Articles by: Lonnie Childs
Loyal follower and staunch non-masturbator, Paul Stanley, asks: “Lonnie, should sex education be taught in public schools?” Thank you for the question, Paul. Obviously the answer is “no”. For the past few decades, publicly schooled American children have fallen far behind their dastardly Oriental counterparts in scholarly subjects such as […]
Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all […]
Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival. The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the […]
Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool. Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had […]
Flock, it has come to my attention that a rather significant secular music festival, South By Southwest (SBSW), is currently taking place in Austin, Massachusetts. Like any festival, desperate masturbators looking for self-rape material are swiping left and right on the masturbation app, Tinder. Hilariously, some are finding out their […]
Happy New Year, everyone (The AMERICAN one, not the Asian one)! Congratulations to all of those who took the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy in 2014! And shame on those who didn’t! Won’t you make 2015 the year you finally STOP Masturbation NOW?
Happy Holidays Merry CHRISTmas! For the 2014th consecutive year, Christians have DESTROYED atheist masturbators to ensure that Christmas will once again happen right on schedule! Praise! Hey liberals, why don’t you grab your ridiculous Festivus pole, hitch a ride on your absurd Flying Spaghetti Monster and move to Cuba while the rest of us celebrate the Reason […]
Matthew 6:24 – “…You cannot serve both God and money.” As the STOP Masturbation NOW self-celibacy movement becomes more successful and influential, it appears that the pushback from our detractors has increased as well. It’s obvious that the masturbation lobby fear us and monitor our online activities. Like a […]
I’m sad to report that lately this holy netsite has been besieged by vicious masturbators who’ve resorted to personal attacks, foul language, threats of physical violence, pro-masturbation memes and displays of anti-social behavior in general. I pray at these people daily… “Lord, please provide us the strength to repel these […]
