Articles by: Cathy Redmond

Big Masturbation To Use ‘Crisis Actors’ On New SMN Facebook Page

Big Masturbation To Use ‘Crisis Actors’ On New SMN Facebook Page

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) An unnamed source that claims to have infiltrated into the shady Big Masturbation organization has asserted that the group plans to use “crisis actors” to derail discussion on the newly christened Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage. For the uninitiated, ‘crisis actors’ are hired guns […]

by June 16, 2014 8 comments Foreigners, Politics
Conservative Cathy Cinema: Review of Documentary Film ‘Escape From Tomorrow’ (2013)

Conservative Cathy Cinema: Review of Documentary Film ‘Escape From Tomorrow’ (2013)

As a devout Lonvidian, I take my religion seriously and regularly attend a Sunday afternoon prayer group. After the prayers are finished, the group either heads to the local cineplex or to the church auditorium to watch one of many documentary films to teach us new things about our faith. […]

by June 16, 2014 2 comments Celebrity
“Childs Youth” Gang Takes Over Australian Radio Station

“Childs Youth” Gang Takes Over Australian Radio Station

FITZROY CROSSING, AUSTRALIA — (SMNNN) A group of children loyal to the growing “Stop Masturbation Now, Australia!” movement took over a radio station in Fitzroy Crossing last week. The gang of children, aged 6 to 11, who refer to themselves as “Childs Youth” in a nod to our savior, Lonnie […]

by June 13, 2014 0 comments Foreigners, World
Han Solo Injured By Masturbation Accident On Millennium Falcon

Han Solo Injured By Masturbation Accident On Millennium Falcon

Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation […]

by June 13, 2014 4 comments Celebrity
Holy Man Bieber snubbed in attempt to convert actor DiCaprio

Holy Man Bieber snubbed in attempt to convert actor DiCaprio

CANNES, FREEDOM — (SMNNN) Hollywood slave “Leonardo DiCaprio”, probably best known for his role as the titular Private Ryan in ‘Saving Private Ryan’, snubbed recently baptized and confirmed Lonvidian, Justin Bieber, over the weekend. Bieber, now operating on behalf of the Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, was on a conversion and […]

by June 13, 2014 2 comments Celebrity, World
Pregnant Mila Kunis To Men: Stop Masturbating!

Pregnant Mila Kunis To Men: Stop Masturbating!

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMMNN) Pregnant actress Mila Kunis, most notably known for her prescient role in the film ‘Knocked Up’, spoke out recently with a message for men around the globe. During her appearance on the DeKalb, Illinois public access program “Reflections”, Kunis spoke out loudly against the […]

by June 12, 2014 9 comments Celebrity
Victims Gallery: June 1st – June 9th 2014

Victims Gallery: June 1st – June 9th 2014

SAFFORD, AZ — (SMMNN) It is with a heavy heart that I am tasked with this update to this holy netsite documenting the latest victims gallery of masturbation casualties. As previously reported by my esteemed colleague, Erich Sean, masturbation kills celebrities in fours and that is a proven Faith Fact™. Unfortunately, we […]

by June 12, 2014 0 comments Celebrity
image source: Free Digital Photos By Stuart Miles, published on 11 April 2012
Stock Image - image ID: 10079656

Net Neutrality: What Big Masturbation Doesn’t Want You To Know

WEST PALM BEACH, FL — (SMNNN) The future of the new technology, known colloquially as “the internet”, is a topic that has gotten a lot of traction lately in both the mainstream media as well as the seedy underbelly of the “‘information superhighway”. Unfortunately, no other netsite has written about […]

by June 11, 2014 1 comment Politics
Death Toll From Masturbation Ebola Rises In Sierra Leone

Death Toll From Masturbation Ebola Rises In Sierra Leone

FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE (SMNNN) — The death toll of aid workers killed by those infected in the recent Masturbation Ebola outbreak in Sierra Leone has tripled in the last week. While local health officials were originally concerned with the deaths of those infected with the disease, the concern has turned […]

by June 10, 2014 6 comments Science, World
Jonah Hill issues apology to Lonnie Childs

Jonah Hill issues apology to Lonnie Childs

LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD, CA (SMNNN) Professional weight loss advocate and part time actor, Jonah Hill told the media that he lost his cool with a masturbator and is completely devastated that he did not work harder to convert them. Liberal Media stronghold, TMZ, released video footage of Hill telling a half […]

by June 10, 2014 3 comments Celebrity
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