Three Ways To Die
Don’t Masturbate, it’s a Sin. God Bless, TheRev Leroy Jenkins
Archive for September, 2014
The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children
It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.) have come up […]
Blue Whale Poulation Rebound As Sperm Whales Are Destroyed
The Oceans and Seas (SMNNN) Tea-drinking Englishes say in a recent report by the Queen (or whoever rules the islands of Englishes), that the global population of Blue Whales has rebounded over the last 20 years as Sperm Whale extermination continues. Whaling, long touted as barbarism, and a well-know source […]
Brother Lonald Foils the Devil Again
Note: The following is a excerpt from the King Lonald Holy Bible, a more accurate account of God and Christ. …and so it was that Brother Lonald, adhering to the Lord’s Calling to deliver the message of self rape abstinence to the afflicted third world countries of tribal Africa, was […]
15 Year Old Caught Masturbating by Ducks, Instantly Punished by God
A 15 year old boy in Tucson, AZ had a rude but justified intrusion early in the morning of July 30th. As he sat at his $2,000 pornographic research device called “Macbook Pro” and stroked the unholy inverted cross, a swarm of ducks poured through his window and attacked him, […]
Cee Lo Green Apologizes For Tweets About Rape; Meant To Use Prefix “Self”
Thomas Decarlo Callaway (aka – Cee Lo Green), the once relevant singer/songwriter perhaps best known for his hit song “Let’s Stay Together” has been under fire after having a series of tweets on his official Twitter profile taken out of context. The tweets by Green were a strange set of messages […]
McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography
(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening. Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her […]
STOP Masturbation NOW on the Air Tonight!
STOP Masturbation NOW co-founder and high elder, Senator August Weisz, will be On the Air with Mike Allen on Armed Radio TONIGHT live at 8 PM Pacific. The good Senator will be addressing the STOP Masturbation NOW anti-fap movement about 20 mins into the broadcast. If you would like to […]
Unprotected Masturbation: Know The Risks!!!
Unprotected masturbation is the leading cause of STDs, and here is why: Take the number of men and women that engage in unprotected masturbation and multiply that by the number of: door knobs, toilet flushing handles, crosswalk signal buttons, drinking fountains, handshakes, etc. What you end up with is […]
New Report: John Denver Crashed Aircraft While Masturbating
PACIFIC GROVE,CALIF. — This week, forensic investigators announced that 53-year old singer-songwriter John Denver lost control of his light aircraft while masturbating, causing the plane to crash into Monterey Bay, Calif. 17 years ago. The case, which had been closed several years ago following an inconclusive investigation of Denver’s airplane […]
