Articles by: Cathy Redmond

Apple Wearables Event Sparks Anti-Masturbation App & Device Rumors

Apple Wearables Event Sparks Anti-Masturbation App & Device Rumors

News of today’s Apple iPhone event has brought the continued speculation that the Cupertino based electronics giant also plans to unveil a “wearable” device. Apple fanatics have dubbed the proposed wearable the “iWatch” but so far Apple itself has not confirmed such a device will be unveiled at their “9-9-2014” […]

by September 9, 2014 3 comments Family Values, Lifestyle, Trending
Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

Theme Park Roller Coaster Catches Fire, Collapses; Masturbation Likely Cause

In yet another incident of “roller jerking“, the Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain park in Valencia, California received major fire and structural damage on Monday. Although the park was closed at the time, speculation is that an extreme tier masturbator snuck into the park and walked up to […]

by September 8, 2014 14 comments Trending
‘Mile High Club’ Masturbation Feat Goes Awry

‘Mile High Club’ Masturbation Feat Goes Awry

Officials speculate that an attempt to join a fictional ‘club’ of masturbatory achievement has led to a small plane crashing off the coast of Jamaica on Friday. Many details are still unknown, however it is now confirmed that the doomed flight left Rochester, New York this morning and became “unresponsive” […]

by September 7, 2014 46 comments Death, Trending
Cee Lo Green Apologizes For Tweets About Rape; Meant To Use Prefix “Self”

Cee Lo Green Apologizes For Tweets About Rape; Meant To Use Prefix “Self”

Thomas Decarlo Callaway (aka – Cee Lo Green), the once relevant singer/songwriter perhaps best known for his hit song “Let’s Stay Together” has been under fire after having a series of tweets on his official Twitter profile taken out of context. The tweets by Green were a strange set of messages […]

by September 4, 2014 15 comments Celebrity, Trending
Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

Bill Gates Donates $1 Million To Gun Control; $2 Million To Tina’s Law

American Billionaire and sometimes computer whiz kid, Bill Gates, shocked second amendment advocates when he donated $1 million (SMD) to a Washington State campaign to expand background checks on gun sales. Naturally, this has made some very proud Americans angry and they are now questioning Bill Gate’s “philanthropic” actions. It […]

by August 27, 2014 4 comments Money, Politics, Tina's Law
Anti-Masturbation Victory; Kari Byron To Leave ‘Mythbusters’ ScLIEnce Show

Anti-Masturbation Victory; Kari Byron To Leave ‘Mythbusters’ ScLIEnce Show

Discovery channel scLIEnce program, “Mythbusters”, took a controversial step by firing three cast members, including masturbator favorite Kari Byron. The official version of the story given by the network and the cast members was that the show will be “going in a new direction” next season. Fans of the scLIEnce […]

by August 24, 2014 16 comments Celebrity, Trending
Big Masturbation Announces ‘This Ain’t Stop Masturbation Now’ Film

Big Masturbation Announces ‘This Ain’t Stop Masturbation Now’ Film

Big Masturbation announced, by way of one of their pornography shell companies, that they plan to film a ‘porn parody’ of Lonnie Childs and His popular Stop Masturbation Now movement. At press time it was not known who has been cast to play the role of Our Savior, Lonnie Childs. […]

TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

TSA Backscatter Scanners Successful In Reducing Masturbation

A two-year study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow found that the TSA Backscatter Anti-Terrorist Scanners not only kept America safe but also reduced the urge to masturbate in those travelers zapped by the machines. Faith Researcher and spokesman Paul Nelson explains, “We followed travelers that went through the Backscatter […]

by August 23, 2014 7 comments Politics, Trending, World
“The Simpsons” Marathon Begins; Masturbation Rates Immediately Drop 25%

“The Simpsons” Marathon Begins; Masturbation Rates Immediately Drop 25%

Cable television channel FXX started a publicity stunt today where they are showing every episodes of “The Simpsons” in a marathon format. The marathon is to run without interruption until Labor Day and began at 10:30am this morning. The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow noticed a 25% drop in masturbatory acts […]

by August 22, 2014 8 comments Celebrity, Faith Graph, Trending
3 American Patriots Shamed For Denouncing Self-Rape

3 American Patriots Shamed For Denouncing Self-Rape

I’m sure we’re all aware of how Great American patriots like Todd Akin consistently get shamed by the media for their unconventional views on self-rape. Considering we’re now six years into the nightmare that has been the Obama Administration, such things, while not accepted, are unfortunately expected. However, over the years […]

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