The Morning After…For the Masturbation Addict
“What happened last night? Did I get selfraped? Who do I turn to?” Turn to Christ, young masturbator! Take the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy today! Praise!
Lifestyle
History Lesson On Dangers Of Masturbation: Freddie Mercury
The Faith Facts are in. Masturbation epidemic is swiping the planet, and no one is safe. It doesn’t care if you’re foreign or normal, woman or man, black or rich. A one hit wonder Rock-n-Roll singer Freddie Mercury has learned this lesson firsthand. At the height of his musical career, Freddie […]
Wisconsin Religious Pig-Beating Stopped by Gay Liberals. B.L.U.F.F Welcomes Parish To Campound
Hortonville WI/ Safford AZ (SMNNN) The annual Beat Pigs For Jesus Festival in Hortonville, Wisconsin, has been cancelled, no doubt because of pressure from liberal atheist gays. The festival, a long standing holy-ceremony, in which faithful Normals beat the life from disgusting pigs, was protested by known liberal homogay beastophilia […]
3 Scare Films With Horrifying Masturbation Scenes
Typically, when lazy Hollywood filmmakers need something shocking to add to their film, they’ll add explosions, kill off one of their actors or introduce fake characters via digital technology. More refined filmmakers have been known to prey on the fears of morality by including shocking sexual and masturbatory scenes in their […]
New Sex Toys Allow Wifi Masturbation
A New Hampshire-based company run by sinful females has introduced new sex toys using wifi technology. The toys, designed to allow two or more users to mutually masturbate themselves, blur the line between masturbation and the righteous expression of love. Robot sex innovations have advanced self rape technology in evil […]
Irresponsible ‘Share’ Campaign Breeding Ground For Disease
Sweet drink manufacturer, Coca-Cola, recently got the idea of promoting their product by getting people to “share” it with someone else. Sharing a drink, any drink, with someone infected with an illness is a really bad idea as you can get sick from this action. The sheer number of Worldwide Web […]
Do Hollywood Zombie Documentaries Provide a Key to Defeating Masturbation?
In my past life as a secular masturbator I was unhealthily infatuated with zombie documentaries. Since being saved by Lonnie Childs and the STOP Masturbation NOW ministries, however, I have come to the realization that zombies are possibly the most prolific self-rapists alive! Zombies, like your typical masturbator, are brain […]
Top 5 Celebrities Who Have Died From Masturbation.
WATERTOWN CT- (SMNNN) Masturbation, or self-rape, as the sinful practice of self-sexual gratification is known, has long been a leading cause of death. Over the decades, Hollywood has had more than it’s fair share of auto-erotic-suicides. Here’s a list of the top five. 5)- Ernest Borgnine Mr Borgnine, star […]
SMN Ministries Approved Sweet 16 Celebration Ideas
Once again, fall is approaching. As a husband and as a father, you may hear rumblings about a “Sweet Sixteen” celebration. Below are a few ideas that are sure to make your sixteen-year-old, same-race wife very happy. 1. Tell her that she can decide what’s for dinner on […]
Star Wars Wil Wheaton Quits Masturbating: Finds New Life
(StopMasturbationNOW)— Wil Wheaton, the controversial actor who was universally disliked in his role as Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels has given up masturbation. After only three months free of self rape, Wil began looking more healthy and found new roles acting in dramas Like NBC’s Chicago Fire.
