Articles by: Lonnie Childs



Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all […]

by September 22, 2015 13 comments Faces of Masturbation
Eternal fire awaits those who "Burn The Man"

Burn “The Man” Now…Burn IN HELL Later!

Friends, I want to warn you about a nefarious group of liberal anarchists who make annual pilgrimages to the Black Rock desert in Mexico to partake in the so-called “Burning Man” festival. The Burning Man Project started in the early 1980’s after a group of San Franciscan hippers high on the […]

by September 14, 2015 22 comments Death
Not for long, God willing.

Should People Who Masturbate Be Allowed to Vote?

What a country!  As God-appointed Americans, we live in a Christian land, founded on Christian morals by non-masturbating Christian heroes.  One of the great tenets of this fantastic nation in which we reside is the concept of a free democracy.  A government of the people, by the people, for the […]

by May 10, 2015 218 comments Civics
Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

Profile of Masturbation Music: Tool

Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool.  Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had […]

by April 25, 2015 20 comments Masturbation Music
Masturbators Catfished By SexBot at SBSW Festival!

Masturbators Catfished By SexBot at SBSW Festival!

Flock, it has come to my attention that a rather significant secular music festival, South By Southwest (SBSW), is currently taking place in Austin, Massachusetts.  Like any festival, desperate masturbators looking for self-rape material are swiping left and right on the masturbation app, Tinder.  Hilariously, some are finding out their […]

by March 17, 2015 4 comments Trending
Happy (American, NOT Chinese) New Year!

Happy (American, NOT Chinese) New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone (The AMERICAN one, not the Asian one)!  Congratulations to all of those who took the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy in 2014!  And shame on those who didn’t! Won’t you make 2015 the year you finally STOP Masturbation NOW?

by January 1, 2015 5 comments Happy New Year
Christians Win the War on Christmas For the 2014th Consecutive Year

Christians Win the War on Christmas For the 2014th Consecutive Year

Happy Holidays Merry CHRISTmas!  For the 2014th consecutive year, Christians have DESTROYED atheist masturbators to ensure that Christmas will once again happen right on schedule!  Praise!  Hey liberals, why don’t you grab your ridiculous Festivus pole, hitch a ride on your absurd Flying Spaghetti Monster and move to Cuba while the rest of us celebrate the Reason […]

by December 22, 2014 7 comments Christmas
The Currency of Big Masturbation

STOP Masturbation NOW Under Attack By Paid Shills!

Matthew 6:24 – “…You cannot serve both God and money.”   As the STOP Masturbation NOW self-celibacy movement becomes more successful and influential, it appears that the pushback from our detractors has increased as well.  It’s obvious that the masturbation lobby fear us and monitor our online activities.  Like a […]

by December 9, 2014 14 comments Big Masturbation
Imagine a world without self-rape.

Thursday Sermon

I’m sad to report that lately this holy netsite has been besieged by vicious masturbators who’ve resorted to personal attacks, foul language, threats of physical violence, pro-masturbation memes and displays of anti-social behavior in general.  I pray at these people daily… “Lord, please provide us the strength to repel these […]

by November 20, 2014 13 comments Family Values
Do You Really Want Your Children to Have a Parent That Masturbates?

Do You Really Want Your Children to Have a Parent That Masturbates?

by November 19, 2014 10 comments Family Values
Help Stop Masturbation Now!
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