Family Values

The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to masturbation.

As good Christian parents we think about our children masturbating all the time and the ways in which to control the little heathens sinful urges. While the Anti-Masturbation Cross® is more hands on in its technique we have developed the Anti-Masturbation Underwear® for your child. When the child is placed in bed with the Underwear® for an evening of sin free rest, the alarm is armed so that any movement inside the underwear (such as a hand reaching for a sin stick or sin cave) alerts the parents that their child is on a pathway to Hell fire and brimstone unless immediate action takes place.

Being that Brother Lonnie has taken several general education online courses from Bob Jones University he is uniquely qualified to advise on how best to discipline your children. He finds that public humiliation such as that he experienced when caught self-raping to a picture of black pop singing sensation Tina Turner. Take your child to your local church and force him or her to confess to the congregation then take your child to their school so that they can confess to their peers as well. Finally, we recommend alerting the local police and having your child registered as a sex offender.

Through hard work, diligence and a little help from technology we can realize Brother Lonnie’s dream of a self-rape free America!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
30 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
7 years ago

FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!!

MASTURBATION4LIFEXDDXDXDXDXD
MASTURBATION4LIFEXDDXDXDXDXD
3 years ago
Reply to  Korean Jesus

Is this site a joke? cuz if they are serious, I think Im gonna hang myself. btw, christians are just shitty jews

Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
7 years ago

Hey Carlos I find your eyepatch really kinky, mentally raping you now!!!

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

A wonderful product! There’s nothing more important than saving our children from the scourge of self rape! Thank you for the report, Brother Carlos!

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

You can’t rape yourself, it’s physically impossible. And when last I looked rape isn’t enjoyable when masturbating is fucking amazing. If anything it’s a gift from God. I’m sorry you felt guilty masturbating as a teenager. And by the way you can’t mentally rape someone, that too is impossible thanks to imagination, you can imagine consensual sex fuck-tard. Lonnie Childs is a cultist, a racist, sexist, a bigot, and an all around terrible human being. And I’ll probably be told I’m possessed by the Devil, but since he and God don’t exist, not in the sense that Christians believe anyway… Read more »

sanj1235
4 years ago
Reply to  FUCK YOU

A good device, I hope it stops many children from masturbating, dry orgasms are extremely addictive, and can even lead to a child doing it 10-20 times a day, praying for a friend called Leon, who discovered it a 8, and his friend told me, from 13-15, he was so hooked, he used to masturbate up to 20 times a day- hope he has stopped, or cut down, as that is a serious deadly binge masturbation session.

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Korean jesus I think carlos’ eyepatch is sexy too. Read some of my other posts. I’ve been trying to get Carlos and Lonnie and Milton Grits together for a type of circle jerk where we touch each other’s sin sticks so that we aren’t self raping. I’ve also tried to involve Truffle who I have renamed Fluffle in the action as a fluffer for us in case we lose our erections andiI’ve invited Cathy Redmound to be the clean up bitch but no takers yet.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

jimmy, the only circles that are formed at the compound are prayer circles. In fact, we’re having one for you and your hardcore homosexual lover, Chinese Jesus, tonight. I have a feeling we will be be there a long time, unfortunately.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Err…NOT a compound. I meant to say campus, of course. We do not live in a compound. Thank you.

Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

I’m hosting a circle jerk tonight! I hope you can “cum” Lonnie!!!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago
Reply to  Korean Jesus

Can I come Korean Jesus?

Cathy Redmond
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

That was a very enlightening prayer circle last night, Brother Lonnie. We went at it all night long and worked up quite a sweat in the sweltering Arizona heat, but I feel we did some good in the end and it was worth it.

Praise.

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago
Reply to  Cathy Redmond

Cathy Redmound I’m going to FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!

Other Korean Jesus
6 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

What about a square Jerk?

Korean Jesus
Korean Jesus
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

I’d fap to that assisted circle jerk!!!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Oops sorry for the typo. I get so excited thinking about this that I have trouble typing on my phone!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Lonald your organization is just a front for the klu klux clan. And I’m going to be at the top of your prayer leaderboard soon. Stupid bitches!

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

FALSE. jimmy, who offers complementary skin bleaching to those cursed with non-normal skin? WE do, not the klan. Hope that clears things up. Though a masturbator like you will conveniently forget about that fact as you desperately try to link us to that racist organization.

Michael
Michael
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

YOU ARE A RACIST ORGANISATION YOU FUCKRAT SERIOUSLY CALLING PEOPLE NON NORMAL SKINNED IS RACIST FUCK UNCULTURED SWINE OFFERING SKIN BLEACHING LIKE SERIOUSLY LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU FAKE CHRISTIAN
I pray to god that he finds the strength to cure you from stupidity and ignorance of your own faults

Korean Judah
Korean Judah
7 years ago
Reply to  Carlos Danger

Brother Lonnie you seem like you madturbate everyday

Korean Judah
Korean Judah
7 years ago

You guys know this is so fucked up

Other Korean Jesus
6 years ago

The sin stick seems like a sex toy, so why are they keeping it in their pants.

Your mothers dick
6 years ago

Holy shit I’m going to jerk so hard tonight all night and praise Allah all night.

Your mothers dick
6 years ago

cucumber Check hand check picture of Jesus check shrine of Allah check lonnies mother also check ok I’m ready.

Pink Guy
Pink Guy
5 years ago

ey b0ss can I habe da pussi?

A masturbater
A masturbater
5 years ago

The product pictured above is a bed wetting alarm. I know because I bought one for my son.

The real cornholio
The real cornholio
4 years ago

It amazes me that there are people who don’t understand this site is a joke.