Last week, Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Adrian Peterson, was arrested in his hometown for a mysterious domestic violence charge. This came on the heals of Jerry Rice’s suspension and dismissal from the Baltimore colts for disciplining his wife in an Atlantic City elevator. Today, the Cobb County prosecutor announced that […]
Earlier this month, our sister-news site “Vice News,” broke a story about rapper “Coolio” attempting to film a music video about Masturbation, for PornHub Records. The Normal people who lived in the neighborhood where the production was taking place called the police to report masturbation-type activities. Mr. Coolio and his […]
BOCA RATON, FLA. — As everyone knows, masturbators are almost always depressed, socially retarded shut-ins. Their world consists of fixating on distasteful online pornographies flooding the Internet and beating their own privates to a pulp. Since their lives revolve around the one sinful act of Onanism, other aspects such as faith, family, […]
It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.) have come up […]
The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN) Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues. Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source […]
A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, […]
Many of the masturhaters who troll this holy netsite have convinced themselves that masturbation is “hip” and “cool”. Tell me, is burning in Hell for eternity “hip” and “cool”? The faithfact is that masturbation is a form of self-rape. Not so “cool” now, is it? STOP Masturbation NOW and become […]
After months of lobbying, we here at STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a major victory over the powerful forces of Big Masturbation and enemies of God-given morals everywhere! Praise! The good folks at Merriam-Webster have added the word “Fapstinence” to their dictionary, acknowledging all of the hard work […]
By TheRev Leroy Jenkins The Femitheist is a 22-year-old criminology student with a three-year-old. One angry day in 2012 she took to the Internet to outline the brutal concept of International Mastubater Castration Day. After posting it on YouTube she stepped out for a coffee. Returning home a few hours […]
HIROSHIMA, Japasia – The devastating landslides that rocked Japasia and caused numerous deaths and billions of yen worth of property damage were determined to have been triggered by massive and furious masturbation, according to scientists working for the Foundation For a Better Tomorrow. Although the communist government does not officially […]
