Articles by: Cathy Redmond

Hotel Chain Promotes Masturbation

Hotel Chain Promotes Masturbation

Big Masturbation has reportedly taken control of the “Days Inn” chain of budget hotels. An Instagram user discovered what they referred to as the “mosr (sic) accurate ‘do not disturb’ sign ever. All that’s missing is the furious and deeply shameful masturbation.” Traditionally, the “Do Not Disturb” sign has been used to alert […]

by March 20, 2015 2 comments Big Masturbation
Thailand Cracks Down On Women Creating Masturbation Materials

Thailand Cracks Down On Women Creating Masturbation Materials

In a rare move of anything resembling sanity, the military government of Thailand has spoken out against lesser-gendered members of the Thai populace making pornographic styled pictures of themselves. Specifically the men in charge of the Thai government are enraged about these lesser gendered members of their society taking photos […]

by March 17, 2015 8 comments Family Values, Morals, Pornographics
Miley Cyrus. (image source: By Rob Sinclair [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Lonnie Childs Prevents New Miley Cyrus Film From Being Screened

Brother Lonnie has done it again! A pro-masturbation film festival in the den of sin, New York City, had scheduled to screen a video featuring the Big Masturbation sex android herself, Miley Cyrus. Thanks to your prayers and Brother Lonnie’s tireless efforts, it has now been confirmed that the Big […]

by February 13, 2015 6 comments Big Masturbation, Celebrity, Lonnie Childs
(Image Source: By Felix O [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Masturbation Danger Zone: Public Transportation

As Lonnie has proven many times over the years, some places are hot spots for masturbation and masturbation related sinful activities. Today we’re going to look at a “no go” zone in most major cities around the world – public transportation. Be it bus, train, elevated train, subway train or […]

by February 11, 2015 7 comments Lifestyle
(image source: Detienne MC (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

New Female Masturbation Solution

Brother Lonnie’s Anti-Masturbation Research and Development team has recently completed work on one of their most ambitious projects to date; a contraption that serves as a solution to the female masturbation problem. The new product, dubbed the “Sin Cave Stopper®” by Brother Lonnie, himself, has reached the final testing stages […]

(image source: Stan Shebs [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or CC BY-SA 2.5)(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons)

The True Story Of Arizona’s “Meteor Crater”

The so-called “Meteor Crater” in Northern Arizona is one of scLIEnce’s many falsehoods passed on down through the generations. Mainstream secular history claims the crater was found by “European settlers in the 19th Century”. As Lonvidians, we know this to be false as it was actually created by the hard-working […]

by January 8, 2015 10 comments History
(image source: turydddu @ Flickr, retouched by JovanCormac ([2]) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

19-Year-Old Girl Drowns Masturbating In Shower

19-Year-Old Becky Hawkins of Pink Hill, North Carolina met the same fate that befalls 100% of all masturbators when she died committing the sin of self-rape in her shower. Hawkins, overcome by the throes of committing a deviant act with a removable showerhead, was found dead by her roommate, Jack […]

(image source: By Thue (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

100% Of All Car Accidents Are Caused By Masturbators

The world’s last great think tank, The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, recently finished an 18 month study on the root cause of automobile accidents. The results they found, while predictable, were still shocking to the average American who still has not accepted Lonnie Childs as their personal anti-self-rape savior. […]

by November 13, 2014 18 comments Death, Faith Graph, Lonnie Childs, Morals
Mikhail Gorbachev (image source: SpreeTom (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Gorbachev Claims World on Brink of ‘New Cold War’; Expects New Golden Age of Anti-Masturbation

1980s Communist leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, has come forth to alert the world that it is on the brink of a “new Cold War”. Gorbachev speculates that once this “new Cold War” begins, worldwide masturbation rates will plummet like they did during the peak of the original “Cold War”. Speaking in […]

by November 10, 2014 7 comments World
(source: By original author unknown; University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.Zscout370 at en.wikipedia [Public domain or Public domain], from Wikimedia Commons)

University of North Carolina Investigation Reveals Almost Entire Current Enrollment Confirmed Masturbators

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. A report, called the Wainstein report after U.S. Justice Department official Kenneth Wainstein who conducted the investigation, has found that over the course of two decades nearly 3100 University of North Carolina students were involved in academic dishonesty. More disturbing is the finding that over one half […]

by October 23, 2014 4 comments Family Values, Morals, Sports, Trending
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