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WNBA Season Comes to a Close

WNBA Season Comes to a Close

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This seasons WNBA season has come to a close. Sometime in the last couple of months the regular season ended and a champion was crowned we assume. The WNBA is a lot like the NBA except where in the NBA both genders are welcome the WNBA excludes men to give […]

by October 14, 2015 0 comments Sports
Is Your Daughter Paying for a Facial?

Is Your Daughter Paying for a Facial?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—This week we have a question from a loyal follower and father.   “Hi, my daughter just went away to college and I see that she has a weekly cash withdrawal out of her account every Friday for $40 cash. I asked her about it and she said it’s for […]

by October 13, 2015 19 comments Ask Lonnie
Family Values Approved Halloween Ghost Cookies Recipe

Family Values Approved Halloween Ghost Cookies Recipe

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Fall is one of the best times of the year. Hard working Americans get to reap the fruits of their labor, football is back, and baseball gets its World Series. But another one of the best things of the fall is Halloween and all the fun costumes and treats. […]

by October 12, 2015 4 comments Lifestyle
Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonnie Announces He Forgives Native American Teepee Indians

Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has long been a pioneer in race relations through his compassionate programs to institute White privilege for all through prayer and free skin bleaching procedures.  As such Brother Lonnie has seen a disturbing rise of intolerance that he has decided to combat.  With recent efforts by […]

Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

Should Sexy Education be Taught in Schools?

Loyal follower and staunch non-masturbator, Paul Stanley, asks: “Lonnie, should sex education be taught in public schools?” Thank you for the question, Paul. Obviously the answer is “no”. For the past few decades, publicly schooled American children have fallen far behind their dastardly Oriental counterparts in scholarly subjects such as […]

by October 11, 2015 4 comments Ask Lonnie
SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

SMN Self-Rape Alert: ‘Black Mass’

SMN Safford, AZ-A new waste of film depicting violence and masturbation mob activity has been released by Hollywood. “Black Mass,” starring Johnny Deep is the latest screed garnering a code red rating for excessive self-rape imagery and immoral content by the Faith Advisory Parental Media Information and Liturgical Foundation (FAPMILF), […]

by September 29, 2015 3 comments Celebrity
THE FACES OF MASTURBATION: “THOMAS Y.”

THE FACES OF MASTURBATION: “THOMAS Y.”

Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all […]

by September 22, 2015 13 comments Faces of Masturbation
KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

KLHB: A Reading From the Good Book of Issaiac.

It is Lonnie, who sittith with Jesus at the right hand of Almighty God, that holds the key of Heaven’s Gate. Admonish ye, all doers of evil, those that shalt spew and saturate the ground with their vile seed. For theirs is the error through earthly pleasure through wines and […]

by September 21, 2015 1 comment King Lonald Holy Bible
Facebook to Finally Allow you to Dislike Masturbators

Facebook to Finally Allow you to Dislike Masturbators

(StopMasturbationNOW)—It has been long proven that masturbation is a top ten cause of disease and the leading cause of eroding family values. But masturbation material is constantly prevalent on Facebook. People post “selvies” in which they take pictures of themselves in ordure to encourage other people to masturbate to their […]

by September 15, 2015 12 comments Lifestyle
Help: My College Roommate Masturbates While Looking at Me

Help: My College Roommate Masturbates While Looking at Me

Dear Lonnie, I recently started my first year of college and am sharing a dorm room. Its the first time I have ever shared a room with someone long term. It has only been about four weeks now but every night she masturbates, sometimes 2-3 times a night. It started […]

by September 15, 2015 14 comments Family Values
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