Articles by: Lonnie Childs

How To Spot a Masturbator

How To Spot a Masturbator

Most people wash their hands as a way to stay clean and prevent the spread of harmful germs.  When using the restroom, a normal person will wash their hands upon entering the restroom so as to not spread bacteria and viruses to their genitals, and then relieve themselves afterwards.  This […]

by February 20, 2020 223 comments Morals, Spot a Masturbator
“Spin the Bottle”:  A Harmless Rite of Passage or Dangerous Masturbation Ritual?

“Spin the Bottle”: A Harmless Rite of Passage or Dangerous Masturbation Ritual?

Some say that the pre-teen game “spin the bottle” is harmless fun; a time where whimsical memories are created, a rite of passage for many a youth.  The naïve people who believe this couldn’t be more wrong! **SPIN THE BOTTLE IS A GATEWAY DRUG TO A GROUP MASTURBATION GAME CALLED […]

by February 18, 2020 4 comments Gateway Drug, Morals, Spot a Masturbator
Donald Trump Fulfills First Prophecy, Disposes of Mexican Dictator Fidel Castro

Donald Trump Fulfills First Prophecy, Disposes of Mexican Dictator Fidel Castro

Havana, Mexico — Praise!  In the first of what is sure to be thousands of prophecies fulfilled, Dear Leader Donald Trump has administered swift and fatal justice to Mexican tyrant, Fidel Castro, who was killed today by special forces on the orders of the President-elect, ending decades of masturbation-related terrorism […]

by November 26, 2016 12 comments Trump
Marijuana, Ellis Dee and Masturbation:  “Free Love” 1960s San Francisco Was Ground Zero For Sin

Marijuana, Ellis Dee and Masturbation: “Free Love” 1960s San Francisco Was Ground Zero For Sin

San Francisco, CA – STOP Masturbation NOW faith scientists, in conjunction with your tax dollars, have spent the last three years attempting to pinpoint exactly when and where masturbation was first invented.  We are happy to report that the $645,000 federally-funded project has conclusively determined that masturbation was invented in […]

by April 9, 2016 3 comments History
Jesus And The First Anti-Masturbation Cross®

Jesus And The First Anti-Masturbation Cross®

This Easter as you enjoy quality time with your same-race family, it is important that you remember the reason for the season.  Reflect upon the sacrifice that Jesus made for us all by allowing Himself to die a painful, humiliating death nailed to the first Anti-Masturbation Cross® in order to forgive […]

by March 25, 2016 32 comments History
FACES OF MASTURBATION SERIES, SUCCESS STORIES: “Michael J.”

FACES OF MASTURBATION SERIES, SUCCESS STORIES: “Michael J.”

“Michael J.” was once a ferocious self-rapist as evidenced in his “before” photo.  Note the vacant eyes, the grotesquely bulbous nose, the self-righteous smirk and the anti-establishment afro hairstyle.  Michael was just another hell-bound masturbator, destined to spend eternity as Satan’s personal sock puppet.  Look at him NOW!  After meeting […]

by February 17, 2016 11 comments Faces of Masturbation
Edward Scissorhands:  The Best Anti-Masturbation Documentary Ever Filmed

Edward Scissorhands: The Best Anti-Masturbation Documentary Ever Filmed

I recently had the pleasure of watching the anti-masturbation documentary film Edward Scissorhands  on the HBO.  It must drive liberal Hollywood crazy that a moral film such as this has become such a massive hit!  The creators of this uplifting, moral movie deserve to be recognized.  Sleazy Hollywood would never bestow any […]

by October 21, 2015 10 comments Celebrity
The SMN Ethnic Outreach Program Reaches Mexicans With La Anti-Masturbación Cross®

The SMN Ethnic Outreach Program Reaches Mexicans With La Anti-Masturbación Cross®

Los padres, has lo que nunca imaginó que su hijo masturbándose? ¿Le preocupa lo que hacen cuando vuelves la espalda? ¿Tienes miedo de que van a caer en las garras de Satanás?No te preocupes más! Presentación de la Anti-Masturbación Cross®! Diseñado por PARADA Masturbación EMPRESA ingenieros, este dispositivo de restricción […]

by October 19, 2015 9 comments Foreigners
The Faces of Masturbation:  “Reginald D.”

The Faces of Masturbation: “Reginald D.”

The heartbreaking story of “Reginald D.” is a classic case of an individual who self-raped so often and so vigorously that he eventually became bored with his own sin-scepter and chose to become a hardcore homosexual in order to experience the thrill of new ones.  He is now known throughout […]

by October 16, 2015 8 comments Faces of Masturbation
Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

Loyal follower and staunch non-masturbator, Paul Stanley, asks: “Lonnie, should sex education be taught in public schools?” Thank you for the question, Paul. Obviously the answer is “no”. For the past few decades, publicly schooled American children have fallen far behind their dastardly Oriental counterparts in scholarly subjects such as […]

by October 11, 2015 4 comments Ask Lonnie
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