Big Masturbation / Celebrity / Civics / Family Values / Lifestyle / Lonnie Childs / Money / Morals / Politics / Press Release / Self-Rape Prevention / Tina's Law

Won’t You Please Help?

For immediate release:

“My brothers and sisters…I, Lonald “Lonnie” Childs, having fought the scourge of masturbation for decades now must come to you in our most desperate hour.  The 30% tithe of their gross income that my followers pay has in the past been sufficient to fund my ministry and keep me in the lifestyle of which I’ve been accustomed.  The recent victories we have scored against Big Masturbation have caused their donors such as the Obamas, the Clintons and George Soros to increase their contributions to overthrow “Tina’s Law”.  We will not cede these hard fought victories to the LIEberals not now or ever but we need your help.

Please send us 30% of your net income as a tithe and you are guaranteed entrance into Heaven in death and your skin color will lighten while on Earth.  Now we here at STOP Masturbation NOW ministries understand these are difficult times and, thanks to Obama, money is tight and women can drive and vote.  In the spirit of helping our fellow man I am offering salvation to those who purchase items from our STOP Masturbation NOW shopping Cafe Press Netsite.  The money spent will go towards our fight against Big Masturbation and keep me in the lifestyle my wives and I have grown accustomed to.  For a small fee you can proudly proclaim your dedication to a self-celibate lifestyle and make the world a better place.  Praise!

God bless some of you.

Dr. Lonald “Lonnie” Childs

You may purchase our fine products using the netlink below.  Bless!

http://www.cafepress.com/stopmasturbationnow

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
guest
18 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Nigel Covington
5 years ago

You can count on me Lonnie!

Rory
Rory
5 years ago

I really can’t tell if this is serious or not anymore… Not being funny, please enlighten me.

Pekoe Baggins
Pekoe Baggins
5 years ago

This would be my last visit, but before I go, I would like to say this: My suspicions of this netsite have now been confirmed. I have never encountered anyone begging for money like this since my little encounter with that welfare nigra on that little street corner. If you were true conservatives, and noble Christian Capitalists like our blue-eyed, blonde haired, light skinned master Jesus Christ, you would not have to beg for money like this. The invisible hand of the free market (the hand of Jesus), would be able to solve all your financial problems. I’m sorry, but… Read more »

Master Bater
5 years ago

I like masturbation and this site makes me very very horny….back in a few minutes, m’kay?

A non-believer
A non-believer
4 years ago
Reply to  Master Bater

Very Funny

nick dorito
nick dorito
5 years ago

Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record October 19, 2013 by Jimmy Rustling Leave a Comment Crowds gather and celebrate in the city of La Falda as a new record for masturbation has been achieved. La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This new feat breaks the previous record set… Read more »

nick dorito
nick dorito
5 years ago

I am up for the challenge

666
666
5 years ago

Hahaha what the heck is this site, man you need help.

Fuller Johnson
Fuller Johnson
5 years ago

My total income came to -$56,953.16. So please send me a check for $17,085.95 as my tithe. Praise be.

New Cam
New Cam
5 years ago

the manipulation of lesser minds is truly an art that I cannot believe you would stoop so low just for a few more sales. Betraying your god by blatantly lying to your customers is a incredible sin. And why does lighter skin make you more christian? God’s people had dark skin from spending such a long time in the desert.

A non-believer
A non-believer
4 years ago
killme
killme
4 years ago

Kill yourself.

Sugar Tits
Sugar Tits
4 years ago

The people who don’t understand that this is completely sarcastic and satirical need to be lobotomized.

Mike
Mike
3 years ago

You said you’ll get me into heaven and give me lighter skin if I give you %30 of my income.So if I give you %30 of my income you’ll get me into heaven? What if I sell drugs and give you %30 of that?or what if I’m a hit man and give you %30 of that income? Don’t say things like that! You mislead and confuse people which is serious. To get into heaven you have to be a good person period.

JohnnyMac
JohnnyMac
3 years ago

this is a blasphemous and evil site. I shall return.

VengeanceIsMine
VengeanceIsMine
3 years ago

I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. I’d wait for the flames to die out,& then rub salt in the wounds you lying scumbags

fellow memer
fellow memer
3 years ago

lmfao this is the funniest stuff I’ve seen in a while. Thanks for the laughs