SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator. Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt […]
Joe Ferno, of Naples Florida, has filed suit in State Superior Court, claiming that his right to marry himself is being infringed upon by Florida’s antiquated laws that state marriage is between two people. The plaintiff, an admitted ten-times a day masturbator, says he is doing what all same-self […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — (SMNNN) President Barack Obama is under fire from his liberal base after taking time out of his busy schedule to entertain an anti-masturbation bill being proposed by a cadre of conservative politicians. It is noteworthy that the President is making himself available at this time with the […]
A Coral Gables, Florida woman is suing her employer, Hobby Lobby, over their refusal to supply her with what she considers “birth control.” Linda Ferno, a seven year employee at the Coral Gables location of Hobby Lobby was hoping that her employer’s contribution to her government mandated health insurance […]
Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation. “I did a lot […]
Friday the 27th of June, in the year of our Lonnie, will forever go down in infamy at B.L.U.F.F. The jealous wrath of Mark FFuckerb Zuckerberg came down on our beloved savior, Lonnie Childs. Lonnie’s post about the Masturbation Cross or as I prefer to call it, the Celestial Papoose, […]
Yo Quiero, TX — Security agents from Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.) have been sent to patrol the border and deal with a dangerous faction of illegal immigrants. The announcement comes at a time when US Border Patrol Agents report an increase in masturbation terrorists crossing into the […]
Everyone knows that San Francisco is the center of world hedonism as sex in the streets and homogay parades result in traffic jams where rubbernecked citizens are seemingly shocked daily at the carnival of sin that goes on around them. Like Lott in Sodom, the righteous are left to fend […]
VALENCIA, CALIF. — (SMNNN) First responders are still working to rescue riders of the “Ninja” roller coaster at Los Angeles area amusement park “Six Flags: Magic Mountain” late Monday evening. The incident happened around 5:30pm Pacific time and left four park goers injured. Witnesses on the scene said everything seemed […]
Today marks the 2014th birthday of America, God’s favorite country. Praise! We here at STOP Masturbation NOW live the moral, masturbation free lives that the Founding Fathers intended! Creating a sovereign nation free from the yoke of oppression was not without it’s complications and tribulations. We must never forget that […]
