Masturbation Mythbusters: Medical Masturbation – The Dismal ScLIEnce


It is OK to let doctors masturbate me because scLIEnce says that I must allow them to smear my paps!

Status: B U S T E D!

Nice try ladies! This line of reasoning completely falls apart when one considers the findings of The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow, which clearly establishes that any mitigation of health outcomes attributed to medical masturbation fall well bellow the threshold for statistical significance. Moreover, it has been clearly demonstrated that petitioning for divine intervention yields tangibly better results!

The 2013 US sensus found that the most common single reason that any doctor enters the medical profession is to improperly molest Christian women by smearing their paps with semen and excrement. It has also been clearly demonstrated that medical and scLIEnce funding has strong links to the deep [and sticky] pockets of Big Masturbation!

In short, it can take as little as one trip to the doctor for a good Christian woman to let the Devil inside. “Medical professionals” have one-hundred and one different ways to violate a woman and smear her pap until she is a swooning mess, and yet they still do not possess a single viable treatment for the onset of homogayness. It does not require much in the way of critical thinking to realise just how fully both of these pertinent facts support the agenda of Big Masturbation. As an interesting aside, practising doctors have also been known to “immunise” children with experimental cocktails of drugs which can turn them into autistic vegetables, so the medical agenda is definitely not to be trusted.Visiting the GP is much like playing the Devil at dice: you may receive assistance, yet lose something far more precious along the way. Much better to entreat your local spiritual professional for divine intercession, as that will generally lead to better health outcomes anyway.

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Leonard Chimball
Leonard Chimball
8 years ago


Phillippe Rosenberg
8 years ago

Most insightful. No medical pap smears for this guy!

Cathy Redmond
8 years ago

Thanks for this great advice, Julian. I’ll be certain to pass this critical information on to all of my female colleagues and friends. Praise.

Blythe Danner
8 years ago

I am calling my doctor first thing in the morning and let him know, there will be no more bi-weekly appointments and SHAME on him for leading a lady astray in the name of medicine!