Tina’s Law Passed in South Dakota

As part of STOP Masturation NOW’s ongoing mission to eradicate masturbation, Lonnie Childs has sponsored legislature in 18 of the 50 states to make masturbation illegal. Tina’s Law (named after black pop singing sensation Tina Turner) makes masturbation illegal and sets up a “Council of Morality” appointed by Brother Lonnie to enforce the new legislature and to punish masturbaters, their allies and enablers. Punishment includes community service, fines, electrocution to the genitals, removal of hands and death.

Praise be to the people of South Dakota who made history and voted Tina’s Law into their Constitution. Brother Lonnie is currently making appointments for the South Dakota Council of Morality. Superstar place kicker, South Dakota native and staunch anti-masturbation warrior Adam Vinatieri is rumored to be a front runner for a Council appointment. “I made no apologies for kicking game winning field goals and I’ll make no apologies for kicking masturbaters into death camps either” said South Dakota’s favorite son.

Brother Lonnie is also training law enforcement on identifying and punishing suspects. Those who do not step forward and report masturbation in their communities are no better than the criminals themselves and are therefore not immune to prosecution. “I encourage all good and decent Christians to videotape suspected masturbaters and share the evidence with all their family, friends and co-workers before bringing it to law enforcement. It’s the only way they will learn and they will thank you for it”.

South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard praised Brother Lonnie’s efforts in a statement after signing Tina’s Law. “Thanks to the tireless efforts of Brother Lonnie who I call pastor and friend, masturbation in South Dakota has met its match and we call on the rest of the states to protect the decent citizens of this great nation and don’t delay the passage of Tina’s Law. Let South Dakota lead the nation in this great endeavor. Not only are we punishing and putting away masturbaters for life but the majority of them seem to be black, Teepee Indian and Mexican so it’s what I call a win-win situation. God Bless Brother Lonnie, the great state of South Dakota and God bless America.”