Houston TX (SMNN) A great offense against Our Lords took place in Houston, Texas, when a non-Normal-lesser-gendered married her own self, most likely, having caused the baby Jesus to weep on the cross out of rage and shame. Non-Normal-Lesser-Gendered Yasmin Eleby, proudly married herself, in a direct affront to decency […]
SECRET LOCATION- SOMEWHERE (SMNNN) We at Stop Masturbation Now are pleased to present this interview with an actual high-ranking official of Big Masturbation. Our own Professor Doctor Wizard Cardinal Thomas Kelly interviewed this “person” about the goals of the B.M movement. Thomas Kelly: Hello, welcome. Would you care to explain […]
Los Angelos, CA- (SMNN) Actor Shia Labeouf, known for movies such as Even Stevens and Transformings 4: Rise of The Batman, told pretty much anyone who would listen, that he was a victim of self-rape at an art exhibition. During the exhibition, Labeouf wore a paper bag on his head […]
(StopMasturbationNOW)— An actor who recorded 10 hours of catcalls and remarks from passersby in New York City has received self-rape threats in response to a video detailing the harassment, the advocacy group that commissioned the video said on Tuesday. It is well known that masturbation is self-rape. An act violating […]
SEATTLE WA/ WALPOLE MA- (SMNNN) Faithscientists suspect EbolAIDS, the most dangerous masturbation-spread and homogayest of diseases, has possibly become airborne, as they predicted it would, following two cases of inanimate object rape, a sexual act so disgusting it would require one to be in the fatal stages of the Airborne […]
HENRICO-VA (SMNNN) Alfonzo (last name withheld) died last week of masturbatory semen toxemia, a horrible condition caused by years of shameless and compulsive self-rape, which causes it’s victims to inflate with excess semen due to an over-stimulated sin-center in the masturbatory cortex. Alfonzo suffered from this disease for weeks until […]
Safford AZ-(SMNNN) B.L.U.F.F. library officially re-open, under great ceremony, last evening. The library, having been destroyed in a raging spontaneous fire that had nothing to do with any wizards whatsoever, has been newly renovated, and re-supplied to the fullest capacity. The B.L.U.F.F library now contains every imaginable type of projectile […]
KEY LARGO, FLA. — For those serious about taking their physical, emotional and spiritual health back into their own hands, here are seven great things you can expect after quitting masturbation once and for all. 1. Increased self-confidence. Since masturbation results in self-doubt, self-loathing and general disorientation, your focus as […]
HISTORY (SMNNN) Welcome once more to our serial series of great Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation! Today, we showcase Lunar Spacestronaut Neil Armstrong, first man to leave the flat disc of the Earth, and set human foot upon the Moon. In the 1940s or some time about there, Young Neil grew up […]
SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Did you know Stop Masturbation Now Ministries Inc. is GIVING AWAY a fully semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifle? Yes! For a limited time, you can enter the official SMN Rifle Raffle to win a brand new high-tech tactical Armalite AR assault gun! This Colt AK-15 assault submachine rifle […]
