Articles by: augustweisz

Do Masturbators Really Have Smaller Penises?

Do Masturbators Really Have Smaller Penises?

  (Stop Masturbation Now)—We get this question often. What effect does self-raping your sin stick have on penis length long term? Both men and women use the length of a penis to determine the potential of a person. Well, thanks to a $50,000 grant from the Foundation for a Better […]

by July 10, 2014 48 comments Science
Germany Routs Mexico 7-1

Germany Routs Mexico 7-1

(Stop Masturbation Now)— Germany today routed the Mexican state of Brazil 7-1 in soccer. Germans, using a combination of preserving precious bodily fluids and using only Caucasians proved too much for the very dark skinned Brazilians. At one point in the match Germans scored 4 goals on 10 minutes. A […]

by July 8, 2014 18 comments Sports
SMN World Cup Preview Group B

SMN World Cup Preview Group B

(Stop Masturbation NOW Sports)–Yesterday we previewed world cup Soccer group A . Today we are going to preview group B.   AUSTRALIA Australia is a bunch of criminal island Mexicans. They can’t get mammals right much less sport. Expect australilians to be distracted by indoor plumbing and lights. They wont […]

by June 13, 2014 1 comment Foreigners, Sports
SMN World Cup Preview Group A

SMN World Cup Preview Group A

(Stop Masturbation NOW Sports)–Soccer was invented when all real sports were so dominated by Americans that all other countries needed to find something to be good at. So they put all of their combined resources together to invent a sport so boring that Americans would rather just not take part […]

by June 10, 2014 4 comments Foreigners, Sports
Breaking News: Portland Oregon Water Contaminated With Semen… Thousands at Risk

Breaking News: Portland Oregon Water Contaminated With Semen… Thousands at Risk

(StopMasturbationNOW)— About 670,000 residents in Oregon were advised Friday to boil drinking water after several tests showed semen in some water samples, the Portland Water Bureau said. Hipsters masturbating in the towns mountainous reservoirs is most likely the cause. Masturbation is one of the fastest methods for spreading disease.   […]

by May 23, 2014 5 comments Weather
How to Avoid a Masturbator on the Street

How to Avoid a Masturbator

Masturbators are often full of diseases and have criminal intent.     Here is how to avoid one:    

Godzilla: A Documentary Displaying the Dangers of Self Rape

Godzilla: A Documentary Displaying the Dangers of Self Rape

(StopMasturbationNOW)—After nuclear power was proven 100 percent safe, Godzilla producers needed to find another more realistic causation for a creature like Godzilla to exist. Masturbation was the only thing that fit from a scientific point of view. This weekend I had the opportunity to view this Documentary and I was […]

by May 18, 2014 3 comments Animals
Star Wars Wil Wheaton Quits Masturbating: Finds New Life

Star Wars Wil Wheaton Quits Masturbating: Finds New Life

(StopMasturbationNOW)— Wil Wheaton, the controversial actor who was universally disliked in his role as Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels has given up masturbation. After only three months free of self rape, Wil began looking more healthy and found new roles acting in dramas Like NBC’s Chicago Fire.

by May 14, 2014 11 comments Celebrity, Disciples, Lifestyle, Morals
Masturbator Unleashes Firenado!

Masturbator Unleashes Firenado!

(StopMasturbationNOW)— This morning a Florida man was masturbating when the friction of him touching his sinstick caused a firenado. As we know masturbation is wrong and the wages of self-rape are death. Please remember to help work to make masturbation illegal.

Most men and gay females find the thigh gap irresistible

Thigh Gap and Masturbation

(StopMasturbationNOW)–It is well known that men prefer women with a thigh gap. The thigh gap is a symbol of innocence and purity as the willingness and readiness to procreate are visibly seen. Unfortunately  masturbation causes a buildup of fat and muscle around the thigh area from an overage of orgasms. […]

by May 8, 2014 14 comments Gateway Drug, Money, Science
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