SIBERIA- COMMUNIST U.S.S.R C.C.C.P (SMNNN) An entire village in Siberia has been swallowed into a huge crater, and masturbation is definitely the cause, leading Faithscientists say. Leading Faithclimatetologist, Dr Skippy Enis, recently involved in an atomic meltdown explosion at B.L.U.F.F Graphcenter , and fresh from life saving surgery, explains the […]
Orange County, CA – A family is left grieving and planning arrangements today as the new “Wheelin and Feelin” craze sweeping the nation claims another young life. At approximately 11:15 AM, in sunny Laguna Beach, CA, one child has been pronounced dead and another is injured in what is being […]
Han Solo, also known by his Hollywood slave name “Harrison Ford”, was apparently injured in a freak accident on the set of the currently filming Star Wars sequel. As this was a Hollywood production, speculation quickly turned to confirmation that the accident was a direct result of careless on-set masturbation […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — Actor Tracy Morgan remains in critical condition but is showing signs of improvement less than 24 hours after the party bus he was riding in was wrecked. Mr. Morgan was able to respond to several questions from investigators today which doctors are saying is […]
WEST PALM BEACH, FLA (SMNNN) — A party bus driver has been formally charged in relation to an accident that has left popular actor Tracy Morgan in critical condition. Morgan, known for his popular comedy program “Key and Peele” was riding in a party bus driven by a Southeast Party […]
The Virginia medical examiner’s office says Dave Brockie, the frontman for the heavy metal band GWAR, died of excessive chronic masturbation. Brockie — who went by the stage name Oderus Urungus — was found dead in his Richmond home on March 23. He was 50. Noah Williamson, administrator at the […]
APACHE JUNCTION, Ariz. (SMNNN) – Authorities say two 12 year old central Arizona girls stabbed their 12 year old friend nearly to death to please an organization they learned about online. Both girls were charged with first degree attempted homicide Monday in Maricopa County Circuit Court. The criminal complaint says […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)— About 670,000 residents in Oregon were advised Friday to boil drinking water after several tests showed semen in some water samples, the Portland Water Bureau said. Hipsters masturbating in the towns mountainous reservoirs is most likely the cause. Masturbation is one of the fastest methods for spreading disease. […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)— This morning a Florida man was masturbating when the friction of him touching his sinstick caused a firenado. As we know masturbation is wrong and the wages of self-rape are death. Please remember to help work to make masturbation illegal.
