9/11 Was an Inside Handjob

Today, we mark the 13th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks which brought this nation to its knees (homogays were already there, of course). Like the Kennedy Assassination, we all remember where we were the moment we heard the news. Most of us were in the middle of our morning masturbation session, caught by the terrorists with our pants down just like they hoped.

The majority of Americans smugly assume to have long since settled the details of these events. The LIEberal media has its official version of the story and—with the exception of conspiracy theorists on the lunatic fringe—that story is regarded as dogma. We at B.L.U.F.F. have always known something was amiss in the popular narrative, but couldn’t quite put our finger in it. New intelligence has recently been reconnaissized, however. And what we found… might shock you.

Who was behind the attack on the Twin Towers? Two words: Bush and Dick. You read that right. It turns out that, as we suspected, Big Masturbation was responsible for orchestrating and carrying out the destruction of the World Trade Center all along. FaithScientists and FaithHistorians have developed the “9/11 Splooge” [set of] FaithFacts. This is not a theory for, as we know, theories are always false. Sploogers (as we prefer to be called) infallibly believe that Big Masturbation covertly funded a terrorist cell in the Middle East called JIS (Jews, Islamists, and Satanists) who carried out the attacks. Their purpose in so doing was to create a pretext for war in order to secure the vast underground semen reserves in that region.

The 9/11 Splooge Movement

As our own Cathy Redmond recently reported, semen is caustic to steel and wood. There were no planes involved, contrary to popular belief and Popular Mechanics. The supposedly hijacked jets witnesses claimed to have seen crash into the buildings were nothing more than a mass demonic hallucination giving cover to the true culprits: a vile band of Satanic self-raping Semites. Suicide sploogers from JIS placed strategically throughout the towers stroked their sin sticks in unison, causing the structure to collapse in on itself in one giant ejaculatory explosion. FaithEngineers refer to this as ‘Controlled Dissemination’.

The 9/11 Emission Report digs deeper still. Big Masturbation and JIS were not working alone. Their efforts were aided and abetted at the highest levels of the otherwise godly U.S. government by the Herptilians – a secret and ancient race of Satanic serpent beings descended from the talking snake in the Garden of Eden who himself originally came to our planet from the one non-normal/negro hole which we now know exists (re: SMN Faithscience Editor Thomas Kelly’s recent write-up). Many celebrities and politicians are shape-shifting Herptilians, appearing as normals outwardly, but inwardly full of sin and STDs. Herptilians derive their name from the Greek word “herpein”, which is the root word for herpetology, the study of reptiles and amphibians. It literally means “to creep”. As you may have guessed, it is also the root word for human herpesvirus. There’s something they don’t want us to know. Need further proof of this connection? Take out a dollar bill and place it in your hands. When you fold it several times and hold it up to the light, you’ll notice that it’s green. Just like snake skin.

Herptilians be creepin’, alright. They lurk in dark corners, reveling in evil imaginations, awaiting the day that the Herpetic Legion will achieve world domination and enslave us normals. I myself encountered one in my B.C. (Before Childs) days, before I was baptized in Brother Lonnie’s Golden Shower of love and forgiveness and, subsequently, acquired my Christian name. The days I look back upon with profound shame and regret. When I used to get drunk on alcohol, have unprotected sex with women, and use the f-word. On one of the these fateful nights, I met former country singer Taylor Swift at a bar. The rest is church history. This professional music video should explain my once-masturbatory manner of life well enough.

Warning: NSFW (Not Safe For Women).

Taylor Swift: Herptilian?

A future report will explore the motives and workings of the Herpetic Legion at length. Suffice it to say, if you encounter a celebrity or politician who looks like the one pictured to the left, avoid having sexual relations with her, if possible.

While the justification for war was based on a lie, George W. Bush was still a wonderful 43rd president, and I, for one, continue to fully support the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan. The dark-skinned segment of the world population was growing at an alarming rate and needed to be thinned out a bit.

#NEVERFORGET