World

Masturbation Triggered Japasian Landslides

Untitled - CopyHIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow.

Although the communist government does not officially recognize private property in Japasia, a quick examination of the disaster area is enough to make estimates.

The unstable ground of Japasia’s Pacific RIm Island, along with the erosion caused by streams of semen rich runoff which fills local aquifers to the point of bursting contributed to the disaster. It is believed that the jerking motion of Japasian self-rapists created tremors which weakened areas already under masturbation alert, according to world anti-masturbation scientists. These tremors caused the landslides.

B.L.U.F.F. recognizes the Japasians as people of “non-normal” status, which elevates their risk of disaster, both spawned by nature and our Lord God in Heaven. Self-rape initiated disasters in Japasia date back to the days of sultans and samurai sword-play, when God provided witness and route information for Western influence in a crusade to rid the island nation of self rape. WW2 saw the emperor bring his own people to the brink of annihilation during his global “Rising Sin” quest to destroy the anti-masturbation West. And just a few years ago, a masturquake destroyed a nuclear energy facility and caused a massive semen dump into the Pacific Ocean when water filtration plants failed.

God clearly disapproves of Japasia’s long history of pro-masturbation. Just recently, Japasian Parliament decreed individual masturbation booths be erected throughout the most populated areas for citizens to play with themselves while in public.

B.L.U.F.F. officials call for a period of contemplation and mourns those Japasians who have taken Brother Lonnie’s SMN Pledge. Pray for their quick deliverance to God.

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// Cassidy Pen

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Truffle
7 years ago

Ornamentals make me sick!

Heisenberg
Heisenberg
7 years ago

You people are psychotic. What the hell is wrong with you?

Loki
Loki
7 years ago

Bahahahaha OMG you Christians are insanely fucking retarded…completely lost the fucking plot…. I am sharing this website everywhere throughout the Pagan community so everyone can laugh at you…..

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago
Reply to  Loki

Pagans masturbate more than any other religion besides Catholic. Praying at you sad souls now!

James
James
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Hey Lonnie, I’d be interested in where you get your figures from. Cos it’s sounds like you’re making them up… And not even very convincingly!

Lolno
Lolno
7 years ago
Reply to  Loki

HAHAHHAHAH hold up…Christians? no no lol i’m a christian an i’m convinced this page must be a joke xD dont loop all of in with these crazies

Lonnie Childs
Admin
7 years ago

I wonder how much “billions of yen” are worth in American money? $3.75 or so?

Michael
Michael
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Like you would know. I bet you haven’t even been to Asia *i don’t know what Japasia is so I am going to guess it’s either Japan of Asia* I hope god has the strength to stop you from being a bigot.
Praying at you, you bigoted weirdo

Samantha
Samantha
7 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

I buck 75

James
James
7 years ago
Reply to  Cassidy Pen

That’s funny because that’s what us trolls think of you, how would you go about working our who was wrong and who was right?

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Good one truffles “ornamentals” ha ha!

James
James
7 years ago
Reply to  Cassidy Pen

The bible also endorses slavery do you support that too?

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Oh and nice to see you lonnie. Have you read any of my other posts? Are you ready for the circle jerk? I have a boner just thinking about you and carlos danger dexter battgardensiii and maybe milton grits. We can all jerk each other’s sin stick and save each other from the sin of self rape. And who knows what we could do with our free hands? Maybe explore each other’s rectums? What do you say lonnie? I know you’ve been reading my posts!

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

Get a grip of yourself, you damn HomoGay savage! You’re in need of Brother Nikitas, electroshock therapy and possibly a chemical castration. It may even be too late for you and euthanasia the only answer.

Prayer app on full blast, in your direction!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Shame on you truffle! I complimented you on your “ornamentals” comment. I am not a homogay savage. I’m just turned on by lonnie childs and carlos danger and milton grits and I sincerely hope that they can help save me from my daily self rapes. Maybe you could help too truffle? What do you look like? Do you have a large penis and large hands?

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

I am a lesser gendered. Sister Truffle, to you!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

And aren’t the euthanasia ornamentals too? I’m confused truffle…

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

And that’s my problem truffle I keep getting a grip of myself and I can’t stop. I’m looking for help!

Truffle
7 years ago
Reply to  Jimmy

If you want us to take you seriously, you must take the first brave step yourself, by taking the SMN pledge. See the Phototestimonials section.

Fappy McFaps
Fappy McFaps
7 years ago

Wait a minute, so according to this, “streams of semen rich runoff which fills local aquifers to the point of bursting contributed to the disaster”?? I guess they must have had one hell of a bukkake party!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Oh, so you’re a girl truffle? Are you a jism receptacle in your house? Do your brothers and your daddy practice on you? Are you the family bicycle? Who popped your cherry? Daddy or your older brother or was it your crazy uncle? Or was it the pastor at your church? Did it hurt much? I’ll bet it feels pretty good now when your brothers and your dad get together for a good family game of dick hockey!!!

Jimmy
Jimmy
7 years ago

Do you save all of the boys in your family from the sin of self rape by letting them use whichever hole isn’t being used by your dad or your brothers?

jordan
jordan
7 years ago

guys this is obviously a satire post.. completely sarcastic.. “masturquake” lol come on give props to whoever wrote this. its really well written, so well to the point almost everyone who reads it believes the author is really insane.. I love the humor in this piece.. kudos to whoever wrote this. I enjoyed the comedy of it

TEAM JNPR
TEAM JNPR
5 years ago

LONNIE BILLIONS OF YEN, ARE WORTH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS HERE IN THE US. THE REASON MONEY IS WORTH LESS IN OTHER COUNTRIES IS BECAUSE THEY DON’T PRINT MORE MONEY THAN HEY HAVE GOLD OF LIKE GREEDY AMERICANS DO. YOU RACIST FUCKING PIG. I HOPE ONE DAY, YOU ARE RAPED. I. NOT EVEN KIDDING, I HOPE YOU GO TO JAIL FOR CHILD MOLESTATION, AND GUT YOUR ASSHOLE SHREDDED UP, BY EVERY MAN IN THERE. YOU ARE A MONSTER WHO JUST NEEDS TO DIE, AND BURN IN HELL, IF THERE EVEN IS ONE, BUT BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE LOST MY FAITH… Read more »