B.L.U.F.F. / Family Values

Youth Caught Self Raping

When Dana Pridemore of Evanston, IL climbed the stairs of her family’s two-story suburban home to  retire for the evening, all she had on her mind was her Harper’s Magazine and a few segments of the Tonight Show before turning in.

She visited her daughter Sarah, who at the tender age of eleven, had never failed the SMN Finger Sniff. Tonight was no different. Sarah’s fingers were clean and fresh smelling. There were no signs of vaginal syrup or pungent odor to indicate masturbation. The welcome glow of happy relief that her daughter is free of self-rape sin was evident in Dana’s purposeful stride.

It was when Mrs. Pridemore walked into her fourteen year-old son Jason’s room that the horrible events that almost destroyed the Pridemore family occurred.

Usually, it is Mr. Hank Pridemore who sniffed Jason’s fingers and hand for the almond smell of seminal ejaculate indicating young male self-rape. This night was no different. As a loving father and family man, Mr. Pridemore took his duty to perform the SMN Finger Sniff on Jason very seriously. He is prideful in his efforts to ensure the eternal salvation of his family.

After Dana left her daughter’s room to join her husband before slumber, she remembered that a few of Jason’s white socks were missing from that day’s laundry. She thought she would pay young Jason a visit. He had a habit of carelessly flinging his socks and underwear around the room as typical of young boys at his age with a paper route and team sport activities. Dana thought she would look for the mismatched socks and remind Jason to cease his careless activity if he was still awake.

What she would discover was infinitely worse…

As she entered Jason’s dark room, she heard his wide awake body immediately cover and roll away from the light. She also caught a glimpse of her son’s gleaming eyes from the mirror as they reflected in the same light. He seemed to have his arms pinned to his sides.

With that odd behavior, Dana Pridemore flipped on the bedroom lights and advanced to investigate. She pulled down her son’s blankets to reveal the most shocking scene of her life. Young Jason was curled up in a defensive fetal position holding on to his turgid and recently stroked penis. With a semen encrusted sock next to his crotch area, it clicked. Jason was self raping.

Dana’s guttural cry shook the household, waking young Sarah and causing Hank to come sprinting into the room.

Both Hank and Dana Pridemore gasped at the reality of the situation they witnessed. Hank’s initial reaction was that of physical retaliation to drive the self-rape demons from his son. He held back from an open handed strike to his son’s face when he noticed his wife in tears, holding her face in her hands. Hank ordered Sarah back to her room and immediately contacted the SMN Family Services Hotline to explain the dire circumstances of his family’s dilemma.

It is in a situation like this that Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts can do the most good. There are facilities that offer counseling and self-rape aversion therapy on the campus. With the high standing of the Pridemore family, their plight was forefront to the B.L.U.F.F. staff.

Today, the Pridemore family has much healing to do. Their faith has been dealt a serious blow by the self-rape demons that patrol the earth and look to infect lessor minds. They are receiving the care needed to eliminate this shameful event from their lives and repair the dignity of their household as a God-loving normal family in the service of Christ and Lonnie. Please join with us in prayer and well wishes to the Pridemore Family and all others that are on the road to repairing lives shattered by self-rape.

avatar
40 Comment threads
25 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
40 Comment authors
Wilbur KeplerNigger faggotAScodilliJonathan DoyleMEGAFAPTRON Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Anu Start
Guest
Anu Start

what the fuck is this shit

David
Guest
David

You guys commenting anti Christian BS can’t figure out this is a satire website.

MEGAFAPTRON
Guest
MEGAFAPTRON

I just stumble upon this because of the anti-masturbation cross(funny as fuck) and well this is fucking hilarious, I hope you are right about this shit not being real.

Kellsyn
Guest
Kellsyn

Masturbation is a normal thing, dumbasses.
If that’s self-rape, then what is sex? Normal rape no matter what?
God you idiots bring a horrible name to Chirstians.

Go fuck yourselves,
Kellsyn

Angel
Guest
Angel

LMAO

I Love
Guest

Fuck Christianity, and Fuck this website. What the fuck is wrong with these people. Seriously.

SpermInMySocks
Guest

Pray here. Let me get this straight… This is a website for fucked up retarded Christian people right? This website is for the retarded. Kill the Christians and hail Satan. That’s what I think. I’ll “Self-Rape” all over this fucking website.

augustweisz
Admin

Its stories like the one in this article that remind me how important our mission is.

Jesus the Main Motherfucker Christ
Guest
Jesus the Main Motherfucker Christ

Why? Because a couple of nutbag parents cant handle that their child figured out that it feels good to masturbate?

Jason
Guest

God I really need to spank the monkey right now.

Kellsyn
Guest
Kellsyn

Spank the money all over

Nigel Covington
Guest

Jason & Kellsyn, promote self-rape making them disgusting sinners. The next time either of you touches yourself may God smite you down and send you straight to hell where you belong.

God
Guest
God

So, your God will send me straight to hell if I have consensual sex with myself but he will not save me when I’m in a wildfire…

qwer
Guest
qwer

Dafuq is this

Jason
Guest

Nah it’s ok. I just think this website is fucked up. Ran by a bunch of fuck ups

Jason
Guest

I’m just gonna smoke my weed and be happy now. Smoking isn’t a sin after all. God made it himself. It’s from nature itself.

brother tugsaloot
Guest
brother tugsaloot

I hope you offer Satan some weed when he is poking your brown sin cave deep in the bowels of triple hell!

Jason
Guest

Nah I’ll save that for my marriage if my wife would be cool with that. But thanks anyway. You need to hit this blunt nigga and chill.

brother tugsaloot
Guest
brother tugsaloot

Silly masturbator injecting marajuanna is the gate way drug to many chronic masturbation illnesses such as homogayism and triple aids. Praying AT you.

Jason
Guest

Pahahahahahaha. You lost me there man. Time to smoke another bowl. Fuck y’all are crazy

Tom
Guest
Tom

Ok, so this is a satire website, I think. I’m not to sure.
But that is not the ‘pridemoore’ family. I stole the same photo off Google images when I had to search for family for a project.

Derek
Guest
Derek

Oh I just LOVE the feeling of masturbation, I cum all over my hand and just throw it away on a tissue. It’s certainly the best feeling in the world, just thinking of it now gives me a rock hard boner.

brother tugsaloot
Guest
brother tugsaloot

Oh you poor masturbator your chronic self raping habits have left you with triple aids. We CAN help you through this holy netsite.

Dafuq is this website
Guest
Dafuq is this website

I love to rub my clit

Jason
Guest

Nigga if masturbating gave people triple AIDS, we’d all be dead

Jason
Guest

And maybe I can help you rub that clit;)

Merle Chimball
Guest
Merle Chimball

Praise Brother Cassidy! I would have held the child down myself and spanked him if I had caught him self raping. I am glad his father called the hotline and the child is now in the custody of trained psychologists.

Riley
Guest

Christianity: where a natural pleasure is a satanic worship but repeatedly smacking the butthole of a kid is just a learning experience.

Jason
Guest

Literally just jizzed.

Jason
Guest

So how yall feeling about gay marriage being legal? I For one think its a blessing. Ignorance has no color. Except maybe for all of the degenerate fucks that run this website.

Yourallgoingtohell
Guest
Yourallgoingtohell

Wow, first of all masterbation is 100% normal and okay. You are all fucked up in the head. I’d rather my kids masterbate then go out and fuck instead. Self rape? Oh god. This website MUST be run by some fucked up bible thomping dumb asses that have NO grasp on real fucking life. You are all pathetic and seriously need some use of psychs yourselves. What kind of HORIIBLE parent would hit there child for masterbation. You should have your children removed from your home. They would be better off with CPS then with fucked up parents like you.… Read more »

The Reverend Dr. Mike Hocksmall, DD
Guest
The Reverend Dr. Mike Hocksmall, DD

I have a word from the Lord for you, my sinner friend. Beat your kids, not your meat!

Jason
Guest

Hey man as long as your happy, then keep being gay. Nobody can tell you who you are. Ignorance has no color.

Arti Fufkin
Guest
Arti Fufkin

Well there’s something we have in common… I’d love to rub your Clit too!

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

I want to rub her clit and french kiss her sin cave. Then i want to have a good old fashioned circle jerk with lonnie childs, brother cassidy, jasper centaur and the rest of the boys. We could stroke each other’s sin sticks and let cathy REDMOUND clean up all the man milk. Then truffle could revive our sin sticks and we could do some rump rangling…

Praise

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

I was too busy firing off some knuckle children on the old sin stick and i forgot to sign in. But i want credit for the comment i made above…fap fap fap

Praise

Mike Hocksmall
Guest
Mike Hocksmall

How traumatized that poor Christian mother must be, to find her son letting Satan into his body, through the heinous act of homo-ing off! I pray they send that young man to a long stretch in Christian boot camp. There, surrounded by the Word of God and by rough, aggressive Christian men, he may learn of manly things, to keep his hand on a gun, not his baby maker!

HANDS OFF—DON’T HOMO

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

Mike, is it gay if we touch each other’s sin stick? I don’t think so. Please rub mine and I’ll rub yours and we can practice firing our guns at each other’s mouths.

Praise

The Reverend Dr. Mike Hocksmall, DD
Guest
The Reverend Dr. Mike Hocksmall, DD

As long as it’s done in a manly way, as pleases our conservative Lord.

Jimmy
Guest
Jimmy

So does that mean you are going to rub my sin stick for me? Hang on let me get my tweezers and I’ll rub yours too. This is going to be hot!!!

acs
Guest
acs

O my god This site is prolly the funniest thing ever I can’t decide weather it’s a satire site or real ether way I’m intertained

Daniel
Guest

Why does everyone take this website seriously lol. It’s just a joke

nah
Guest
nah

HAHAHAHA YALL NIGGERS NEED TO LISTEN TO TYLER THE CREATOR THAT SHITLL FUCK YOU UP BRO

Sanjay.
Guest

I masturbated today after resisting more than 3 months- please pray I get rid of this deadly sin- I’m feeling really guilty, and think I may have a sex demon lurking in my penis and mind, I get horrible lust full dreams, one where I sucked a boy’s penis at my martial arts class, another where I tugged on my weiner for more than 14 hours 40 minutes, it was so frightening and I felt so horny in the dream, all this and porn eventually made me break my streak, oh and a sex demon possessed me, made my penis… Read more »

shanepaulson
Guest

My heart goes out to the Pridemore’s during this difficult time.

shanepaulson
Guest

I once overheard my junior high aged son refer to his privates as a “yogurt launcher” – by then I knew it was too late and disowned him from the family. Last I heard he was self raping down south somewhere.

BlitzFox 03
Guest
BlitzFox 03

THAT ISNT EVEN RAPE YOU IDIOTS XD\

Jocelyn
Guest
Jocelyn

To the pridemore family father : you got raped and your a rapist
To the pridemore family mother: you got raped and your a rapist
To the pridemore family daughter: I feel so bad for you your parents are infecting your mind with the lie that masturbation is a horrible thing when that’s not the case. Practicing safe-sex is way better than getting HIV or AIDS or pregnancy in some cases. Don’t raise your child into this lie
To the pridemore family. Brother: You go boy !!!! Tug away 🙂

Sveinung Kristiansen
Guest
Sveinung Kristiansen

Seriously.. Is this a joke? This Cassidy Pen dude must be the biggest wanker here..

He must be jealous for some reason. Maybe born without a dick? Ore am I going for a joke here?

Someone must have a seriously damaged mind to come up with all these false stories..

But if this is no joke. I hope he is alone. If someone are following this insane way of thinking.. I feel sorry for them..

Now me and my wife are going to se some porn and masturbate for etch other..

Abdullah Tariq
Guest

Just jizzed all over a picture of Kate Upton lmao

Jonathan Doyle
Guest
Jonathan Doyle

Is that really the family in the picture?

AScodilli
Guest
AScodilli

L-O-L!!!! :D!!!!