Note: The following is a excerpt from the King Lonald Holy Bible, a more accurate account of God and Christ. …and so it was that Brother Lonald, adhering to the Lord’s Calling to deliver the message of self rape abstinence to the afflicted third world countries of tribal Africa, was […]
PACIFIC GROVE,CALIF. — This week, forensic investigators announced that 53-year old singer-songwriter John Denver lost control of his light aircraft while masturbating, causing the plane to crash into Monterey Bay, Calif. 17 years ago. The case, which had been closed several years ago following an inconclusive investigation of Denver’s airplane […]
Focus not on temptation flesh sins as the devil wills for you, For he cares only for the ruin of your soul. Saturated with the tears from Jesus and angels, Empty burning hell’s torment is your eternal toll. Focus instead on the graces gained from flaccidity, For your reward in […]
HIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow. Although the communist government does not officially […]
Big Masturbation announced, by way of one of their pornography shell companies, that they plan to film a ‘porn parody’ of Lonnie Childs and His popular Stop Masturbation Now movement. At press time it was not known who has been cast to play the role of Our Savior, Lonnie Childs. […]
Indeed, the camel toe is Satan’s powerful weapon in his war to destroy your soul. A camel toe is a slang used to describe the shape and appearance of certain female boxes. When a woman jams her lower torso into today’s tight modern shorts, pant suits and thin fabric panties, […]
SMN -My dear friends in Christ. As you are well aware, the fight against the sin of self rape is an ongoing process, one that is never finished. The holy bible, being the first and only needed reference on the topic of morality, contains certain instructions and responsibilities that Christian […]
HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. — Actor John Candy has been tapped to portray Pastor Lonnie Childs in an upcoming biopic about the prolific anti-masturbation advocate, according to inside sources in Hollywood, California. The long-awaited motion picture, tentatively titled The Passion of the Childs, is expected to be a first for the faith-based […]
SAFFORD- ARIZONA (SMNNN) In a revelation, His Resplendence Saint Lonnie Childs has decreed motor scooters to be the most Holy of all motorcycles. Brother Lonnie stated that he was visited by a beautiful seraphim, which along with granting Brother Lonnie The Secret of The Universe, also decreed scooters to be […]
My dear friends in Christ. My daily street ministry preaching Brother Lonnie’s SMN message takes me frequently to the local Adult Book/Head Shop in my town’s downtown area. The best ears for Lonnie’s Holy Word are those most infected with sin. Here’s the truth. Masturbation IS a sin, punishable by […]
