WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) Professional wrestling Hall of Famer, Pete Rose, is seeking a “second chance” 25 years after being the first man banned from professional baseball for excessive masturbation. Rose recently admitted to his wrong doings for the first time ever after a confirmed visit to the […]
As a devout Lonvidian, I take my religion seriously and regularly attend a Sunday afternoon prayer group. After the prayers are finished, the group either heads to the local cineplex or to the church auditorium to watch one of many documentary films to teach us new things about our faith. […]
HOLLYWOOD- CALIFORNIA (SMNNN) The religious activism organization of children “Childs Youth”, (named for our savior Lonald Childs), released a statement today saying they have converted noteable homogay, Micheal Bay (Director of many blockbuster films, such as Planet of the Apes; Dark of the Moon, and Captain America: The Amazing Spiderman […]
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkMNOlYcpHg](STOPMasturbationNOW)– Kim Jong Un has achieved yet another level of mass mind control success after closing a music deal with Snoop Doggy Dogg to release a mind control song and take over all of North America and Lesser Mexican America. The song entitled Hangover was written with subliminal Korean messages […]
Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation […]
CANNES, FREEDOM — (SMNNN) Hollywood slave “Leonardo DiCaprio”, probably best known for his role as the titular Private Ryan in ‘Saving Private Ryan’, snubbed recently baptized and confirmed Lonvidian, Justin Bieber, over the weekend. Bieber, now operating on behalf of the Stop Masturbation Now Ministries, was on a conversion and […]
Can it get any more clear for you?
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMMNN) Pregnant actress Mila Kunis, most notably known for her prescient role in the film ‘Knocked Up’, spoke out recently with a message for men around the globe. During her appearance on the DeKalb, Illinois public access program “Reflections”, Kunis spoke out loudly against the […]
SAFFORD, AZ — (SMMNN) It is with a heavy heart that I am tasked with this update to this holy netsite documenting the latest victims gallery of masturbation casualties. As previously reported by my esteemed colleague, Erich Sean, masturbation kills celebrities in fours and that is a proven Faith Fact™. Unfortunately, we […]
LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD, CA (SMNNN) Professional weight loss advocate and part time actor, Jonah Hill told the media that he lost his cool with a masturbator and is completely devastated that he did not work harder to convert them. Liberal Media stronghold, TMZ, released video footage of Hill telling a half […]
