Articles by: Lonnie Childs
After months of lobbying, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a major victory over the powerful forces of Big Masturbation and enemies of God-given morals everywhere! Praise! The good folks at Merriam-Webster have added the word “Fapstinence” to their dictionary, acknowledging all of the hard work […]
Hear that sound? That’s the sound of Satan accepting a new victim into his realm. Michael Hutchinson, lead singer of British death metal band INXS, died recently due to masturbation-related complications. From an outsider’s perspective Michael seemed to have a fulfilling yet wild life. He had money, fame and respect. […]
“What happened last night? Did I get selfraped? Who do I turn to?” Turn to Christ, young masturbator! Take the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy today! Praise!
At first glance, this looks like a happy couple, sharing in the afterglow of wedded bliss. But…look closer. Notice anything…disturbing? Notice anything…unnatural? Notice anything…that God would disapprove of? The reason why this photo of this unholy matrimony makes your skin crawl is because both of these people are MASTURBATORS. These […]
DID YOU KNOW? The mighty dragon, T-Rex, once had arms like that of a man but was PUNISHED by God for masturbating and cursed with the short arms he now has today.
**BREAKING MASTURBATION ALERT** Parents, it has recently come to my attention that pornograpics, i.e., explicit sexual material, can be found on the World Wideweb (www). Have you ever wondered what your son is doing whenever you are not around? Chances are he is locked away in his bedroom, self-raping to […]
(Stop Masturbation NOW)— Obama, probably the most controversial and nefarious creature in history has mysteriously risen to the presidency of the United States of America even without being a US citizen or even showing any love for America or its state religion. Some would say he is the antichrist, some […]
Have a safe and masturbation free Fourth.
As we all know, masturbation deaths come in fours. Please share these memers with your friends, family, and co-workers. Praise!
