded a video in character as ‘Hulk Hogan’, now since deleted, in which he expressed his extreme disgust in a foreign land, like Argentina, laying claim to a record in what is “rightfully an American sport”. Hogan vowed to take the record “back for America and give us Americans something to be proud of again”. The ‘Hulk Hogan’ character typically professed his love for this Great Nation and also talked a great deal about saying prayers. So, while the character itself was admirable; Hogan’s actions in trying to break the world masturbation record were something no American should be proud of.

Hogan clearly did not realize what he was getting himself into by trying to challenge Lopez’s appalling feat of sin. A mere 11 minutes into his “record attempt”, Hogan started to complain about a “sharp, burning pain” on his sinning hand. The dozens of people watching him do the Devil’s Deed ignored him and kept cheering him on. Within 15 minutes, Hogan collapsed and fell to the ground twitching. Several witnesses noted his hand seemed to be “swollen, discolored and putrid looking”.

“I thought he was just in character and this was part of the show,” said witness Anthony Gonzalez. “He always would be all dramatic like that in his Wrestlemania show and then come back at the last minute and surprise us all. Today he just fell to the ground and his hand got all gross and s—, it was really f—ing disgusting, dawg.”

Hogan was rushed to a nearby medical facility where he was scolded for what he had done and was told there was no treatment for his masturbation caused injury. To his credit, Hogan immediately took to the worldwideweb and posted photos of his now deformed hand.

Hulk Hogan got off lucky. He can still technically use his hand. You may not be so fortunate.
Hulk Hogan got off lucky. He can still technically use his hand. You may not be so fortunate.

“Learn from my mistakes, little Hulkamaniacs. There are some things us Americans should leave to the rest of the world,” Hogan professed to his fans via MySpace. “I’m adding a fifth demandment now. Train, Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins, Believe In Yourself and Never Masturbate.”

Hogan previously had told his fans to live by his 3 demandments about training, prayers and vitamins. He added a fourth, believing in oneself, during the film ‘SummerSlam 1990’, where he fought the morbidly obese Snow Mexican villain, ‘Earthquake’.

Hogan went on to add that he was made aware of the Lonvidian Stop Masturbation Now movement while being judged by the staff at what turned out to be a Lonvidian sponsored medical facility.

“I used to enter buildings to my song ‘Real American’, but I think it’s time to change that. From now on, I am a Real Lonvidian, and I fight for the rights of normal men. Whatcha gonna do, Brother, when Lonnie Childs and the Hulkster run wild on you?”

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

12 Comments on Hulk Hogan, American, Tries To Break Masturbation Record; Fails

    • I really agree with you on this.

      It’s time that the Hulkster retired and quit these types of ridiculous publicity stunts. I’m kind of glad he suffered this heinous injury as it may drill some sense into him and his wife. One woman I truly despise is Sharon Osbourne and I can’t understand why he, The Hulk, married her?

      Anyway God Bless you Calbha and I hope you get to see the Hulks band, Black Sabbath soon.

      Take care

      Douglas. G. Pinnick

    • Yet more lies so much for “thou shalt not bare false witness” looks like you shower of lying wankers are going to triple hell

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