Articles by: Milton Grits

Actor John Candy

BREAKING: Actor John Candy to Portray Lonnie Childs in Upcoming Biopic

HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. — Actor John Candy has been tapped to portray Pastor Lonnie Childs in an upcoming biopic about the prolific anti-masturbation advocate, according to inside sources in Hollywood, California. The long-awaited motion picture, tentatively titled The Passion of the Childs, is expected to be a first for the faith-based […]

by August 4, 2014 27 comments Celebrity
Education Department Plans Mandatory Mexican Classes for U.S. Schools

Education Department Plans Mandatory Mexican Classes for U.S. Schools

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move announced yesterday, Education Secretary Arne Duncan unveiled a new proposal to ensure American students achieve early proficiency in Mexican language and culture. “We have an urgent challenge. Our educational system will soon absorb millions of children from south of the border. At the […]

by August 1, 2014 2 comments Foreigners
A History Lesson to the Masturbators

A History Lesson to the Masturbators

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator.  Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of  good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt […]

Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

Lonnie’s Followers Use Weird Trick to Achieve FaithGasm

  SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Here at Stop Masturbation Now, we eschew the practice of ejaculatory orgasm as a wasteful and sinful release. Our mission is to educate you of its negative physical and spiritual consequences. Ever since Onan spilled his seed upon the ground, men have been shooting putty with […]

The FaithFacts are in: Tattoos are a Sin.

The FaithFacts are in: Tattoos are a Sin.

To Tattoo or Not To? FaithFacts™, Tattoos and You SAFFORD, ARIZ. – Today, there is lots of peer pressure to “get inked.” Everyone, from perky middle school students to “brodudes” to auto mechanics to soccer moms to Wall Street brokers to saggy old ladies with “granny bumps” are getting all sorts […]

Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA. – If you were born after 1980 you’ve probably never seen this device before, and you likely don’t even know what it was used for.  But if you were born in the age of self-control, you’re parents may have made you wear this, and if so, […]

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